Just keep it moving.........

Well, the "was it my fault" blog really took a lot out of me emotionally. I cried dry tears as I typed the words. Water wouldn't come from my eyes so I wept dry tears. After all this time, talking about that dreadful day sends chills down my spin.

After I came home from Savannah State, I never discussed the event. I told my parents and that was it. I pushed that horrible day as far away from my mind as I could and I did what I always do........... I kept moving. Pushing this away was easy except for......... when I smelled Gin, that is what his breath smelled like. I haven't had a sip of Gin since that night. In the beginning the smell of gin made me throw up (seriously). Then the smell of his colonge made me gag, made me sick to my stomach. If I walked by a guy and they smelled like him, I would get sick, if I was in the department store and I walked by the fragrance counter, I would get sick. It took me over a year to get up enough courage to find out what the name of the colonge that he had on was.

My brain and my senses didn't work well together on this incident. As bad as I wanted to forget this, my sense of smell just wouldn't let me. But, I was strong and I pushed through. I didn't tell anybody, I didn't talk about it. Heck, I even started volunteering at a rape clinic while I was in Fort Valley. I figured I would help those poor women. Who was I fooling, looking back, I was the one who needed help. I would be on call certain days. If my pager went off (yes I said pager), I would report to the Peach County Hospital and meet the rape victim. I was her support........... I was her educator.......... I was her resource. I was a HYPOCRITE!!!! I never once opened my mouth and said, I have been through this, I never once offered my personal expeirences. I kept it all to myself. Heck, I can remember even feeling sorry for some of the women. I can remember one woman who was on drugs, and she was raped by several different men. She was beat up pretty badly, and hurt. I remember having thoughts that I am too embarrassed to share here.

Fort Valley has a lot of poverty, and it is a low economic area, so there are a lot of less educated people in the area. That is where I came in. I had been trained to help, to explain things. In a sick way, I really thought I was better than those other women. You see, in my mind I was better because I was stronger. Here they were in the hospital, getting checked out, crying, shaking, etc. I didn't do all of that. I was strong. I was brave. I handled it on my own. I didn't need all of that because I was Nicole. Well, Nicole didn't handle it. She burried it. She ran from it.... Actually, she became self destructive and ate throught it............