Was it my fault?

Like I said, things at good ole' Savannah State were going great until............

We were sitting in the dorm lobby playing spades, and the dorm phone rang.  It was for me, it was my roommate who was off campus with another friend of hers.  She wanted me to come where they were, and the guy was going to come pick me up.  So, I stopped playing spades, went and changed clothes and got into the car with T-Money (the name alone should have been a red flag).  We got to a house where there were a few guys, my roommate, her friend, and another female.  They started playing truth or dare, and naturally, I ended up playing as well.  Alcohol was involved and you had a choice to either answer the question, or drink a shot.  As the night went on, I don't know how many shots I took, but I wasn't a drinker so one shot was enough.  We had been there for what seemed like forever and I was SOOOOO ready to go.... that's when the bomb was dropped on me............. Oh, we will take yall home in the morning, it was already past 1 or 2 am.  Everybody, went into different rooms and I was left alone with T-Money.  He started rubbing my face, I would move his hand, then he got real aggressive and was like......... stop playing you know you want this.  I tried to scream, but the music in the house was so loud and he had his hand over my mouth as his body pinned my body down.  I tried to fight him off, I tried to kick, but he was so much stronger than me, and I had been drinking so I wasn't my normal self either.  After he entered me I still tried to scream, I begged for him to stop, but he wouldn't.  Eventually, I just said......... "please just hurry up and finish."  He said to me, what you know you are enjoying this............ his breath smelled like gin (and to this day, the smell of gin makes me want to throw up).  When he finished he just left me lying on that bedroom floor.  We didn't have cell phones then, and I had nobody to call.  So many things went through my mind.  Well, that morning, some other guy took us back to the dorm. I didn't talk the entire ride and when we got back to the dorm, I took a long hot shower.  I showered, and showered, and showered, I scrubbed my body until I was almost raw on the outside. However; no matter how hard I scrubbed, I couldn't get his smell off me. 

No, I didn't call the police, nor did I tell anybody.  Who would I tell? Would they believe me? I mean it was my fault............. I was the one who was off campus at this strange guys house, drinking. Would I get in trouble? I was only 18 years old, I was under age.  I was so disappointed in myself. 

Now, the really crazy thing................... We were sitting in our dorm room and my roommates friend came in, she was like yall.......... my guy friend said that he believes T-Money rapped a girl that night cause he could here a girl screaming, but... blah blah blah. I put blah blah blah......... because that is what she sounded like to me.  I just sat there, numb. I knew she was talking about me and yet I sat and didn't say anything. What would people think of me? I felt so nasty. Why? Why? Well needless to say, I became very introverted. I went to class, the library, and my dorm room.  I called my parents crying weekly and begged them to come get me.  My dad did, he came almost every weekend.  Finally, I broke down, and told them what happened.  My dad was in rage and wanted to kill the guy, but it's almost impossible to find someone named T-Money.  I ended up leaving Savannah State and transferring to Fort Valley State.  That was how I dealt with the situation, I left it, moved on, pushed it to the side............ well, no not really.  I buried it with all of the other hurts and pain that I had felt.

Side note...... People often talk badly about women who don't tell.  I have heard such nasty things about women who were sexually assaoulted and decided to stay silent.  We stay silent because we are scared, we are nervous, we are embarassed, we are humilated, we are damaged, we are hurt........... I didn't won't people looking at me like I was nasty trash.  That is how I felt. I felt like nasty trash and I blamed myself for his actions.  I blamed myself in so many ways.  If I hadn't been drinking, if I hadn't played truth or dare, if I had stayed in the dorm, if I would have screamed louder.............. for years I blamed Nicole Anderson Keith for T-Money's actions.  I can't change the past, but I pray to God for wisdom and strength to help change the future for other people.  I want to tell other people my story.  If my story, if my rape experience will help keep another young girl from going through this horrible event, my pain won't be in vain.