Not everyday.

Now don't get me wrong, I didn't get high off my drug everyday. There were times that I would say to myself, STOP!  Even as a pre-teen, I knew that what I was doing wasn't right.  I knew that eating all day everyday, sneaking food, wasn't right.  So, I would tell myself, stop, no more and I would............. for a little while anyway.  Looking back, I so wish that I would have opened up to my parents, I don't know why I didn't.  I know they would have understood and done whatever they could in their power to help me, but I didn't, I kept it bottle up inside.  If I would have shared maybe they would have helped me figure out why? And helped me stop so that I would not have had to suffer in silence for so many years. 

Maybe, my mom wouldn't have kept me on a diet and watched everything I put in my mouth.  Looking back, I am happy she did, and I am mad that she did.  I am happy that my mom watched my food, made me be active, and kept me on a diet when I picked up weight.  I am happy because if she would have let me eat what I wanted when I wanted, I would have been an obsese kid because I was already stuffing myself silently with food.  I will discuss why I am mad, and talk about the first diet I went on later, just not today. 

I still don't know what entered my head and made me open up like this and write this blog.  It is like a seed was planted in me months ago to do this and it just kept growing until I had no choice but to start this blog.  The little voice kept saying, Nicole tell your story, tell the whole story from beginning to end.  There are days that I want to write and the voice will say, no say this.......... wait and say that.  I have received a lot of private emails from people who have said, Nicole, I am a ghost follower...... and I want to thank you for sharing that because it really helped me and they will explain why.  I now know that God is that voice and he is using me as a vessle to help others. 

So, I am going to keep blogging, I am going to keep opening up, even though this takes so much out of me mentally and emotionally.

Also, I don't have this weight thing figured out at all.  I am still very scared, I worry, will I fall off the wagon, will I go back to my old habits.  I thank God for my sister Cher, she keeps me from going too far left, which is something I am good at when I have a goal I want to reach.  I get so focused on a particular goal that I pretty much become obsessed (to the point of being manic) until I reach it.

Until tomorrow,

Nicole