People always say.... "If you are that unhappy with your life (situation) change it. I have even said this about different people. Looking back on my own situation, it really isn't that easy.
People who don't suffer from weight issues, or food issues don't get that it isn't as easy as pushing back from the table. Now that I have connected my issue with food to something bigger than just liking the taste, I have somewhat of an idea of what a drug addict, alcohol addict, sex addict, etc. must go through. Your drug is something that you use to cope, it is something that you use to numb your pain.
I was sick, blood sugar EXTRA high, blood pressure HIGH, cholestrol HIGH, etc. and I still went to the drug that was making me sick. Food.
After starting this journey, I realize so many things. I realize, that my addiction to food is a symptom, my diabetics, my high blood pressure, these were all symptoms of a much bigger disease. These things were symptoms of the issues that I was avoiding. Those issues from the past, are what was keeping me sick. Loneliness, low self-esteem, low self-worth, not feeling good enough, etc. these were the "evils" that were causing the symptoms. Not dealing with past hurts and past pains caused me to use other things to mask the real problem.
Dealing with the real problem is something that is so hard and is something that I struggle with as soon as I hit a bump in the road. I find myself now experiencing feelings I never thought I would. I actually cry now. I mean, I cry for things I used to roll my eyes at other people for crying about. I laugh now, because I have a hard time excepting that I am actually EXTREMLY sensetive.
I am learning that it is okay to cry, it is okay to let my feelings be hurt. I just don't allow them to stay hurt, I don't blame others for the hurt. I ask myself, Nicole how are you feeling and why? I then take the time to evaluate my feelings. I try to view my feelings from all angles, this is hard, because human nature is to evaluate our feelings from all angles but our own. It is so easy to blame the other person or the other situation, the hard part is looking at our own actions in all situations.
I titled this post the end, because it is the end of me blogging about what brought me to the point where it was lose weight or die.
However, it isn't the end of my blog. Many of you want to know about my diet, about my workouts, etc. I will also blog about the new things I am slowly learning to deal with. Like being a fat person stuck in a smaller body............ dealing with how people react to me now, dealing with other peoples issues of me not eating the way I used to eat, dealing with my religious journey and making the spirtual connection with the foods that I ate.
I am tired of talking about my past hurts, I have a few more, but they will be in the book. I am at a point where it is really time to move forward and I look forward to you all taking this new journey with me.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Lashing out
This post is a little out of order, but I know it is something that I need to say.
Even though I am baring all in my blogs, I am still not including several intimate parts of my life. This blog will be the only blog where I discuss my male relationships.
One night I was on the computer chatting with, at the time a good male friend. I was upset because I had been stood up by a date YET AGAIN. This was becoming a habit. I was hurt and I told my friend who I will identify as JP. JP's response through me off guard...... he said to me something like this.... Nicole most of the guys I see in the Atl now aren't into big women... I remember when Ray and I came to your apartment and you were small (he didn't use the word small but it was along those lines) and you were living life and happy. Well, this was a year after I had graduated college, I was on diet pills and not eating. This struck a nerve with me.
He was refering to how I looked probably 8-10 years prior wasn't he supposed to be my friend?
I was fed up and tired of my happiness, my male relationships, my everything being based on my size. Over the years, I had been made to feel like I wasn't worthy of being loved because I was so large. I had heard well maybe if you lose some weight, some guys love real big women, I know such and such and she is almost as big as you and she gets plenty of men, you have such a pretty face you just need to lose weight. I was so GOT DAMN tired of this I didn't know what to do.
I dated someone for several years, during this time I gained and lost weight a lot. But I fluctuated between a size 10-16 the first few years of the relationshiop. Well, I got to a point where I couldn't continue to fluctuate and my size 16 became a size 18, the 18 became a size 20, etc. He no longer touched me, no kisses, no nothing. We went to the Bahamas to celebrate and he would like at me like I disgusted him. Finally, we had a conversation, in this conversation he told me that he didn't find me attractive anymore, I was too big and he couldn't do it anymore. Talk about getting the wind knocked out of you. Instead of lashing out and giving him a piece of my mind, I told him that I understood and that I wouldn't want to be with someone as big and unattrative as I had gotten either. After years of dating, I became his friend. Yes, you read correctly. We were friends. I want you all to know that I typed and deleted that line several times because I almost didn't type it.
So when JP made that statement to me, it was literally the straw that broke the camels back. I snapped, I did something out of character for me, I lashed out at him. I sent him an email that to this day, I am ashamed of. I said things that were so mean and hateful. JP caught the built up anger that I had been holding in for years. My email to him was pretty much a letter to everyone particularly men.... who had stood me up, lied to me, said something mean to me, put me down, etc. over the years. I wasn't really telling JP off, I was telling the guy who left me because I had gained weight, all the men who had stood me up, the women who had told me things like...... you are so pretty to be big, you dress so good to be your size.....the little innocent kids who had asked me innocent questions like...... why is your stomach so big, wow... ms. nicole you have real big legs.... ms. nicole you are fat, the young people in the store one day that laughed at me and said she has booty-do, her stomach stick out more than her booty do. I was tired and instead of telling those people they were out of line and rude, I lashed out at JP and ended a friendship. Up until a year or so ago I had the engraved cuff links to prove it. (JP will understand that statement)
Even though I am baring all in my blogs, I am still not including several intimate parts of my life. This blog will be the only blog where I discuss my male relationships.
One night I was on the computer chatting with, at the time a good male friend. I was upset because I had been stood up by a date YET AGAIN. This was becoming a habit. I was hurt and I told my friend who I will identify as JP. JP's response through me off guard...... he said to me something like this.... Nicole most of the guys I see in the Atl now aren't into big women... I remember when Ray and I came to your apartment and you were small (he didn't use the word small but it was along those lines) and you were living life and happy. Well, this was a year after I had graduated college, I was on diet pills and not eating. This struck a nerve with me.
He was refering to how I looked probably 8-10 years prior wasn't he supposed to be my friend?
I was fed up and tired of my happiness, my male relationships, my everything being based on my size. Over the years, I had been made to feel like I wasn't worthy of being loved because I was so large. I had heard well maybe if you lose some weight, some guys love real big women, I know such and such and she is almost as big as you and she gets plenty of men, you have such a pretty face you just need to lose weight. I was so GOT DAMN tired of this I didn't know what to do.
I dated someone for several years, during this time I gained and lost weight a lot. But I fluctuated between a size 10-16 the first few years of the relationshiop. Well, I got to a point where I couldn't continue to fluctuate and my size 16 became a size 18, the 18 became a size 20, etc. He no longer touched me, no kisses, no nothing. We went to the Bahamas to celebrate and he would like at me like I disgusted him. Finally, we had a conversation, in this conversation he told me that he didn't find me attractive anymore, I was too big and he couldn't do it anymore. Talk about getting the wind knocked out of you. Instead of lashing out and giving him a piece of my mind, I told him that I understood and that I wouldn't want to be with someone as big and unattrative as I had gotten either. After years of dating, I became his friend. Yes, you read correctly. We were friends. I want you all to know that I typed and deleted that line several times because I almost didn't type it.
So when JP made that statement to me, it was literally the straw that broke the camels back. I snapped, I did something out of character for me, I lashed out at him. I sent him an email that to this day, I am ashamed of. I said things that were so mean and hateful. JP caught the built up anger that I had been holding in for years. My email to him was pretty much a letter to everyone particularly men.... who had stood me up, lied to me, said something mean to me, put me down, etc. over the years. I wasn't really telling JP off, I was telling the guy who left me because I had gained weight, all the men who had stood me up, the women who had told me things like...... you are so pretty to be big, you dress so good to be your size.....the little innocent kids who had asked me innocent questions like...... why is your stomach so big, wow... ms. nicole you have real big legs.... ms. nicole you are fat, the young people in the store one day that laughed at me and said she has booty-do, her stomach stick out more than her booty do. I was tired and instead of telling those people they were out of line and rude, I lashed out at JP and ended a friendship. Up until a year or so ago I had the engraved cuff links to prove it. (JP will understand that statement)
Monday, July 25, 2011
Will I ever feel better??????
As time went on, I kept getting sicker and sicker. There were days I don't know how I got out of bed. It was hard for me to sleep lying down on my back, when I would lay down on my side, I would wake up and my shoulder would hurt. My feet hurt like nobody's business, I have really high arches and by the end of the day, they would be FLAT and I would be in pain.
I did something that I am not proud of during this time. I became the victim in my mind. In Nicole's mind, people picked on the fat lady. I was the fat lady. You all know me, I can't stand for people to play that victim role. Drives me NUTS. If you don'e like your situation change it. Well, instead of changing it, I made it worse. Please understand, that was the only part of my life that I allowed myself to play the victim role, but that is/was the most important part of my life. It was/is my health.
This is a role that I played so well........ here is an example
We were out to eat for Shona's birthday and one of her other friends were with us. I showed her friend a picture of this guy that liked me. He is a larger guy. Shona's friend said, "oh no, he is big and you are big, I mean real big." I don't know what hurt me more, what she said, or the look on her face when she said it. She looked at me like I was this digusting being. Shona and Cher had left the table and it was just Shona's friend and me. Playing the victim, I just looked at her. She then looked at me and then said, " I mean, I didn't mean it like that, you are a very pretty woman, I was just saying....." then Shona and Cher returned to the table.
I didn't say anything back to her, I just took her words and let the sink in. I then played the victim. I didn't want to be around Shona's friend anymore, I just didn't like her. It is rare for me to not like someone. I just didn't like her. Then, I took it a step further, I got angry at Shona. I was hurt that she didn't defend me at all. Whenever I brought the situation up, I felt like she made excuses for her friend, and her solution was to not blend her friends together again. The victim felt like, dang, my friend, my sister didn't defend me. The victim felt like, I would defend her to the end, wow.
I know that the above is a lot to take in, however; I am going to end this extra long post with this. The above made me realize how judgemental I had been (me the person who felt they weren't judgemental) I realized, how easy it is to play the victim. Instead of me dealing with the issue at hand........... my insecurities, and my low self-esteem... I blamed Shona's friend and I guess I blamed Shona for allowing it to happen.
Well the one thing about my sisterhood with Shona. We have honest unconditional love for one another, I don't blame Shona, I do understnad. We have moved forward from this issue and I know for a fact that we are closer because of things like the above. shona, I do love you unconditionally.
I did something that I am not proud of during this time. I became the victim in my mind. In Nicole's mind, people picked on the fat lady. I was the fat lady. You all know me, I can't stand for people to play that victim role. Drives me NUTS. If you don'e like your situation change it. Well, instead of changing it, I made it worse. Please understand, that was the only part of my life that I allowed myself to play the victim role, but that is/was the most important part of my life. It was/is my health.
This is a role that I played so well........ here is an example
We were out to eat for Shona's birthday and one of her other friends were with us. I showed her friend a picture of this guy that liked me. He is a larger guy. Shona's friend said, "oh no, he is big and you are big, I mean real big." I don't know what hurt me more, what she said, or the look on her face when she said it. She looked at me like I was this digusting being. Shona and Cher had left the table and it was just Shona's friend and me. Playing the victim, I just looked at her. She then looked at me and then said, " I mean, I didn't mean it like that, you are a very pretty woman, I was just saying....." then Shona and Cher returned to the table.
I didn't say anything back to her, I just took her words and let the sink in. I then played the victim. I didn't want to be around Shona's friend anymore, I just didn't like her. It is rare for me to not like someone. I just didn't like her. Then, I took it a step further, I got angry at Shona. I was hurt that she didn't defend me at all. Whenever I brought the situation up, I felt like she made excuses for her friend, and her solution was to not blend her friends together again. The victim felt like, dang, my friend, my sister didn't defend me. The victim felt like, I would defend her to the end, wow.
I know that the above is a lot to take in, however; I am going to end this extra long post with this. The above made me realize how judgemental I had been (me the person who felt they weren't judgemental) I realized, how easy it is to play the victim. Instead of me dealing with the issue at hand........... my insecurities, and my low self-esteem... I blamed Shona's friend and I guess I blamed Shona for allowing it to happen.
Well the one thing about my sisterhood with Shona. We have honest unconditional love for one another, I don't blame Shona, I do understnad. We have moved forward from this issue and I know for a fact that we are closer because of things like the above. shona, I do love you unconditionally.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
The end..........or the beginning.......
Well I returned from Hilton Head to discover that my dad had been placed in at home Hospice. When I got to the house, I found him to be weak and pretty much zoned out. They placed him in a hospital bed in our home. He fought in that bed none stop, pulling, twisting, tugging, turning.......... I sat in the room with him pretty much the entire time. He had to be watched because he would pull his oxygen out his nose.
I am not going to drag this post out because it is just painful. My dad turned 70 years old on July 3rd, he passed on the morning of July 4th. I was standing next to his bed holding his hand when he took his final breath.
I was numb that is probably the only emotion I had. Reality really took a minute to sink in. But when it did finally sink in it hit me hard.
I was angry, I was hurt, I was mad....... it wasn't fair. On the outside, I attempted to put on my brave face, but on the inside, I cried daily. Nights were hard. I turned to my best friend food to numb the pain.
Food helped me numb the pain. I would eat, and eat, and eat until I literally didn't feel anymore. I forgot all about the deal my dad and I made. I remember one night yelling at my dad because he lied to me........ he promised me he wouldn't go anywhere. I know it sounds silly, I get that it wasn't up to him, but hey I was hurting..........
I stopped going to the gym, I cancelled my personal training sessions, I ignored the fact that I was a diabetic, and my health turn a turn for the worse.
My blood sugar was so out of control, that my doctor put me on insulin. Well, I had trouble with insulins, I mean trouble! I was allergic to just about every insulin I tried. I broke out in hives, I still have the scares. The doctor tried at least four different types of insulins, and everytime I used a new insulin, I would break out in these huge red hives, that itched and burned like you wouldn't believe. It itched so bad that it brought tears to my eyes.
Cher actually found an insulin that worked for me. Thank God one of my dearest friends is a pharmacist. I wasn't taking care of myself at all. My blood pressure was really bad, my cholestorol was horrible, my blood sugar was EXTRA HIGH even with my insulin, my A1C was 12, which means that my blood sugar was in the high 200's low 300's on a daily basis. This is very dangerous. I am now surprised that I didn't go into a coma.
Well, not only was my health bad, work was even worse. This was my first full year as principal and things were stressful........ the finicial books were a mess, my office manager and I were afraid we were going to get fired... Family life was bad, everyone was sad, my mom was so depressed she was losing weight.... My boyfriend and I finally called it quits. While my life was over in my mind....
I am not going to drag this post out because it is just painful. My dad turned 70 years old on July 3rd, he passed on the morning of July 4th. I was standing next to his bed holding his hand when he took his final breath.
I was numb that is probably the only emotion I had. Reality really took a minute to sink in. But when it did finally sink in it hit me hard.
I was angry, I was hurt, I was mad....... it wasn't fair. On the outside, I attempted to put on my brave face, but on the inside, I cried daily. Nights were hard. I turned to my best friend food to numb the pain.
Food helped me numb the pain. I would eat, and eat, and eat until I literally didn't feel anymore. I forgot all about the deal my dad and I made. I remember one night yelling at my dad because he lied to me........ he promised me he wouldn't go anywhere. I know it sounds silly, I get that it wasn't up to him, but hey I was hurting..........
I stopped going to the gym, I cancelled my personal training sessions, I ignored the fact that I was a diabetic, and my health turn a turn for the worse.
My blood sugar was so out of control, that my doctor put me on insulin. Well, I had trouble with insulins, I mean trouble! I was allergic to just about every insulin I tried. I broke out in hives, I still have the scares. The doctor tried at least four different types of insulins, and everytime I used a new insulin, I would break out in these huge red hives, that itched and burned like you wouldn't believe. It itched so bad that it brought tears to my eyes.
Cher actually found an insulin that worked for me. Thank God one of my dearest friends is a pharmacist. I wasn't taking care of myself at all. My blood pressure was really bad, my cholestorol was horrible, my blood sugar was EXTRA HIGH even with my insulin, my A1C was 12, which means that my blood sugar was in the high 200's low 300's on a daily basis. This is very dangerous. I am now surprised that I didn't go into a coma.
Well, not only was my health bad, work was even worse. This was my first full year as principal and things were stressful........ the finicial books were a mess, my office manager and I were afraid we were going to get fired... Family life was bad, everyone was sad, my mom was so depressed she was losing weight.... My boyfriend and I finally called it quits. While my life was over in my mind....
Sunday, June 26, 2011
The fight continues
Well, my dad's attitude didn't change, not at all. He was just as up beat and positive as he always was. He was confident that he would beat it again, the doctor was opotmistic, the doctor's attitude was, "you will beat it again, and it will return, and we will go at it again." You see my dad had small cell lung cancer, this type of lung cancer spreads quickly. My dad had beat all odds, even the doctor said that he had never had a patient like him.
I was still losing weight, I was working out with a trainer, things were going well. I had kept my dad's illness low key at work, however, with it being the end of the school year, I had to call my boss to let him know why I would be out of the building a little more than normal the last weeks of school. I took off work and drove my parents downtown to Peidmont hospital where they would be doing the procedure. The cancer was spreading to his liver, so the chemo was put in through his groin area, the chemo was little crystals that were supposed to stop the blood flow to that particular area, and kill the cancer cells. The procedure went smoothly.
Daddy didn't bounce back this time like he normally did. His energy level was low, he didn't feel well, he didn't eat, things were just bad. During this time I was in a relationship and the relationship wasn't going well either. I knew that he was cheating, lying, etc. but I honestly didn't have time to focus on him. My daddy was my only interest.
Inside, I was stressed, outside you would've never known. I cried on a three-way call with Shona and Cher, after that, I just moved forward. I had to be strong. I started missing training sessions, I stopped eating properly and went back to my old way of eating. I was just exsisting.
Things feel apart quickly, I mean quickly. We all held on to hope and prayer even though I had started to except God's will.
Terry (my boyfriend) and I had planned a trip to the Essence festival the weekend of July 4th. Since I had been working long hours, driving to Newnan almost everyday, working online, just not sleeping, etc. My friends were going to Hilton Head, it was supposed to be my birthday trip. I felt guilty for going, but my dad and mom wanted me to go. It was only a two day trip. The trip was horrible. I was in a bad mood, I was nervous, I called my boyfriend, his blue tooth picked up, I heard him in the car with another female, he must've had his phone on silence, and didn't realize. I didn't share this with my friends at first. Then to top it all off, my childhood neighbor called to ask me what was happening at my mom's house. I was like "what are you talking about" she told me that it was an ambulance at my mom's house.
Okay, I can't write anymore. This is too much. I need to go back, I am leaving for a 10 day vacation. I will pick up when I get back.
I was still losing weight, I was working out with a trainer, things were going well. I had kept my dad's illness low key at work, however, with it being the end of the school year, I had to call my boss to let him know why I would be out of the building a little more than normal the last weeks of school. I took off work and drove my parents downtown to Peidmont hospital where they would be doing the procedure. The cancer was spreading to his liver, so the chemo was put in through his groin area, the chemo was little crystals that were supposed to stop the blood flow to that particular area, and kill the cancer cells. The procedure went smoothly.
Daddy didn't bounce back this time like he normally did. His energy level was low, he didn't feel well, he didn't eat, things were just bad. During this time I was in a relationship and the relationship wasn't going well either. I knew that he was cheating, lying, etc. but I honestly didn't have time to focus on him. My daddy was my only interest.
Inside, I was stressed, outside you would've never known. I cried on a three-way call with Shona and Cher, after that, I just moved forward. I had to be strong. I started missing training sessions, I stopped eating properly and went back to my old way of eating. I was just exsisting.
Things feel apart quickly, I mean quickly. We all held on to hope and prayer even though I had started to except God's will.
Terry (my boyfriend) and I had planned a trip to the Essence festival the weekend of July 4th. Since I had been working long hours, driving to Newnan almost everyday, working online, just not sleeping, etc. My friends were going to Hilton Head, it was supposed to be my birthday trip. I felt guilty for going, but my dad and mom wanted me to go. It was only a two day trip. The trip was horrible. I was in a bad mood, I was nervous, I called my boyfriend, his blue tooth picked up, I heard him in the car with another female, he must've had his phone on silence, and didn't realize. I didn't share this with my friends at first. Then to top it all off, my childhood neighbor called to ask me what was happening at my mom's house. I was like "what are you talking about" she told me that it was an ambulance at my mom's house.
Okay, I can't write anymore. This is too much. I need to go back, I am leaving for a 10 day vacation. I will pick up when I get back.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Keeping my promise
Well I kept my promise, I started losing weight. I hired a trainer, I worked out, I let go of sweets, fats, junk food. My blood sugar was GREAT! I was doing what I had promised my dad, so far,I had lost about 50lbs, I was feeling a lot better about myself, and my energy level was higher than it had been in ages, plus my A1C was the best it had been.
My dad was doing his part too. He had changed his diet, given up pork, beef, dairy, was eating raw foods: fruits, veggies, nuts, etc. My mom had been juicing for him daily, we had done research regarding natural cures for cancer, foods that heal, etc. So, my mom would juice for him daily, radishes, carrots, cabbage, fruit, etc. I honestly believe that his change in diet had a lot to with how well he handled/dealt with his disease. I know it had a lot to do with how he didn't suffer as the doctors said it would. I also know it had a lot to do with how high his energy level was the entire time.
We were both doing well, my dad and I. He was cancer free, I was losing weight.
I was at work, and noticed that I had several missed calls from my mom..... I knew that my dad had his normal 3 month check up that day, so when I saw the missed calls my heart dropped. I closed my office door and returned the call. My mom answered and gave me the news that the cancer was back and this time it was in his liver. They wanted to try a new procedure............. this was May.
Funny how our minds work. I remember the conversation word for word. I remember saying, I am not worried mom, he will be fine. This is the cycle, it comes, they treat it, he goes back to being cancer free.... He will be fine. I hung up the phone, called Cherilyn, explained everything to her. Then, I walked to the concession stand in my school, and got me a snack. I decided to start the popcorn maker, I loaded it with extra oil and popped several batches. I fixed super greasy popcorn, added salt, fixed me a few bags, took the popcorn, along with a snickers, an oatmeal raisin pie, a pack of starburst, and a regular coke. I then informed the front office staff that I had popped fresh popcorn and they were welcome to help themselves.
My dad was doing his part too. He had changed his diet, given up pork, beef, dairy, was eating raw foods: fruits, veggies, nuts, etc. My mom had been juicing for him daily, we had done research regarding natural cures for cancer, foods that heal, etc. So, my mom would juice for him daily, radishes, carrots, cabbage, fruit, etc. I honestly believe that his change in diet had a lot to with how well he handled/dealt with his disease. I know it had a lot to do with how he didn't suffer as the doctors said it would. I also know it had a lot to do with how high his energy level was the entire time.
We were both doing well, my dad and I. He was cancer free, I was losing weight.
I was at work, and noticed that I had several missed calls from my mom..... I knew that my dad had his normal 3 month check up that day, so when I saw the missed calls my heart dropped. I closed my office door and returned the call. My mom answered and gave me the news that the cancer was back and this time it was in his liver. They wanted to try a new procedure............. this was May.
Funny how our minds work. I remember the conversation word for word. I remember saying, I am not worried mom, he will be fine. This is the cycle, it comes, they treat it, he goes back to being cancer free.... He will be fine. I hung up the phone, called Cherilyn, explained everything to her. Then, I walked to the concession stand in my school, and got me a snack. I decided to start the popcorn maker, I loaded it with extra oil and popped several batches. I fixed super greasy popcorn, added salt, fixed me a few bags, took the popcorn, along with a snickers, an oatmeal raisin pie, a pack of starburst, and a regular coke. I then informed the front office staff that I had popped fresh popcorn and they were welcome to help themselves.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
The promise
Well, my dad was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. The cancer had spread to his brain. Doctor's gave him 9 months at most to live and said that they would not be a good 9 months. This was hard to digest, I was numb. Once my dad got home, I remember three things he said to me: 1. No matter what, I am going to be just fine, and you will be too. I know exactly what he meant. He meant that if he died he was going to Heaven and he would be just fine, and if he lived he would be just fine. He also meant that he had raised me and taught me all he could and I would be just fine. 2. He said, "it's the fourth quarter now, we aren't going to lose this game, it's just starting." My dad was a retired head football coach. He played sports all his life, went to college on a football scholarship, so sports talk was his thing. 3. He told me that he had a praying Grandma who taught him how to pray.
The doctor's gave him 9 months, he out lived that. Well his illness felt more like a roller coaster ride than anything else. It was full of emotional up's and down's. After his first few months of treatment, the doctor's were amazed. He was cancer free, and during his treatments (brain radiation and chemo) He didn't get sick or weak like they said he would. My dad changed his diet, he gave up diary, beef, pork, my mom juiced for him daily. He exercised, he took natural herbs, vitamins, he did all he could to feel good.
Me on the other hand, I ate through the pain, I ate throught the up's and the down's. You see, he was cancer free, then three months later he went back for a check-up and the cancer was back. He under went treatment again, he came out of treatment cancer free. Then........ I think you see the pattern.
After maybe a year of having cancer, then being cancer free, then finding out it was back (horrible cycle) I had gained about 40-60lbs. My dad noticed and was in tears when he spoke to me about it. He told me that he was worried and that he couldn't sleep at night thinking about something happening to me. He told me that he needed me to be here to look out for my mom when he left and he was scared that I was going to die before him. He also told me that he couldn't die yet because he was worried about my brother and I. On that day he and I made a promise. I promised him I would lose weight only if he promised me he wouldn't die. Well, yes, I get it, I know his dying wasn't up to him or me. He knew that too. He promised me that he would keep doing all he could to fight his cancer, and I promised to lose weight..........
I have cried through this entire post. My shirt has tear stains on it. I miss my daddie(this is how I said his name) more than words could ever describe, I still have an empty spot in my heart that I know will never go away. He was so much too me.
Since it's the summer I have more free time so I will post sooner.
Later
Well......... he was right.
The doctor's gave him 9 months, he out lived that. Well his illness felt more like a roller coaster ride than anything else. It was full of emotional up's and down's. After his first few months of treatment, the doctor's were amazed. He was cancer free, and during his treatments (brain radiation and chemo) He didn't get sick or weak like they said he would. My dad changed his diet, he gave up diary, beef, pork, my mom juiced for him daily. He exercised, he took natural herbs, vitamins, he did all he could to feel good.
Me on the other hand, I ate through the pain, I ate throught the up's and the down's. You see, he was cancer free, then three months later he went back for a check-up and the cancer was back. He under went treatment again, he came out of treatment cancer free. Then........ I think you see the pattern.
After maybe a year of having cancer, then being cancer free, then finding out it was back (horrible cycle) I had gained about 40-60lbs. My dad noticed and was in tears when he spoke to me about it. He told me that he was worried and that he couldn't sleep at night thinking about something happening to me. He told me that he needed me to be here to look out for my mom when he left and he was scared that I was going to die before him. He also told me that he couldn't die yet because he was worried about my brother and I. On that day he and I made a promise. I promised him I would lose weight only if he promised me he wouldn't die. Well, yes, I get it, I know his dying wasn't up to him or me. He knew that too. He promised me that he would keep doing all he could to fight his cancer, and I promised to lose weight..........
I have cried through this entire post. My shirt has tear stains on it. I miss my daddie(this is how I said his name) more than words could ever describe, I still have an empty spot in my heart that I know will never go away. He was so much too me.
Since it's the summer I have more free time so I will post sooner.
Later
Well......... he was right.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Side Note Celebration Time
This is a size small from the juniors department
I have reached my goal size. I have never in the history of losing weight actually gotten to a size and wanted to stop.
Other people around me have told me that I was at a good size but I didn't see it. I thought I needed to keep losing and honestly a little part of me still does. Okay, I am lying a huge part of me still does.
Yesterday, I went into Victoria Secret to get a strapless bra. I was on the phone with Shona when I walked into the store. I said to the sales lady, "I need a black strapless bra, no push-up, size 38B. Shona corrected me and said you don't wear that size. I was like yes I do, I told her B cup. Shona was like your back is not a 38. I was like oh yeah you are right. Being that I had just gotten measured for a correct size bra, I knew the right size, I just wasn't use to being that size. I corrected the size to the lady, which is a 36B, but when I got home, put on the bra I had to hook the 36B on the last hook.
After leaving VS I went into Macy's to exchange a black jumpsuit and a shirt I had bought out of the juniors department. I HATE trying on clothes. I didn't realize I could fit stuff out of the juniors department. I was actually walking past the department on my way out of the mall and saw this nice jumpsuit, I looked at it and was like, I probably could wear this in an extra large. I looked at it and was like this looks big, so I looked at the large. When I got to the register the lady told me they ran big and she thought I need a small. I told her no ma'am there was no way I could wear a small in juniors, so I got a medium. While at the register I saw this one sleeve shirt. I asked for it in a large, she was like I really think you could wear the small or med, but she gave me the large shirt.
When I got home I tried them on, the jump suit was tooooo big and so was the shirt. I went back the next day and exchanged and also bought two other cute maxi dresses off the rack in the juniors department. All items were a size small.
Got home tried everything on and looked at the tag of the cute pink dress that I had on. The size was a xs/s. It hit me........ like a ton of bricks. I know this sounds silly but I had to sit down in my chair. Then I started thinking. I wear a solid size 6, and in the loft I can fit a size 4 if it is curvy. I never in my life thought I would be able to wear a size 4/6.
As I sit and take this all in, I think about this long hard journey to get here. I think of the people in my life who helped me get here and I thank God for giving me the strength to do this and for putting the following people in my life:
Cherilyn- She is my logic for when I start doing crazy stuff like working out 3 days a week and trying to live off 800 calories. She reminds me of crazy, foolishness I have tried in the past and she isn't scared to get in my ass when I am doing something just stupid.
Jade- She is my 1st cousin who is more like my sister. Will tell me I am stupid at the drop of a damn, and will always remind me of what is really important. She also reminds me to stop trying to control things because it's not up to me it is up to God.
Rod- When I worry about eating something that I have deemed off my program, he has taught me that it is really okay to eat a cookie or a chip as long as I remember that I am in control. He has also taught me to ignore ignorant people who tell me that I am too skinny because I am not too skinny, I am healthy.
Robert-Has kept me focused on my workouts. Has really pushed me to build muscle and to stop running everyday and to use weights. He has also been on me about the importance of continuing to workout.
Mom- Just everything. God blessed me with a wonderful mom. I could write forever!
Brandon-Straight moral and nutrition support. My first cousin who I have spent hours discussing raw food diets, vegan diets, exercise, etc. with.
Shona- Just standing by me no matter what! Going through my closet and taking my clothes as they got too big to the consignment shop because I am lazy. Going through my closet and taking things with tags out and driving me to the mall and making me return them. I love shopping.......
Chari- My office manager my close friend who reminded me to eat, who listened to my fears, who cheered me on and supported me.
Julie- The best damn trainer I have ever met. Kept pushing me to do more, made me up my calories, made me work on the fear of eating, who has coached me on protein and nutrition and the importance of building muscle. Who isn't afraid to tell Nicole no. I have worked with a few trainers in the past, and none of them have come close to what she does. She is about the business of truly helping people reach their goals. I thank her more than she will ever know.
Kisa- My voice of reason and logic. Kisa helps keep me from getting to OCD, she reminds me to chill and to relax.
Madison- My 15 year old niece, who has helped me more than she will ever know. She has encouraged me so much. Reminded me that it's okay to treat myself because I have to live. She was with me the day I ran my first 5k. She cheered me on the entire way. She has even volunteered to run my next race with me.
Naima- Who actually started crying when she saw me for the first time and I had lost 80lbs. She said, "omg Nicole you look like you did when we first met." Naima always tells me how beautiful I am and is always so loving. Those of you who know me know that I don't think I am as pretty as people tell me. Naima has helped me learn to deal with the compliments I get daily and has taught me to except them. I am still working on excepting them.
There are other people but the people above aren't afraid to tell the know it all, control freak to chill the hell out. Most people don't have the courage to tell me the God's honest truth because I am Dr. Nicole Keith who tells others what to do and who on the surface appears to have it all together. These people don't give a flip about my title, they honestly see me as Nicole. I love this because people who know me know I HATE being known as a title. Which is why in my personal life I have a fit if somebody I consider a friend refers to me as anything other than Nicole.
This post is long! I will get back on track with my story soon. Being that it is summer I will have more time and I will post more.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
It kept getting worse.............
Well my disease got to a point where it kept getting worse and worse. My blood sugar was HORRIBLE. Normal range is 70-100. For a diabetic, anything under 130ish is pretty good. Well, for months and months my blood sugar didn't get under 200, okay I am lying, it didn't go under 250. I was eating horrible, I wasn't exercising and I was stressed more than anyone knew.
You see, stress affects your blood sugar. I had more stress than I ever let on. I am a very internal person. I rarely show how I am feeling, or what I am feeling, and I defintely NEVER express how I am feeling unless you are one of the very few people that I consider unconditially safe. These people I have learned over the years love me no matter what I do or say. It has taking me doing and saying a lot to them for me to see that they still stand by me and love me no matter what. I mean, a lot of the time, I take out my stress, frustration, and anger I feel for other people on them. They take it and still love me! I am so blessed to have: Cher, Shona, Kisa, and Jade. They are my voices of reason, they tell me what I need to hear, not what I want to hear. They aren't afraid to tell me that I am being stupid as hell. Really they could care less if I even get mad at them. Now, understand, I am blessed with a lot of good friends. However, these ladies could care less if I get mad at them, they still tell me the truth.
Now, back on subject. I had just become principal of my school. The school was in a WRECK! We had gang issues, low test scores, 8th graders were selling drugs, some teachers were doing what they wanted- coming to work late, not coming to work, etc. The kids were WILD, no structure. Parents were not happy about the school and they let everyone in the community know it too. Heck, it wasn't safe for boys to go into the restroom, because gang members were jumping innocent boys as they entered the restrooms. Sad part about the school being in a wreck is........... not everyone knew this.
At the same time that I took over this school. My daddy was diagnosed with having stage 4 lung cancer. Talk about somebody's world being rocked. The doctor told us that at most my dad had 9 months left and that was 9 months of non-quality living.
I handled this like I handle most things. I pouted privately for a few days, was angry as HELL, but only those unconditional people knew this. Then, I got over myself and put on my game face and acted as if none of the above mattered.
I have to stop writing now because thinking about this time makes my heart hurt. If you know me personally you know how close my dad and I are. I can't deal with thinking about this right now.
I will post sooner............
You see, stress affects your blood sugar. I had more stress than I ever let on. I am a very internal person. I rarely show how I am feeling, or what I am feeling, and I defintely NEVER express how I am feeling unless you are one of the very few people that I consider unconditially safe. These people I have learned over the years love me no matter what I do or say. It has taking me doing and saying a lot to them for me to see that they still stand by me and love me no matter what. I mean, a lot of the time, I take out my stress, frustration, and anger I feel for other people on them. They take it and still love me! I am so blessed to have: Cher, Shona, Kisa, and Jade. They are my voices of reason, they tell me what I need to hear, not what I want to hear. They aren't afraid to tell me that I am being stupid as hell. Really they could care less if I even get mad at them. Now, understand, I am blessed with a lot of good friends. However, these ladies could care less if I get mad at them, they still tell me the truth.
Now, back on subject. I had just become principal of my school. The school was in a WRECK! We had gang issues, low test scores, 8th graders were selling drugs, some teachers were doing what they wanted- coming to work late, not coming to work, etc. The kids were WILD, no structure. Parents were not happy about the school and they let everyone in the community know it too. Heck, it wasn't safe for boys to go into the restroom, because gang members were jumping innocent boys as they entered the restrooms. Sad part about the school being in a wreck is........... not everyone knew this.
At the same time that I took over this school. My daddy was diagnosed with having stage 4 lung cancer. Talk about somebody's world being rocked. The doctor told us that at most my dad had 9 months left and that was 9 months of non-quality living.
I handled this like I handle most things. I pouted privately for a few days, was angry as HELL, but only those unconditional people knew this. Then, I got over myself and put on my game face and acted as if none of the above mattered.
I have to stop writing now because thinking about this time makes my heart hurt. If you know me personally you know how close my dad and I are. I can't deal with thinking about this right now.
I will post sooner............
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Life with this new disease............
I took it serious at first. I followed the doctor's orders, I followed the diabetic diet, I took my meds, I checked my blood sugar like I was supposed too. Then............. I got off track, I figured out that I could cheat a little and be okay. Well, it went from cheating a little bit, to cheating a whole lot.
I didn't like this stupid disease, not at all. The thing about being a diabetic is................. it is internal, so you really can't see what is going on, and some days, you can't feel it. Truth of the matter is, this disease kills you slowly internally and you don't even realize it. You can trick yourself, trust me I know. I would eat all the wrong stuff, then take an extra pill, drink a lot of water and get my blood sugar back down. Right before it was time for me to do my fasting blood work for my doctor, I would straigthen up. For about 3 to 4 weeks, I would be the perfect diabetic. Then I would go, do my blood work and the doctor not know. You see, the doctor made the mistake of telling me how the blood recycles itself blah, blah, blah. So, I figured out how to keep my doctor from knowing that I wasn't really doing right. PUTTING THAT IN WRITING MADE ME REALIZE I WAS SO STUPID!!!! You see, I have this thing called Nicole's logic. That was Nicole's logic. Yeah, I fooled the doctor, but at the end of the day, I was only HURTING myself.
You see, in my mind, as long as I had the medicine, I was fine. I mean I didn't have high blood pressure, my cholesterol was good. All that was wrong was my SUGAR was a little high.
Well, after about 3 or 4 years of my SUGAR being a little high and me manipilating the doctor, the below happened:
- I developed high blood pressure. (I now know that the reason most diabetics have high blood pressure is because of the sugar in your blood. So even though I didn't have high blood pressure at first, years of too high sugar levels made this happen)
- The tips of my fingers lost a lot of sensitivity. (Years of pricking myself to check my sugar, caused the tips of my fingers to harden. This is something that happens to all diabetics)
- Developed extra scabby skin on my feet. I have to keep my feet done. I won't even go into this, because I am sensitive about my feet.
- Vision got worse. Yeap..........
Now, other things happened as well..........
You see when your blood sugar is high or low you just don't feel good. Actually, you feel like crap. However, you become so used to feeling like crap that you don't even realize you don't feel good. Well diabeties also affects:
Your energy level
Your attitude
Your mood
I had NO energy. All I wanted to do was sit, but I couldn't so I would PUSH through. Well, pushing through no energy makes me irriatable! When your blood sugar isn't stable, meaning it spikes because you don't have it in check, your mood spikes with it. Now that my sugar is in check, people tell me how moody and how mean I was. It actually hurts me because those of you who really know me know that I am the opposite of mean. So for people to preceive me as mean hurts me deeply.
Okay, this post is geeting too long. I have so much more to say about my years as a diabetic, and how this disease affected me.............. I have some new not so good stories to tell ya'll......... Stay tuned.
I didn't like this stupid disease, not at all. The thing about being a diabetic is................. it is internal, so you really can't see what is going on, and some days, you can't feel it. Truth of the matter is, this disease kills you slowly internally and you don't even realize it. You can trick yourself, trust me I know. I would eat all the wrong stuff, then take an extra pill, drink a lot of water and get my blood sugar back down. Right before it was time for me to do my fasting blood work for my doctor, I would straigthen up. For about 3 to 4 weeks, I would be the perfect diabetic. Then I would go, do my blood work and the doctor not know. You see, the doctor made the mistake of telling me how the blood recycles itself blah, blah, blah. So, I figured out how to keep my doctor from knowing that I wasn't really doing right. PUTTING THAT IN WRITING MADE ME REALIZE I WAS SO STUPID!!!! You see, I have this thing called Nicole's logic. That was Nicole's logic. Yeah, I fooled the doctor, but at the end of the day, I was only HURTING myself.
You see, in my mind, as long as I had the medicine, I was fine. I mean I didn't have high blood pressure, my cholesterol was good. All that was wrong was my SUGAR was a little high.
Well, after about 3 or 4 years of my SUGAR being a little high and me manipilating the doctor, the below happened:
- I developed high blood pressure. (I now know that the reason most diabetics have high blood pressure is because of the sugar in your blood. So even though I didn't have high blood pressure at first, years of too high sugar levels made this happen)
- The tips of my fingers lost a lot of sensitivity. (Years of pricking myself to check my sugar, caused the tips of my fingers to harden. This is something that happens to all diabetics)
- Developed extra scabby skin on my feet. I have to keep my feet done. I won't even go into this, because I am sensitive about my feet.
- Vision got worse. Yeap..........
Now, other things happened as well..........
You see when your blood sugar is high or low you just don't feel good. Actually, you feel like crap. However, you become so used to feeling like crap that you don't even realize you don't feel good. Well diabeties also affects:
Your energy level
Your attitude
Your mood
I had NO energy. All I wanted to do was sit, but I couldn't so I would PUSH through. Well, pushing through no energy makes me irriatable! When your blood sugar isn't stable, meaning it spikes because you don't have it in check, your mood spikes with it. Now that my sugar is in check, people tell me how moody and how mean I was. It actually hurts me because those of you who really know me know that I am the opposite of mean. So for people to preceive me as mean hurts me deeply.
Okay, this post is geeting too long. I have so much more to say about my years as a diabetic, and how this disease affected me.............. I have some new not so good stories to tell ya'll......... Stay tuned.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
I hate the doctor's
Well, the doctor could see me the next day.
When I got there they took my blood pressure, and a lot of blood work. She also pricked my finger and listened to me tell her all of the issues I had been having. After it was all over, she said.... you are a diabetic. She was like, your fasting blood sugar is 187, which is high. I am going to put you on this one medicine until your blood work comes back in. When I have all of your blood work, we will meet and go over everything.
I was beyond devastated! I left feeling numb. The first person that I called was my friend Cher. Cher is my line sister from college and one of my closest dearest friends in the world. You can always count on Cher to keep it 100% honest with you, even when you aren't in the mood for it. Cher is also a Pharm. D, so any medicine I have to take, I always run it by her. It's nice to have your on personal pharmacist.
For some reason, I met Cher for lunch at Maggiono's. She was still in disbeleif too, and was adament that it was impossible for me to be a diabetic. Remember, the doctor had only listened to my symptoms and had only done a finger test. My official blood work wasn't back. I showed Cher my meds, and she told me all about the side effects and how one of them makes you pretty much have the runs.
My blood work was back. I met with the doctor, I was a diabetic. My A1C number was a 13 which is extremly high.
The doctor had me go to the diabetic nutrition class, blah, blah, blah.............
When I got there they took my blood pressure, and a lot of blood work. She also pricked my finger and listened to me tell her all of the issues I had been having. After it was all over, she said.... you are a diabetic. She was like, your fasting blood sugar is 187, which is high. I am going to put you on this one medicine until your blood work comes back in. When I have all of your blood work, we will meet and go over everything.
I was beyond devastated! I left feeling numb. The first person that I called was my friend Cher. Cher is my line sister from college and one of my closest dearest friends in the world. You can always count on Cher to keep it 100% honest with you, even when you aren't in the mood for it. Cher is also a Pharm. D, so any medicine I have to take, I always run it by her. It's nice to have your on personal pharmacist.
For some reason, I met Cher for lunch at Maggiono's. She was still in disbeleif too, and was adament that it was impossible for me to be a diabetic. Remember, the doctor had only listened to my symptoms and had only done a finger test. My official blood work wasn't back. I showed Cher my meds, and she told me all about the side effects and how one of them makes you pretty much have the runs.
My blood work was back. I met with the doctor, I was a diabetic. My A1C number was a 13 which is extremly high.
The doctor had me go to the diabetic nutrition class, blah, blah, blah.............
Still traveling.........
After Cancun, there were a few more trips....... Memphis, Bahamas Cruise, and Philly.
Let's see..... Memphis, was cool, good food but a lot of walking. We tried a lot of new restaurants, and saw some major tourist attractions. I got to go to Graceland.... I love Elvis (seriously). Shona went to the races on her own one night because it was just too much for me. I stayed in the room.
Philly....
Shona and I went to Philly to visit my cousins Robert and June. They are an older couple that have been married for over 60 years. They are so much fun, so full of energy and life, you honestly forget that they are in their late 70's early 80's. During this trip I got sick. I mean I didn't get sick to the point that people noticed, but I got sick till the point that it scared me.
You see the first night that we arrived, we took a limo ride to Deleware and ate at this nice seafood restaurant. While at the restaurant, I had trouble catching my breath, I felt honestly like I was dying. I excused myself from the table and went to the bathroom. I sat in one of the chairs and tried to catch my breath. I was also sweating really badly and my vision was blurred. I must have looked real crazy because a lady came in the restroom and asked if I was okay. Then she was like do you need an ambulance. I just sat for a few more minutes, finally caught my breath then I went back out with everyone else. I told my cousin, who is more like an Uncle that I was okay, just had a little cold. We ate and went on with everything.
To get to our room you had to walk up stairs. It was only a few stairs, but I had to stop in the middle of the stairway because I couldn't make it up all of them. My 80 year old cousin gets up every morning at 5 and walks 5 miles. LOL. He asked me if I wanted to join him. Yeah, right. I know it was his way of trying to address my weight. His wife (who I love) mentioned to me in casual conversation that her good friend who had a Ph.D was a diabetic and didn't take care of herself, now she is blind, and has lost one of her legs. She also mentioned that she had a lady friend from the church who had surgery and lost a bunch of weight. Now, I know Ms. June, she was talking to me without saying, Nicole we are worried.
Before we left for our next trip which was a cruise, I noticed some things. I noticed that my toes tingled a little. I noticed that I had less energy than normal. I also noticed that I was sleeping more and I was sweating really badly at night. I ignored everything, which is something that I am really good at. I remember one night I was eating a large gallon thing of ice cream, half way through I felt so sick, I started sweating really badly, and my head felt weird. I went to bed, it was probably 6:00PM, I didn't wake up again until 8:00AM, those of you that really know me, you know that I am a morning person and sleeping until 8:00AM is rare for me.
Well, time for the cruise. Notice, I haven't mentioned diet in a long time. That's because I wasn't on one anymore. Remember, that lady told me I didn't need to diet.
Shona, my friend Pam, and I left for the cruise. We drove to the port. On the cruise, I was more thirsty than normal. So, to quench my thirst, I had adult frozen drinks. Well, after a few of those, I noticed again, man I feel bad. On the way home from the cruise, I was driving, and I couldn't keep my eyes open. We had to pull over and Shona or Pam (I can't remember) had to drive. On the drive back I called my doctor's office and made an appointment.
I hate going to the doctor...............
Let's see..... Memphis, was cool, good food but a lot of walking. We tried a lot of new restaurants, and saw some major tourist attractions. I got to go to Graceland.... I love Elvis (seriously). Shona went to the races on her own one night because it was just too much for me. I stayed in the room.
Philly....
Shona and I went to Philly to visit my cousins Robert and June. They are an older couple that have been married for over 60 years. They are so much fun, so full of energy and life, you honestly forget that they are in their late 70's early 80's. During this trip I got sick. I mean I didn't get sick to the point that people noticed, but I got sick till the point that it scared me.
You see the first night that we arrived, we took a limo ride to Deleware and ate at this nice seafood restaurant. While at the restaurant, I had trouble catching my breath, I felt honestly like I was dying. I excused myself from the table and went to the bathroom. I sat in one of the chairs and tried to catch my breath. I was also sweating really badly and my vision was blurred. I must have looked real crazy because a lady came in the restroom and asked if I was okay. Then she was like do you need an ambulance. I just sat for a few more minutes, finally caught my breath then I went back out with everyone else. I told my cousin, who is more like an Uncle that I was okay, just had a little cold. We ate and went on with everything.
To get to our room you had to walk up stairs. It was only a few stairs, but I had to stop in the middle of the stairway because I couldn't make it up all of them. My 80 year old cousin gets up every morning at 5 and walks 5 miles. LOL. He asked me if I wanted to join him. Yeah, right. I know it was his way of trying to address my weight. His wife (who I love) mentioned to me in casual conversation that her good friend who had a Ph.D was a diabetic and didn't take care of herself, now she is blind, and has lost one of her legs. She also mentioned that she had a lady friend from the church who had surgery and lost a bunch of weight. Now, I know Ms. June, she was talking to me without saying, Nicole we are worried.
Before we left for our next trip which was a cruise, I noticed some things. I noticed that my toes tingled a little. I noticed that I had less energy than normal. I also noticed that I was sleeping more and I was sweating really badly at night. I ignored everything, which is something that I am really good at. I remember one night I was eating a large gallon thing of ice cream, half way through I felt so sick, I started sweating really badly, and my head felt weird. I went to bed, it was probably 6:00PM, I didn't wake up again until 8:00AM, those of you that really know me, you know that I am a morning person and sleeping until 8:00AM is rare for me.
Well, time for the cruise. Notice, I haven't mentioned diet in a long time. That's because I wasn't on one anymore. Remember, that lady told me I didn't need to diet.
Shona, my friend Pam, and I left for the cruise. We drove to the port. On the cruise, I was more thirsty than normal. So, to quench my thirst, I had adult frozen drinks. Well, after a few of those, I noticed again, man I feel bad. On the way home from the cruise, I was driving, and I couldn't keep my eyes open. We had to pull over and Shona or Pam (I can't remember) had to drive. On the drive back I called my doctor's office and made an appointment.
I hate going to the doctor...............
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Traveling.....
That summer, Shona and I were really traveling. We would wake up, decide we were bored, get online and book a trip.
Let me start with our Cancun trip. We rarely sat next to each other on the planes, Shona would be like, we don't have to sit together, and I wanted so badly to tell her, I need you to sit next to me........ but that pride is a crazy thing. I was too proud to tell my sister the following:
- I have to get a seat belt extension
- The arm rest doesn't go down, so if the person next to me wants to let it down, I sit in pain the entire ride.
- I am so big I really need two seats, so I have to sit forward so I won't smush the person next to me.
But, I didn't tell her, I just suffered. You may be asking yourself, what would telling her have done? Well, she wouldn't have cared if I needed the arm rest up. She is smaller so I would have had the arm rest up, plus a few inches from her seat, and she wouldn't have cared if our shoulders touched. A stranger does not want to ride on a plane for 3 to 4 hours with someone and be practically sitting in their lap the entire time.
So ALL plane rides were miserable. They became so miserable that I finally just stopped traveling. I made up lies as to why I couldn't. But the real reason was.......... I was just too big. Okay, now moving on with the story.
Don't get me wrong! I had a blast in Cancun, but it was a limited blast. There were so many things I wanted to do, but physically I just couldn't. Shona went to the ruins, God I so badly wanted to go, but I knew I couldn't. This soon became a trend. The trend became, me wanting so badly to explore, to do things, but not being able to, so I just didn't. I pretended it didn't interest me. I would even say....... You go ahead, that really doesn't interest me.
Shona and I got into a fight on that trip too. We sure did and it was a weight related fight. We were on the bus in Cancun and it was something one of us wanted to do, and I couldn't because of my weight and she said something and it struck a personal nerve. When I say a personal nerve, I mean, it really had nothing to do with Shona, it had everything to do with Nicole. Shona was just the innocent by stander who got caught in the fight, because she was the one that was there. As I blog, you all will notice that poor Shona ends up being the innocent person that takes the venting a lot. It's hard to believe that she has still hung around and stuck all this out with me.
Well, I gave Shona a piece of my mind. I let her know that I weighed over 300 pounds and I couldn't and she didn't understand because she wasn't fat. Trust me, that Shona will give it back to me, so she told me her thoughts. It is funny now.
I actually came home from Cancun a day early. Not because Shona and I had an arguement. The fight just lasted the bus ride, we were done when we finished riding the bus. I honeslty came home because I was miserable and uncomfortable and couldn't take anymore!
I came home digusted, hurting, miserable, and dying on the inside. I felt hopeless..... So I did what I do best I ate.
That was the best part of traveling back home. I had a lay over in Houston, so I got to eat American food. You see, I did not eat much in Cancun because I didn't care for the food. So, when I got to the Houston airport, I put it DOWN!!! Me putting it down at the resturants in at the airport almost caused me to miss my connection flight. Seriously, I almost didn't make it. My legs were so big that I could barely walk to my terminal and pull my luggage. I was practically in tears, I was sweating. That walk was so painful. I made it with no time to spare.
I came home, feeling defeated. I put on my happy face, acted as if all was well, and kept moving. I kept living out the outside, but inside, I was dead......
Let me start with our Cancun trip. We rarely sat next to each other on the planes, Shona would be like, we don't have to sit together, and I wanted so badly to tell her, I need you to sit next to me........ but that pride is a crazy thing. I was too proud to tell my sister the following:
- I have to get a seat belt extension
- The arm rest doesn't go down, so if the person next to me wants to let it down, I sit in pain the entire ride.
- I am so big I really need two seats, so I have to sit forward so I won't smush the person next to me.
But, I didn't tell her, I just suffered. You may be asking yourself, what would telling her have done? Well, she wouldn't have cared if I needed the arm rest up. She is smaller so I would have had the arm rest up, plus a few inches from her seat, and she wouldn't have cared if our shoulders touched. A stranger does not want to ride on a plane for 3 to 4 hours with someone and be practically sitting in their lap the entire time.
So ALL plane rides were miserable. They became so miserable that I finally just stopped traveling. I made up lies as to why I couldn't. But the real reason was.......... I was just too big. Okay, now moving on with the story.
Don't get me wrong! I had a blast in Cancun, but it was a limited blast. There were so many things I wanted to do, but physically I just couldn't. Shona went to the ruins, God I so badly wanted to go, but I knew I couldn't. This soon became a trend. The trend became, me wanting so badly to explore, to do things, but not being able to, so I just didn't. I pretended it didn't interest me. I would even say....... You go ahead, that really doesn't interest me.
Shona and I got into a fight on that trip too. We sure did and it was a weight related fight. We were on the bus in Cancun and it was something one of us wanted to do, and I couldn't because of my weight and she said something and it struck a personal nerve. When I say a personal nerve, I mean, it really had nothing to do with Shona, it had everything to do with Nicole. Shona was just the innocent by stander who got caught in the fight, because she was the one that was there. As I blog, you all will notice that poor Shona ends up being the innocent person that takes the venting a lot. It's hard to believe that she has still hung around and stuck all this out with me.
Well, I gave Shona a piece of my mind. I let her know that I weighed over 300 pounds and I couldn't and she didn't understand because she wasn't fat. Trust me, that Shona will give it back to me, so she told me her thoughts. It is funny now.
I actually came home from Cancun a day early. Not because Shona and I had an arguement. The fight just lasted the bus ride, we were done when we finished riding the bus. I honeslty came home because I was miserable and uncomfortable and couldn't take anymore!
I came home digusted, hurting, miserable, and dying on the inside. I felt hopeless..... So I did what I do best I ate.
That was the best part of traveling back home. I had a lay over in Houston, so I got to eat American food. You see, I did not eat much in Cancun because I didn't care for the food. So, when I got to the Houston airport, I put it DOWN!!! Me putting it down at the resturants in at the airport almost caused me to miss my connection flight. Seriously, I almost didn't make it. My legs were so big that I could barely walk to my terminal and pull my luggage. I was practically in tears, I was sweating. That walk was so painful. I made it with no time to spare.
I came home, feeling defeated. I put on my happy face, acted as if all was well, and kept moving. I kept living out the outside, but inside, I was dead......
Getting it together
Well, I was cleaning up my life. I had actually lost weight, and really wasn't trying. I was on my way, now I had to clean up this money mess I had made. While I had been binging, I had been ignoring other things, things that were important.
Let me start off with this........ I HATE mail. I have been known to go to the mailbox, look through the mail, then put it back in the mailbox. I don't open it, I just make a special place and stack it up until the feeling hits me and I decide to open it. Well, while I was binging, I did just that! I ignored the bills as they came, I just pretended they didn't exist.
When I finally did open the mail, the bills were just crazy. Now, naturally, I paid attention to the obvious bills, but the other bills, I just let add up. I knew I was spending out of control, but I had credit and I used that credit. I had been sending in the minimum payment, and not even taking the time to see how much I was in debt or how much interest I was paying. When I started digging into the debt, it wasn't pretty. So I did what I do best, I went extreme. I went from spending to not spending. I used coupons, I got rid of my expensive nice luxary car and got me a nice inexpensive ford taurus. I pretty much sat at home! It is funny now, when people would call me I would say...."I am practicing my new life style." My new lifestyle was doing nothing but watching every penny I spent. Well, with me it is all or nothing, so when I went so extreme with my money, I finally ended up breaking. Well, I didn't break with the money, I loosened up and spent a little again, and re-did my budget and gave myself a little wiggle room.
But, I broke down again and started binging. I now wonder if my extreme new life style caused me to break. I wonder if putting so much restriction on my budget caused me to rebel in some fashion or another. I can be so extreme and controlling at times. I like to be in total control of everything. I now think that when I am not in total control, I get frustrated and just say "bump it" and I give up all control.
I binged and binged, and I kept it hid. People would say, you don't eat much, I don't know why you are big. I now laugh because I ate more than anyone would have ever guessed, I just hid it. I would go out with friends and eat only a little, I would even eat something healthy. Then, when I was alone, I would eat in massive amounts. I would go to resturants sit down and eat, then order take out like it was someone else. LOL. It was for me. Just crazy stuff. I lied to people about food, about what I ate? Why? Who does that? Well, I did. And looking back, it seems so silly. Of all the things to lie about, why lie about FOOD?
Years and years of binging, yo-yo dieting, etc. Finally took a toll on me. It should have been the best times, but.................
Let me start off with this........ I HATE mail. I have been known to go to the mailbox, look through the mail, then put it back in the mailbox. I don't open it, I just make a special place and stack it up until the feeling hits me and I decide to open it. Well, while I was binging, I did just that! I ignored the bills as they came, I just pretended they didn't exist.
When I finally did open the mail, the bills were just crazy. Now, naturally, I paid attention to the obvious bills, but the other bills, I just let add up. I knew I was spending out of control, but I had credit and I used that credit. I had been sending in the minimum payment, and not even taking the time to see how much I was in debt or how much interest I was paying. When I started digging into the debt, it wasn't pretty. So I did what I do best, I went extreme. I went from spending to not spending. I used coupons, I got rid of my expensive nice luxary car and got me a nice inexpensive ford taurus. I pretty much sat at home! It is funny now, when people would call me I would say...."I am practicing my new life style." My new lifestyle was doing nothing but watching every penny I spent. Well, with me it is all or nothing, so when I went so extreme with my money, I finally ended up breaking. Well, I didn't break with the money, I loosened up and spent a little again, and re-did my budget and gave myself a little wiggle room.
But, I broke down again and started binging. I now wonder if my extreme new life style caused me to break. I wonder if putting so much restriction on my budget caused me to rebel in some fashion or another. I can be so extreme and controlling at times. I like to be in total control of everything. I now think that when I am not in total control, I get frustrated and just say "bump it" and I give up all control.
I binged and binged, and I kept it hid. People would say, you don't eat much, I don't know why you are big. I now laugh because I ate more than anyone would have ever guessed, I just hid it. I would go out with friends and eat only a little, I would even eat something healthy. Then, when I was alone, I would eat in massive amounts. I would go to resturants sit down and eat, then order take out like it was someone else. LOL. It was for me. Just crazy stuff. I lied to people about food, about what I ate? Why? Who does that? Well, I did. And looking back, it seems so silly. Of all the things to lie about, why lie about FOOD?
Years and years of binging, yo-yo dieting, etc. Finally took a toll on me. It should have been the best times, but.................
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Reality Hit
Well, "That Lady" told me that I should not deprieve myself, because that sends me into binges. So, I didn't deprieve myself. Actutally, I did well for a while. I didn't binge, I didn't take laxatives, I didn't throw up, I didn't do anything extreme. I guess I was somewhat normal for a little while.
While I was NORMAL, my head was clear. I wrote in a journal (another suggestion from the lady), and I organized my life. Boy was it a mess! Those binges were expensive, buying clothes to fit my body because of the binges were expensive. All the shoes, purses, jewlrey, and food had added up! Hell, I didn't realize it, but I was in DEBT! Looking back, in one of my journals, I had spent in one day $150.00 just on food. (And there were plenty of days that I did this, I just didn't document it) WHOA! At this point in my life I don't spend that on food in two weeks! In one day, I spent roughly $150.00 bucks. That is INSANE! Okay, you can close your mouth now. I went to Mrs. Winners for an early breakfast and had two steak biscuits, and a cinnimon swirl. Then, I met my buddy BG around 1030AM at Ihop and I had an omlet with pancakes. When I left there I went to the grocery store, where I purchased, chips, cookies, etc. and spent roughly 25.00. (Yes, I ate all the junk before I went to bed). For lunch, around 200PM, I went to the Corner Cafe and had wings, all flats with onion rings and a drink. Afterwards, I went into Shannon Mall and bought 2 double dooizes from the cookie company ( I finished them off before I made it back home). That evening, Shona and I went to Long Horn where I had an appetizer, and a ribeye steak meal, with fried cheesecake. Yeap, sit and total it all, you will get rougly $150.00. Sad part is.......... I had a lot of days like this. Well, these binges over the course of a few years, plus the cost of the doctor's visits to get my drugs, plus the cost of new clothes, to fit my body.(Cause everybody know's Nicole likes clothes at any size and hates wearing the same thing) put me in a bind. It wasn't until I got clean that I realized the other side effects of my drug. I was in debt. We are talking real debt. I had department store credit cards, I had major bank credit cards, that added up to the tune of over 25,000 bucks. Yeap.
Well, I was in school, and for my doctoral degree I had to take out student loans. The IRS has never been my friend. I had a car note, hosptial bills, mortgage, and major credit card bills. No wonder I stayed high on my drug (food)! With a clear mind I was able to see the damage I had done.
How the heck was I going to fix this mess. Well, I did it the only way Nicole Anderson Keith knew how. I used Nicole's logic. I went to the extreme.
While I was NORMAL, my head was clear. I wrote in a journal (another suggestion from the lady), and I organized my life. Boy was it a mess! Those binges were expensive, buying clothes to fit my body because of the binges were expensive. All the shoes, purses, jewlrey, and food had added up! Hell, I didn't realize it, but I was in DEBT! Looking back, in one of my journals, I had spent in one day $150.00 just on food. (And there were plenty of days that I did this, I just didn't document it) WHOA! At this point in my life I don't spend that on food in two weeks! In one day, I spent roughly $150.00 bucks. That is INSANE! Okay, you can close your mouth now. I went to Mrs. Winners for an early breakfast and had two steak biscuits, and a cinnimon swirl. Then, I met my buddy BG around 1030AM at Ihop and I had an omlet with pancakes. When I left there I went to the grocery store, where I purchased, chips, cookies, etc. and spent roughly 25.00. (Yes, I ate all the junk before I went to bed). For lunch, around 200PM, I went to the Corner Cafe and had wings, all flats with onion rings and a drink. Afterwards, I went into Shannon Mall and bought 2 double dooizes from the cookie company ( I finished them off before I made it back home). That evening, Shona and I went to Long Horn where I had an appetizer, and a ribeye steak meal, with fried cheesecake. Yeap, sit and total it all, you will get rougly $150.00. Sad part is.......... I had a lot of days like this. Well, these binges over the course of a few years, plus the cost of the doctor's visits to get my drugs, plus the cost of new clothes, to fit my body.(Cause everybody know's Nicole likes clothes at any size and hates wearing the same thing) put me in a bind. It wasn't until I got clean that I realized the other side effects of my drug. I was in debt. We are talking real debt. I had department store credit cards, I had major bank credit cards, that added up to the tune of over 25,000 bucks. Yeap.
Well, I was in school, and for my doctoral degree I had to take out student loans. The IRS has never been my friend. I had a car note, hosptial bills, mortgage, and major credit card bills. No wonder I stayed high on my drug (food)! With a clear mind I was able to see the damage I had done.
How the heck was I going to fix this mess. Well, I did it the only way Nicole Anderson Keith knew how. I used Nicole's logic. I went to the extreme.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Never simple
Things with me are rarely simple. I mean, in my mind things are clear, they are black and white. However, I can from time to time leave the people who love me scratching their heads. On the outside, I appear to be the same all the time, I appear to be simple, easy going, etc. However; there can be moments in my life where I am implusive. There are moments where I can become super extreme, and there are moments that I can just hear what Nicole wants to hear!!!
Well, I went to see the shrink. I don't know her name because I honestly called her, "THAT LADY" whenever I made any type of reference to anyone about her. Actually, now that I look back, I treated that entire experience as if it were joke, and I got jokingly results.
I went and saw, "That Lady" around 3 or 4 times. The first visit resulted in me spending an hour answering questions and explaining what happened at Ridgeview and how that plain Jan looking lady "TRIED ME." It was also spent with me explaining how I really didn't have a problem and how the entrie situation was blown way up!
The next visit, I literally just sat on the couch and didn't say too much. Wasn't much for me to say, "That Lady" was like so, Nicole, tell my why you think you are here. And Nicole was pretty much like, if I knew I wouldn't be here and you are the professional you tell me. That session was a waste of my insurance money. The next session she tried a different method and had a bunch of questions for me, I answered them, then I began to talk. I talked about my eating and dieting habits. I talked about my goals, my asperations, and how I plan pretty much everything out. I sort of talked about "my ways" and for those of you who know me, you know that when Nicole sets her mind out to do something she goes all or nothing. I went back to see the lady one more time.
Did I get anything out of it? You bet I did...........
Out of everything that lady talked to me about, I got this out of it...... Nicole you are an extremist, and whatever you do you do it to the extreme. With your type of personality you should never go on a diet, because what you do is, you deny, you deny, you deny, you make it so hard that you finally break down and when you do...... you binge then you feel guilty then you get rid of it.
Was she worth the insurance money? Yeap, cause I haven't abused laxatives, nor thrown up since. And, I took the opportunity for about two years to never watch what I ate because, that lady told me that I should never diet.
Well.............. that created a new set of issues......
Well, I went to see the shrink. I don't know her name because I honestly called her, "THAT LADY" whenever I made any type of reference to anyone about her. Actually, now that I look back, I treated that entire experience as if it were joke, and I got jokingly results.
I went and saw, "That Lady" around 3 or 4 times. The first visit resulted in me spending an hour answering questions and explaining what happened at Ridgeview and how that plain Jan looking lady "TRIED ME." It was also spent with me explaining how I really didn't have a problem and how the entrie situation was blown way up!
The next visit, I literally just sat on the couch and didn't say too much. Wasn't much for me to say, "That Lady" was like so, Nicole, tell my why you think you are here. And Nicole was pretty much like, if I knew I wouldn't be here and you are the professional you tell me. That session was a waste of my insurance money. The next session she tried a different method and had a bunch of questions for me, I answered them, then I began to talk. I talked about my eating and dieting habits. I talked about my goals, my asperations, and how I plan pretty much everything out. I sort of talked about "my ways" and for those of you who know me, you know that when Nicole sets her mind out to do something she goes all or nothing. I went back to see the lady one more time.
Did I get anything out of it? You bet I did...........
Out of everything that lady talked to me about, I got this out of it...... Nicole you are an extremist, and whatever you do you do it to the extreme. With your type of personality you should never go on a diet, because what you do is, you deny, you deny, you deny, you make it so hard that you finally break down and when you do...... you binge then you feel guilty then you get rid of it.
Was she worth the insurance money? Yeap, cause I haven't abused laxatives, nor thrown up since. And, I took the opportunity for about two years to never watch what I ate because, that lady told me that I should never diet.
Well.............. that created a new set of issues......
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Ridgeview..........
At this point, I was back in Newnan working at Arnall Middle School, teaching 7th grade math. I know longer waited tables, and I was working on my Doctoral degree. I had purchased a home in Union City and I was on my way to becoming an assistant principal. Career wise, I was on track, but my personal life was off track.
I made the appointment, they sent me all this info to read before my appointment. I remember going to the mall the day of my appointment. I went to Southlake Mall, I didn't want to go to that stupid appointment, and I thought of every reason in the world that I should not go. At the mall before my appointment I ate a chocolate chip double doozie.(Don't know how I remember that but I do) I hadn't had anything "bad" for me since the emergency room visit, nor had I binged, nor had I made myself throw-up. See, I didn't have a problem, it had been a week. So, why did I need to go to that stupid appointment.
I spoke to Shona on my ride to Ridgeview. I kept telling her how stupid it was and how I didn't see why I was even going. Well........... I got there...... and immediately turned my nose up. I filled out some papers and waited. Then I went to the back area, filled out more papers and waited. Then I met this lady, she looked to be in her late 20's early 30's. The asked me a lot of questions........ had me fill out this long sheet full of questions....... Then I waited again while they reviewed my info. I answered most of the questions honestly. Okay, I am lying, I lied on most of the questions. Once again........ I am not stupid and I knew that if I had answered those questions honestly, they would have admitted me. So, I sort of fudged the truth and made my problem seem less that what I know now it really was.
That plain Jane looking lady with the stringy looking brown hair and the skin that needed sun or a tanning bed came back into the room with me. She started talking........ honestly, I don't remember too much of what she said because I was giving her plain looking self a much needed make over in my head. Then she said something that really pissed me off and stopped my mind from making her over! She said....... I see you have a very expensive bag.... buying expensive things won't fix your problem. That bag I know cost over $300.00 and it won't make you happy, it only will make things worse. You look as if you..................... blah blah blah, she said some more BS about spending money and my purse isn't going to make my problems go away.
Really! She didn't know me. It was a dooney and burke bag. WOW! In my mind I am like, you plain country bumpkin. How dare she judge me off one purse. How dare she........ well that was it. I was done, my 4 hour appointment lasted 2 hours because Nicole blew that joint. Yeap, I sure did.......... I nicely gave that lady a piece of my mind, and I got my dooney and burke purse and walked out of that stupid Ridgeview place.
I didn't need that place because there wasn't anything wrong with me. I didn't call anybody until I got home. Then I hyped up my situation the way only Nicole Anderson Keith could. I told Shona all about the country bumpkin lady. I told my mom and Joe (my boyfriend during all of this, God rest his soul) too........... It is funny...... I remember Shona discussing how the lady needed to see my closet and see the other Dooney bag's and the Coach bag's too. Whatever.
Then Shona asked me, so what are you going to do. I remember promising to go see a counsler. I am a woman of my word. I went........ But it was an event too........
I made the appointment, they sent me all this info to read before my appointment. I remember going to the mall the day of my appointment. I went to Southlake Mall, I didn't want to go to that stupid appointment, and I thought of every reason in the world that I should not go. At the mall before my appointment I ate a chocolate chip double doozie.(Don't know how I remember that but I do) I hadn't had anything "bad" for me since the emergency room visit, nor had I binged, nor had I made myself throw-up. See, I didn't have a problem, it had been a week. So, why did I need to go to that stupid appointment.
I spoke to Shona on my ride to Ridgeview. I kept telling her how stupid it was and how I didn't see why I was even going. Well........... I got there...... and immediately turned my nose up. I filled out some papers and waited. Then I went to the back area, filled out more papers and waited. Then I met this lady, she looked to be in her late 20's early 30's. The asked me a lot of questions........ had me fill out this long sheet full of questions....... Then I waited again while they reviewed my info. I answered most of the questions honestly. Okay, I am lying, I lied on most of the questions. Once again........ I am not stupid and I knew that if I had answered those questions honestly, they would have admitted me. So, I sort of fudged the truth and made my problem seem less that what I know now it really was.
That plain Jane looking lady with the stringy looking brown hair and the skin that needed sun or a tanning bed came back into the room with me. She started talking........ honestly, I don't remember too much of what she said because I was giving her plain looking self a much needed make over in my head. Then she said something that really pissed me off and stopped my mind from making her over! She said....... I see you have a very expensive bag.... buying expensive things won't fix your problem. That bag I know cost over $300.00 and it won't make you happy, it only will make things worse. You look as if you..................... blah blah blah, she said some more BS about spending money and my purse isn't going to make my problems go away.
Really! She didn't know me. It was a dooney and burke bag. WOW! In my mind I am like, you plain country bumpkin. How dare she judge me off one purse. How dare she........ well that was it. I was done, my 4 hour appointment lasted 2 hours because Nicole blew that joint. Yeap, I sure did.......... I nicely gave that lady a piece of my mind, and I got my dooney and burke purse and walked out of that stupid Ridgeview place.
I didn't need that place because there wasn't anything wrong with me. I didn't call anybody until I got home. Then I hyped up my situation the way only Nicole Anderson Keith could. I told Shona all about the country bumpkin lady. I told my mom and Joe (my boyfriend during all of this, God rest his soul) too........... It is funny...... I remember Shona discussing how the lady needed to see my closet and see the other Dooney bag's and the Coach bag's too. Whatever.
Then Shona asked me, so what are you going to do. I remember promising to go see a counsler. I am a woman of my word. I went........ But it was an event too........
The emergency room......
My laxative taking, throwing up habit only got worse. I would binge then throw up. When I say binge, I mean binge. I would eat up to 10,000 calories in one sitting, here's an example of something I ate March 2003, (I found this in an old journal).......... Big Mac, large fry, two apple pies, two buritto supreme's, nacho bell grande, Mr. Goodbar. I ate all of that in one sitting. Here's another one.......... Med. supreme pizza from domino's, cheese sticks, box of thin mints. Yes, I ate all of that in one sitting as well. Good part, I didn't gain any weight because I got rid of it all.
Well, one Saturday, my friend Dee B. and I drove to Augusta to see our friend Tawana's new baby boy. I drove...... on the way down, we stopped at Krystal in Lithonia. My stomach didn't feel right, so I didn't eat anything eles that day. On the way back, I was feeling just okay. My stomach wasn't right, but I was okay. I was driving and we are talking and clowning like normal. All of a sudden, sharp pains hit me. The pain came from my back and shot all the way around to my stomach, my chest, every where. I had to pull over and let Dee drive. Once I got home, I crawled into the bed. I honestly couldn't even stand up straight. As the evening went on the pains got worse and I started throwing up. I was heaving, it was horrible. Around mid-night, I couldn't take it anymore and called my then best friend Shona (you will see by the end of this blog why I said then best friend). I woke Shona up, she was at my house within minutes, but those minutes seemed like hours. As she drove, I moaned, I moved from side to side, the pain was literally unbearable. We made it to the emergency room, Shona drove like a bat out of hell and got us the quickly. I was in so much pain I didn't have to wait in the waiting room, they took me to the back area ASAP. This is where I got exposed!
Shona wouldn't leave my side. I was in so much pain it was hard for me to talk. I tried my best to tell Shona she didn't have to come back with me, but she wouldn't leave my side. They had given me a pan to hold since I kept throwing up. At this point I was throwing up blood..... I looked over at Shona and tears were coming out of her eyes. The nurse started asking me A LOT of questions. I had two options....... option A) Lie, and pray they could still figure out what was wrong with me option B) Tell the truth and become expose. Being that I am not dumb, I went with option B. The nurse asked me what medicines I took. I told the truth and mentioned the diet pills that I popped from time to time. Shona looked surprised because those pills kept me up all night and I had promised her I wouldn't take them anymore. I mentioned the laxatives, oh yeah, I mentioned making myself throw up. Uh-oh! Ding! I actually said it outloud. I admitted this to people.
The put an IV in me, I had thrown up so much nothing else would come out. I begged Shona not to call my parents, not yet. We stayed in that hospital for hours. I mean HOURS. All night, we didn't leave until Sunday morning. In the end, they fixed me up, explained what was wrong, gave me some medicine, told me that I had bulimia.
They said I had IBS, stomach ulcers, and I was dehydrated. They mentioned that they thought that I might have some severe esophageal problems and that I should follow up with my PCP as soon as possible. They also mentioned that I needed to get help for my eating disorder.
Eating disorder???????? HUH? What were they talking about. I don't have an eating disorder! Why do they keep talking about bulimia? I am a black female, I can't have bulimia. We don't get that. They don't know what they are talking about!
Well, Shona gave me a deadline to tell my parents or she was going to do it. She also stood by me through the entire process and is still standing by me. That is why she isn't my best friend, she is my sister. If it wasn't for her that night, if it wasn't for how she supported me then and supports me now, I don't know if I would have made it through that ordeal. She told me what I didn't want to hear, through the entire process....... she told me the truth, no matter how raw and uncensored it was.
Back to the blog...... My PCP ordered a lot of test, did a lot of lecturing, and ordered me to go to this place called Ridgeview for a test. What a minute.... Ridgeview. I was a teacher, I know what Ridgeview is. It is a place where crazy people go. No ma'am, I ain't going there. Nope! Not me!
My PCP gave me all this info on Bulimia.... my PCP kept using that bulimia word too. It really got on my nerves that people kept using that word when they talked to me...............
My PCP also suggested that I get help for my problem. In Nicole's mind, I didn't have a problem. Everybody who thought I had a problem, were the people with the problem.
My mother made sure I called Ridgeview and set up that stupid appointment. Yes, I called the appointment stupid. Shona kept saying....... you are going so stop complaining and stop calling it stupid. I went alright...... And for those of you that know Nicole Keith, you know the appointment wasn't smooth and easy.
Well, one Saturday, my friend Dee B. and I drove to Augusta to see our friend Tawana's new baby boy. I drove...... on the way down, we stopped at Krystal in Lithonia. My stomach didn't feel right, so I didn't eat anything eles that day. On the way back, I was feeling just okay. My stomach wasn't right, but I was okay. I was driving and we are talking and clowning like normal. All of a sudden, sharp pains hit me. The pain came from my back and shot all the way around to my stomach, my chest, every where. I had to pull over and let Dee drive. Once I got home, I crawled into the bed. I honestly couldn't even stand up straight. As the evening went on the pains got worse and I started throwing up. I was heaving, it was horrible. Around mid-night, I couldn't take it anymore and called my then best friend Shona (you will see by the end of this blog why I said then best friend). I woke Shona up, she was at my house within minutes, but those minutes seemed like hours. As she drove, I moaned, I moved from side to side, the pain was literally unbearable. We made it to the emergency room, Shona drove like a bat out of hell and got us the quickly. I was in so much pain I didn't have to wait in the waiting room, they took me to the back area ASAP. This is where I got exposed!
Shona wouldn't leave my side. I was in so much pain it was hard for me to talk. I tried my best to tell Shona she didn't have to come back with me, but she wouldn't leave my side. They had given me a pan to hold since I kept throwing up. At this point I was throwing up blood..... I looked over at Shona and tears were coming out of her eyes. The nurse started asking me A LOT of questions. I had two options....... option A) Lie, and pray they could still figure out what was wrong with me option B) Tell the truth and become expose. Being that I am not dumb, I went with option B. The nurse asked me what medicines I took. I told the truth and mentioned the diet pills that I popped from time to time. Shona looked surprised because those pills kept me up all night and I had promised her I wouldn't take them anymore. I mentioned the laxatives, oh yeah, I mentioned making myself throw up. Uh-oh! Ding! I actually said it outloud. I admitted this to people.
The put an IV in me, I had thrown up so much nothing else would come out. I begged Shona not to call my parents, not yet. We stayed in that hospital for hours. I mean HOURS. All night, we didn't leave until Sunday morning. In the end, they fixed me up, explained what was wrong, gave me some medicine, told me that I had bulimia.
They said I had IBS, stomach ulcers, and I was dehydrated. They mentioned that they thought that I might have some severe esophageal problems and that I should follow up with my PCP as soon as possible. They also mentioned that I needed to get help for my eating disorder.
Eating disorder???????? HUH? What were they talking about. I don't have an eating disorder! Why do they keep talking about bulimia? I am a black female, I can't have bulimia. We don't get that. They don't know what they are talking about!
Well, Shona gave me a deadline to tell my parents or she was going to do it. She also stood by me through the entire process and is still standing by me. That is why she isn't my best friend, she is my sister. If it wasn't for her that night, if it wasn't for how she supported me then and supports me now, I don't know if I would have made it through that ordeal. She told me what I didn't want to hear, through the entire process....... she told me the truth, no matter how raw and uncensored it was.
Back to the blog...... My PCP ordered a lot of test, did a lot of lecturing, and ordered me to go to this place called Ridgeview for a test. What a minute.... Ridgeview. I was a teacher, I know what Ridgeview is. It is a place where crazy people go. No ma'am, I ain't going there. Nope! Not me!
My PCP gave me all this info on Bulimia.... my PCP kept using that bulimia word too. It really got on my nerves that people kept using that word when they talked to me...............
My PCP also suggested that I get help for my problem. In Nicole's mind, I didn't have a problem. Everybody who thought I had a problem, were the people with the problem.
My mother made sure I called Ridgeview and set up that stupid appointment. Yes, I called the appointment stupid. Shona kept saying....... you are going so stop complaining and stop calling it stupid. I went alright...... And for those of you that know Nicole Keith, you know the appointment wasn't smooth and easy.
Pictures
People always say that you can spot a person with an eating disorder. I decided to post pictures of me during the time that I was taking laxatives and making myself throw-up.
This is a picture of Eric B. and myself in 2002. We had lunch with a group of people at Maggiono's one of my favorite Italian resturants. I ate plenty..... (It was all free) so I ate a lot! I actually depostied the food I ate in the Maggiono restroom.
In Vegas at a convention.
This is a picture of Eric B. and myself in 2002. We had lunch with a group of people at Maggiono's one of my favorite Italian resturants. I ate plenty..... (It was all free) so I ate a lot! I actually depostied the food I ate in the Maggiono restroom.
In Vegas at a convention.
My weight loss excursion: Well.........
My weight loss excursion: Well.........: "I stayed in South Fulton for two years, and the first year I was there I gained around 80lbs. Yes, I gained that much in one school year. ..."
Well.........
I stayed in South Fulton for two years, and the first year I was there I gained around 80lbs. Yes, I gained that much in one school year. So, it was time to do what I have become so good at. This time, I was going to do better though. I went back to my pills........ Dr. Bass, was too far away and his hours didn't work with my new job. So, a friend of mine introduced me to Dr. Smith in Riverdale. He gave me pills, shots, blah.........blah.............blah, same old story, just another doctor. Well, I lost some weight, but it wasn't as fast, and I didn't feel like the pills were really working for me.
Well.............. I started taking laxatives before I at something fattening. It was supposed to be a one time thing, but it turned into a weekly thing, every other day thing, then a daily thing. I was still working at O'Charley's waiting tables, taking pills, and taking laxatives. I was also working out every free minute I got. Every time I ate something I wasn't supposed to eat, I would take a laxative, and work out. I was doing it and I was doing big. I had lost over 80lbs, and this time I was going to keep it off.....
I really don't know what made me do it, I was at O'Charley's and I ate two rolls, I felt so guilty, I went into the restroom, put my finger down my throat and threw the rolls back up. Just like that, it was that easy. That was the very first time I had ever done that, too bad it wasn't the last time. The second time I did this was at the Cheesecake Factory. I was the math contact for my school in South Fulton. We had a math contact meeting there, I had planned on eating healthy, but....... it didn't work out that way. I ate like a pig.. I ate everything I wanted, plus what I didn't want. Immediately, I went into the restroom put my finger down my throat, and made it all better.
This wasn't supposed to happen, it was supposed to be a one time thing. Well, if you know me, nothing is ever a one time thing, and I take everything to the extreme, including throwing up. I stopped taking pills everyday and just took them from time to time. I did slow down with the laxatives, but I increased the number of times I threw up food and I increased my workouts.
Life was good. I had a master's degree, I had an add on in educational leadership, I was finishing my 6 year degree in educational leadership, and I was about to start working on my doctorate in education leadership. I was finally keeping the weight off. I was hot stuff, I was getting so much male attention, it was unreal. Life was so great, or so I thought.
But, like that good old saying goes........... All good things must come to an end. Well my good thing did come to an end........ but I would have picked another way for this to end.................
Well.............. I started taking laxatives before I at something fattening. It was supposed to be a one time thing, but it turned into a weekly thing, every other day thing, then a daily thing. I was still working at O'Charley's waiting tables, taking pills, and taking laxatives. I was also working out every free minute I got. Every time I ate something I wasn't supposed to eat, I would take a laxative, and work out. I was doing it and I was doing big. I had lost over 80lbs, and this time I was going to keep it off.....
I really don't know what made me do it, I was at O'Charley's and I ate two rolls, I felt so guilty, I went into the restroom, put my finger down my throat and threw the rolls back up. Just like that, it was that easy. That was the very first time I had ever done that, too bad it wasn't the last time. The second time I did this was at the Cheesecake Factory. I was the math contact for my school in South Fulton. We had a math contact meeting there, I had planned on eating healthy, but....... it didn't work out that way. I ate like a pig.. I ate everything I wanted, plus what I didn't want. Immediately, I went into the restroom put my finger down my throat, and made it all better.
This wasn't supposed to happen, it was supposed to be a one time thing. Well, if you know me, nothing is ever a one time thing, and I take everything to the extreme, including throwing up. I stopped taking pills everyday and just took them from time to time. I did slow down with the laxatives, but I increased the number of times I threw up food and I increased my workouts.
Life was good. I had a master's degree, I had an add on in educational leadership, I was finishing my 6 year degree in educational leadership, and I was about to start working on my doctorate in education leadership. I was finally keeping the weight off. I was hot stuff, I was getting so much male attention, it was unreal. Life was so great, or so I thought.
But, like that good old saying goes........... All good things must come to an end. Well my good thing did come to an end........ but I would have picked another way for this to end.................
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Starting a new chapter
Well, I did it.... I graduated from FVSU. I decided to take a job in my home town teaching. So, I moved back home and I started teaching 6th grade. I had so many things to adjust to... Like living at home with my parents after being on my own for 4 years, going to a job with older people, not really having in friends at home to go out with on a daily bases like in college. Also, I was probably the youngest person in my school building and I was one of only two black people. I had gone to an all black college. So all of this took some adjusting. It didn't take me long to adjust and I ended up liking my co-workers. They were really nice people who were always willing to help.
I did go through a lil depression though. I was away from the guy that I thought was my "soul mate" who I will call WT. I started grad school, and I got two part time jobs, O'Charley's and Macy's. If I wasn't in school, I was at my real job, or a part time job. I rarely slept, and I ate any and everything I could fine. I waited tables on the weekends, and I worked at Macy's from 5-9PM, and I took two to three classes a sememster. All I did was eat, work, and sleep. I worked seven days a week. Naturally, I gained A TON of weight. I was wearing a size 22. I was having trouble taking deep breaths so I went to the doctor. He said that it was all of the extra weight weighing on my lungs, and I needed to lose weight. So, I did. I went to Dr. Bass, who hooked me up. He gave me pills, and shots, told me to eat 1000 calories or less and to exercise. I followed his directions, actually, I became a little obsessed with his directions. I exercised twice a day. I did taebo, I ran, I ate 700-800 calories, and I lost weight. I was still real young so it was easy. I got down to a size 12 and all was good again.
I started back getting a lot of male attention. It seemed like everywhere I went, I got attention. All of the attention made me so uncomfortable. Men stopping me, men trying to get me to pull over, parents trying to talk to me.
Looking back, I would be willing to bet my paycheck that I sabatoged my weight loss on purpose. I would be willing to bet that I was scared, didn't know how to handle the attention, and reverted back to what was comfortable to me. Food!
Well, I only stayed in Newnan a little over a year. I got my own apartment in Union City, which is about 15 minutes from downtown, Atl. I finished my master's, I quit Macy's, but I kept waiting tables on the weekend and I was still teaching.
I stopped seeing Dr. Bass because "I WAS FIXED" I was a size 12. I got a job teaching in South Fulton County, and I started a leadership program. I was back in school........
Well, I am willing to bet that you all know what happened next.
I did go through a lil depression though. I was away from the guy that I thought was my "soul mate" who I will call WT. I started grad school, and I got two part time jobs, O'Charley's and Macy's. If I wasn't in school, I was at my real job, or a part time job. I rarely slept, and I ate any and everything I could fine. I waited tables on the weekends, and I worked at Macy's from 5-9PM, and I took two to three classes a sememster. All I did was eat, work, and sleep. I worked seven days a week. Naturally, I gained A TON of weight. I was wearing a size 22. I was having trouble taking deep breaths so I went to the doctor. He said that it was all of the extra weight weighing on my lungs, and I needed to lose weight. So, I did. I went to Dr. Bass, who hooked me up. He gave me pills, and shots, told me to eat 1000 calories or less and to exercise. I followed his directions, actually, I became a little obsessed with his directions. I exercised twice a day. I did taebo, I ran, I ate 700-800 calories, and I lost weight. I was still real young so it was easy. I got down to a size 12 and all was good again.
I started back getting a lot of male attention. It seemed like everywhere I went, I got attention. All of the attention made me so uncomfortable. Men stopping me, men trying to get me to pull over, parents trying to talk to me.
Looking back, I would be willing to bet my paycheck that I sabatoged my weight loss on purpose. I would be willing to bet that I was scared, didn't know how to handle the attention, and reverted back to what was comfortable to me. Food!
Well, I only stayed in Newnan a little over a year. I got my own apartment in Union City, which is about 15 minutes from downtown, Atl. I finished my master's, I quit Macy's, but I kept waiting tables on the weekend and I was still teaching.
I stopped seeing Dr. Bass because "I WAS FIXED" I was a size 12. I got a job teaching in South Fulton County, and I started a leadership program. I was back in school........
Well, I am willing to bet that you all know what happened next.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Off Topic, but I had to share!
As of today, I have lost 151 pounds!!!! OMG! I can wear a size 10 out of The Limited, Express, New York and Company, the Loft. I should be happy about this right? I should love buying clothes right? Well I don't. I have to try on everything and nothing fits right. But, I am glad that I have lost 151 pounds and I am happy that I don't take insulin or high blood pressure meds anymore.
I plan on blogging tomorrow. But, I did want to share this news. Size 6 here I come.
I plan on blogging tomorrow. But, I did want to share this news. Size 6 here I come.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Well, during college, I really started hiding my eating. I had a job so I had money and I had a car. I feel in love with Real Coke, and would chug 2-liters a day, I feel in love with snickers, and I would eat 3 to 4 of them a day. I also feel in love with chips, Krystals, McDonalds, and the Huddle House. My roommate was a manager at KFC, so I feel in love with KFC. I was a waitress at Shoney's and Ryan's so I feel in love with their food too. I also feel in love with candy, jolly ranchers, skittles, etc. I just kept picking up bad habit after bad habit.
Well, I pledged Alpha Kappa Alpha while in college. We were getting ready for a step show and it was time to get our outfits. I was working at Goody's part-time (I have worked some of everywhere) and they had these cute green suits. Everybody agreed on the suit.............. only one issue! Everybody was a size 2, a size 4, a size 6, but me...... I was a size 16. The suit wouldn't fit me, so I had to have my suit made. I was so hurt, so humilated, so embarrassed. My sorors didn't make a big deal out of it, and acted as if it was all okay. But, to me it wasn't. It was just another knock to my already low self-esteem.
Yes, I just mentioned low self-esteem...... if I would've wrote this back in 1996, I would have never said that I had low-self esteem. I mean, I grew up being told I was pretty every day of my life. People would stop me on the street and tell me I was pretty, I was beautiful, I had pretty skin, a pretty smile, etc. So there was no way I had low-self esteem. Well, I did.......... I had bottom of the ocean self-esteem, and the more weight I gained, or the more disappointment I had, the lower my already extra low self-esteem became. I will speak more about my self-esteem issues later. Back to the subject.
Well, I picked up my home-made green suit, and it fit, but...... it didn't fit like everybody elses did. The pants were "in the water" but, I didn't have a choice, I had to wear it......... In my mind, it was my fault because I was fat and it was my fault that I couldn't control my weight.
I made it through the step-show, and I have the video to prove it.......
Well, I pledged Alpha Kappa Alpha while in college. We were getting ready for a step show and it was time to get our outfits. I was working at Goody's part-time (I have worked some of everywhere) and they had these cute green suits. Everybody agreed on the suit.............. only one issue! Everybody was a size 2, a size 4, a size 6, but me...... I was a size 16. The suit wouldn't fit me, so I had to have my suit made. I was so hurt, so humilated, so embarrassed. My sorors didn't make a big deal out of it, and acted as if it was all okay. But, to me it wasn't. It was just another knock to my already low self-esteem.
Yes, I just mentioned low self-esteem...... if I would've wrote this back in 1996, I would have never said that I had low-self esteem. I mean, I grew up being told I was pretty every day of my life. People would stop me on the street and tell me I was pretty, I was beautiful, I had pretty skin, a pretty smile, etc. So there was no way I had low-self esteem. Well, I did.......... I had bottom of the ocean self-esteem, and the more weight I gained, or the more disappointment I had, the lower my already extra low self-esteem became. I will speak more about my self-esteem issues later. Back to the subject.
Well, I picked up my home-made green suit, and it fit, but...... it didn't fit like everybody elses did. The pants were "in the water" but, I didn't have a choice, I had to wear it......... In my mind, it was my fault because I was fat and it was my fault that I couldn't control my weight.
I made it through the step-show, and I have the video to prove it.......
Monday, January 31, 2011
The college struggle
Homecoming 1995 Fort Valley State
I must admit, I feel in love with the valley. I had some really great times there. Don't get me wrong, I had a few bad times, but nothing as dramatic and devastating as Savannah State. But, all in all times were good. I still struggled with my weight, and I would go to Dr. Stein (the fat doctor) and get my best friends when I creeped up too high, until I couldn't get my best friends anymore.
Well, where there is a while there is a way, even though I had to stop seeing Dr. Stein, a new fat doctor came on the scene, Dr. Bass. He was similiar to Dr. Stein, but he gave out meds at his office, so I didn't have to worry about going to get anything filled.
This new pill, Adipex, was okay, but in my mind it wasn't as strong as the phen-phen, however; it did it's job none the less.
I would go all day, not eat, then maybe eat a bite of something at night. I worked full time while I was in college. I waited tables........ working in a restaurant became a motivation for me in a sick sort of way. I would work, and dare myself to eat. I would go to work, serve plates of food, and not touch any. It gave me power to be able to deny myself. The only thing was, I would deny myself for as long as I could, then I would eat everything in site.
I remember my college boyfriend, A.E saying that I had a problem because all I worried about was my weight. Looking back, A.E was correct, I did have a problem. Heck I still do...........
Saturday, January 29, 2011
My best friend Phen-Phen
Well, before I went back to school, I really wanted to drop the extra weight I had put on. When I came home from Savannah State I was weighing around 221lbs. My mom had a few friends who had lost weight by going to this doctor. The doctor who I call "the fat doctor" was supposed to help people lose weight. My mom made my appointment and gave me the money to see the doctor. I was a nervous and excited at the same time. The doctor gave me a lecture about my size, explained to me that I should not eat over 1000 calories, told me to exercise everyday, gave me a calorie counter, a food journal, a b-12 shot, and a prescription for these pills...........phen-phen. He told me that I should lose at least 10% of my weight over the next month.
Well, those of you who know me, know that I can go above and beyond. There is no in-between with me, there is no middle ground, it's all or nothing. So, instead of eating 1000 calories a day, I ate 600-800 at the most and I worked out almost every free minute I could. Those pills were like magic, I wasn't hungry and I had so much energy. Well, it wasn't energy, those pills made me jittery. I couldn't be still, I couldn't sleep....... but I didn't care, I was losing weight.
The first month, I lost 30lbs. WOW! I entered Fort Valley weighing under 200 lbs and wearing a size 12/14.
Things were good right???? Of course, I had my phen-phen!!
I had dealt with the sexual assault, (yeah right)............ I had lost the weight (yeah right)........... I was healed (yeah right).....
Those phen-phen pills had become my best friends. I got 30 of those pills a month!!!! I had 30 best friends. If I gained a lil, I just opened my drawer, and pulled out my best buddy phen! Phen kept me in check. Phen also kept me up at night, phen made me irritable, phen made me constipated......
Apparently, those pills weren't safe..... people were dying from them, having heart attacks, etc. I went back to the fat doctor to see pick up my prescription to get my best friends. I got the prescription, went to the drug store, and they wouldn't fill the prescription....... I remember it like it was yesterday...... The guy called me up and told me that he couldn't fill it because it wasn't safe and they no longer carried my drug!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG..... What am I going to do????????
Well, those of you who know me, know that I can go above and beyond. There is no in-between with me, there is no middle ground, it's all or nothing. So, instead of eating 1000 calories a day, I ate 600-800 at the most and I worked out almost every free minute I could. Those pills were like magic, I wasn't hungry and I had so much energy. Well, it wasn't energy, those pills made me jittery. I couldn't be still, I couldn't sleep....... but I didn't care, I was losing weight.
The first month, I lost 30lbs. WOW! I entered Fort Valley weighing under 200 lbs and wearing a size 12/14.
Things were good right???? Of course, I had my phen-phen!!
I had dealt with the sexual assault, (yeah right)............ I had lost the weight (yeah right)........... I was healed (yeah right).....
Those phen-phen pills had become my best friends. I got 30 of those pills a month!!!! I had 30 best friends. If I gained a lil, I just opened my drawer, and pulled out my best buddy phen! Phen kept me in check. Phen also kept me up at night, phen made me irritable, phen made me constipated......
Apparently, those pills weren't safe..... people were dying from them, having heart attacks, etc. I went back to the fat doctor to see pick up my prescription to get my best friends. I got the prescription, went to the drug store, and they wouldn't fill the prescription....... I remember it like it was yesterday...... The guy called me up and told me that he couldn't fill it because it wasn't safe and they no longer carried my drug!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG..... What am I going to do????????
Monday, January 24, 2011
Just keep it moving.........
Well, the "was it my fault" blog really took a lot out of me emotionally. I cried dry tears as I typed the words. Water wouldn't come from my eyes so I wept dry tears. After all this time, talking about that dreadful day sends chills down my spin.
After I came home from Savannah State, I never discussed the event. I told my parents and that was it. I pushed that horrible day as far away from my mind as I could and I did what I always do........... I kept moving. Pushing this away was easy except for......... when I smelled Gin, that is what his breath smelled like. I haven't had a sip of Gin since that night. In the beginning the smell of gin made me throw up (seriously). Then the smell of his colonge made me gag, made me sick to my stomach. If I walked by a guy and they smelled like him, I would get sick, if I was in the department store and I walked by the fragrance counter, I would get sick. It took me over a year to get up enough courage to find out what the name of the colonge that he had on was.
My brain and my senses didn't work well together on this incident. As bad as I wanted to forget this, my sense of smell just wouldn't let me. But, I was strong and I pushed through. I didn't tell anybody, I didn't talk about it. Heck, I even started volunteering at a rape clinic while I was in Fort Valley. I figured I would help those poor women. Who was I fooling, looking back, I was the one who needed help. I would be on call certain days. If my pager went off (yes I said pager), I would report to the Peach County Hospital and meet the rape victim. I was her support........... I was her educator.......... I was her resource. I was a HYPOCRITE!!!! I never once opened my mouth and said, I have been through this, I never once offered my personal expeirences. I kept it all to myself. Heck, I can remember even feeling sorry for some of the women. I can remember one woman who was on drugs, and she was raped by several different men. She was beat up pretty badly, and hurt. I remember having thoughts that I am too embarrassed to share here.
Fort Valley has a lot of poverty, and it is a low economic area, so there are a lot of less educated people in the area. That is where I came in. I had been trained to help, to explain things. In a sick way, I really thought I was better than those other women. You see, in my mind I was better because I was stronger. Here they were in the hospital, getting checked out, crying, shaking, etc. I didn't do all of that. I was strong. I was brave. I handled it on my own. I didn't need all of that because I was Nicole. Well, Nicole didn't handle it. She burried it. She ran from it.... Actually, she became self destructive and ate throught it............
After I came home from Savannah State, I never discussed the event. I told my parents and that was it. I pushed that horrible day as far away from my mind as I could and I did what I always do........... I kept moving. Pushing this away was easy except for......... when I smelled Gin, that is what his breath smelled like. I haven't had a sip of Gin since that night. In the beginning the smell of gin made me throw up (seriously). Then the smell of his colonge made me gag, made me sick to my stomach. If I walked by a guy and they smelled like him, I would get sick, if I was in the department store and I walked by the fragrance counter, I would get sick. It took me over a year to get up enough courage to find out what the name of the colonge that he had on was.
My brain and my senses didn't work well together on this incident. As bad as I wanted to forget this, my sense of smell just wouldn't let me. But, I was strong and I pushed through. I didn't tell anybody, I didn't talk about it. Heck, I even started volunteering at a rape clinic while I was in Fort Valley. I figured I would help those poor women. Who was I fooling, looking back, I was the one who needed help. I would be on call certain days. If my pager went off (yes I said pager), I would report to the Peach County Hospital and meet the rape victim. I was her support........... I was her educator.......... I was her resource. I was a HYPOCRITE!!!! I never once opened my mouth and said, I have been through this, I never once offered my personal expeirences. I kept it all to myself. Heck, I can remember even feeling sorry for some of the women. I can remember one woman who was on drugs, and she was raped by several different men. She was beat up pretty badly, and hurt. I remember having thoughts that I am too embarrassed to share here.
Fort Valley has a lot of poverty, and it is a low economic area, so there are a lot of less educated people in the area. That is where I came in. I had been trained to help, to explain things. In a sick way, I really thought I was better than those other women. You see, in my mind I was better because I was stronger. Here they were in the hospital, getting checked out, crying, shaking, etc. I didn't do all of that. I was strong. I was brave. I handled it on my own. I didn't need all of that because I was Nicole. Well, Nicole didn't handle it. She burried it. She ran from it.... Actually, she became self destructive and ate throught it............
Friday, January 21, 2011
New to this and still learning
Well, I didn't realize I could add pictures......... to the blog. I want to make a slide show, but that will require me to really do some experimenting. So until then, I am going to post a few pictures from high school.
My freshman year
My 10th grade year
My Junior year
My senior picture
The last blog that I wrote really took a lot out of me emotionally. As I wrote the blog, I cried dry tears! I know I won't be able to blog tonight, because mentally and emotionally I am just too tired to do so.
Since you have read my childhood blog, I thought it would be nice to see what size I was in high school.
I bope to blog over the weekend.
Nicole
My freshman year
My senior picture
The last blog that I wrote really took a lot out of me emotionally. As I wrote the blog, I cried dry tears! I know I won't be able to blog tonight, because mentally and emotionally I am just too tired to do so.
Since you have read my childhood blog, I thought it would be nice to see what size I was in high school.
I bope to blog over the weekend.
Nicole
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Was it my fault?
Like I said, things at good ole' Savannah State were going great until............
We were sitting in the dorm lobby playing spades, and the dorm phone rang. It was for me, it was my roommate who was off campus with another friend of hers. She wanted me to come where they were, and the guy was going to come pick me up. So, I stopped playing spades, went and changed clothes and got into the car with T-Money (the name alone should have been a red flag). We got to a house where there were a few guys, my roommate, her friend, and another female. They started playing truth or dare, and naturally, I ended up playing as well. Alcohol was involved and you had a choice to either answer the question, or drink a shot. As the night went on, I don't know how many shots I took, but I wasn't a drinker so one shot was enough. We had been there for what seemed like forever and I was SOOOOO ready to go.... that's when the bomb was dropped on me............. Oh, we will take yall home in the morning, it was already past 1 or 2 am. Everybody, went into different rooms and I was left alone with T-Money. He started rubbing my face, I would move his hand, then he got real aggressive and was like......... stop playing you know you want this. I tried to scream, but the music in the house was so loud and he had his hand over my mouth as his body pinned my body down. I tried to fight him off, I tried to kick, but he was so much stronger than me, and I had been drinking so I wasn't my normal self either. After he entered me I still tried to scream, I begged for him to stop, but he wouldn't. Eventually, I just said......... "please just hurry up and finish." He said to me, what you know you are enjoying this............ his breath smelled like gin (and to this day, the smell of gin makes me want to throw up). When he finished he just left me lying on that bedroom floor. We didn't have cell phones then, and I had nobody to call. So many things went through my mind. Well, that morning, some other guy took us back to the dorm. I didn't talk the entire ride and when we got back to the dorm, I took a long hot shower. I showered, and showered, and showered, I scrubbed my body until I was almost raw on the outside. However; no matter how hard I scrubbed, I couldn't get his smell off me.
No, I didn't call the police, nor did I tell anybody. Who would I tell? Would they believe me? I mean it was my fault............. I was the one who was off campus at this strange guys house, drinking. Would I get in trouble? I was only 18 years old, I was under age. I was so disappointed in myself.
Now, the really crazy thing................... We were sitting in our dorm room and my roommates friend came in, she was like yall.......... my guy friend said that he believes T-Money rapped a girl that night cause he could here a girl screaming, but... blah blah blah. I put blah blah blah......... because that is what she sounded like to me. I just sat there, numb. I knew she was talking about me and yet I sat and didn't say anything. What would people think of me? I felt so nasty. Why? Why? Well needless to say, I became very introverted. I went to class, the library, and my dorm room. I called my parents crying weekly and begged them to come get me. My dad did, he came almost every weekend. Finally, I broke down, and told them what happened. My dad was in rage and wanted to kill the guy, but it's almost impossible to find someone named T-Money. I ended up leaving Savannah State and transferring to Fort Valley State. That was how I dealt with the situation, I left it, moved on, pushed it to the side............ well, no not really. I buried it with all of the other hurts and pain that I had felt.
Side note...... People often talk badly about women who don't tell. I have heard such nasty things about women who were sexually assaoulted and decided to stay silent. We stay silent because we are scared, we are nervous, we are embarassed, we are humilated, we are damaged, we are hurt........... I didn't won't people looking at me like I was nasty trash. That is how I felt. I felt like nasty trash and I blamed myself for his actions. I blamed myself in so many ways. If I hadn't been drinking, if I hadn't played truth or dare, if I had stayed in the dorm, if I would have screamed louder.............. for years I blamed Nicole Anderson Keith for T-Money's actions. I can't change the past, but I pray to God for wisdom and strength to help change the future for other people. I want to tell other people my story. If my story, if my rape experience will help keep another young girl from going through this horrible event, my pain won't be in vain.
We were sitting in the dorm lobby playing spades, and the dorm phone rang. It was for me, it was my roommate who was off campus with another friend of hers. She wanted me to come where they were, and the guy was going to come pick me up. So, I stopped playing spades, went and changed clothes and got into the car with T-Money (the name alone should have been a red flag). We got to a house where there were a few guys, my roommate, her friend, and another female. They started playing truth or dare, and naturally, I ended up playing as well. Alcohol was involved and you had a choice to either answer the question, or drink a shot. As the night went on, I don't know how many shots I took, but I wasn't a drinker so one shot was enough. We had been there for what seemed like forever and I was SOOOOO ready to go.... that's when the bomb was dropped on me............. Oh, we will take yall home in the morning, it was already past 1 or 2 am. Everybody, went into different rooms and I was left alone with T-Money. He started rubbing my face, I would move his hand, then he got real aggressive and was like......... stop playing you know you want this. I tried to scream, but the music in the house was so loud and he had his hand over my mouth as his body pinned my body down. I tried to fight him off, I tried to kick, but he was so much stronger than me, and I had been drinking so I wasn't my normal self either. After he entered me I still tried to scream, I begged for him to stop, but he wouldn't. Eventually, I just said......... "please just hurry up and finish." He said to me, what you know you are enjoying this............ his breath smelled like gin (and to this day, the smell of gin makes me want to throw up). When he finished he just left me lying on that bedroom floor. We didn't have cell phones then, and I had nobody to call. So many things went through my mind. Well, that morning, some other guy took us back to the dorm. I didn't talk the entire ride and when we got back to the dorm, I took a long hot shower. I showered, and showered, and showered, I scrubbed my body until I was almost raw on the outside. However; no matter how hard I scrubbed, I couldn't get his smell off me.
No, I didn't call the police, nor did I tell anybody. Who would I tell? Would they believe me? I mean it was my fault............. I was the one who was off campus at this strange guys house, drinking. Would I get in trouble? I was only 18 years old, I was under age. I was so disappointed in myself.
Now, the really crazy thing................... We were sitting in our dorm room and my roommates friend came in, she was like yall.......... my guy friend said that he believes T-Money rapped a girl that night cause he could here a girl screaming, but... blah blah blah. I put blah blah blah......... because that is what she sounded like to me. I just sat there, numb. I knew she was talking about me and yet I sat and didn't say anything. What would people think of me? I felt so nasty. Why? Why? Well needless to say, I became very introverted. I went to class, the library, and my dorm room. I called my parents crying weekly and begged them to come get me. My dad did, he came almost every weekend. Finally, I broke down, and told them what happened. My dad was in rage and wanted to kill the guy, but it's almost impossible to find someone named T-Money. I ended up leaving Savannah State and transferring to Fort Valley State. That was how I dealt with the situation, I left it, moved on, pushed it to the side............ well, no not really. I buried it with all of the other hurts and pain that I had felt.
Side note...... People often talk badly about women who don't tell. I have heard such nasty things about women who were sexually assaoulted and decided to stay silent. We stay silent because we are scared, we are nervous, we are embarassed, we are humilated, we are damaged, we are hurt........... I didn't won't people looking at me like I was nasty trash. That is how I felt. I felt like nasty trash and I blamed myself for his actions. I blamed myself in so many ways. If I hadn't been drinking, if I hadn't played truth or dare, if I had stayed in the dorm, if I would have screamed louder.............. for years I blamed Nicole Anderson Keith for T-Money's actions. I can't change the past, but I pray to God for wisdom and strength to help change the future for other people. I want to tell other people my story. If my story, if my rape experience will help keep another young girl from going through this horrible event, my pain won't be in vain.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Leaving the nest.....................
Did I want to go to college??????? Yes and No. I actually wanted to go to design school, but my dad said, NO Ma'am, you are going to college. Well actually he said, "not on my dime." So, I found myself applying to colleges very late. I decided that if I had to go to college I was going to go to a HBCU. I really wanted to go to Fort Valley State (and I did but after I tried out Savannah State First) but my brother was there so I opted for Savannah State instead (Real Bad Choice).
I spent the summer, getting ready. Dieting and working out.......... I couldn't go to college FAT! Got to Savannah State and my parents helped me unpack and set up my room. I was so anxious for them to leave so I could be GROWN! But, as soon as they left, I wanted to run after their car. No mom, no dad............ what was I to do??????????? Trust me, it didn't take long for me to figure out what to do......
Within the first few weeks, I had made a good friend who was a local, she lived off campus and had a car! Ching................. She was a little plump and liked to eat just like me, Cha Ching!!!! I had met a guy who became my boyfriend, he fed me too........ Then, there was the snack bar, and the dining hall. Kroger and Burger King were within walking distance, and I had made several buddies who liked to walk with me to both places.
Things at Savannah State were going pretty well. My grades were good, my roommate (who is still one of my dearest friends) and I got alone great, I had a boyfriend, and I had made a lot of new friends. Not to mention, two of my good friends from home came to Savannah State as well. Things were on the up and up until......................................................................
I spent the summer, getting ready. Dieting and working out.......... I couldn't go to college FAT! Got to Savannah State and my parents helped me unpack and set up my room. I was so anxious for them to leave so I could be GROWN! But, as soon as they left, I wanted to run after their car. No mom, no dad............ what was I to do??????????? Trust me, it didn't take long for me to figure out what to do......
Within the first few weeks, I had made a good friend who was a local, she lived off campus and had a car! Ching................. She was a little plump and liked to eat just like me, Cha Ching!!!! I had met a guy who became my boyfriend, he fed me too........ Then, there was the snack bar, and the dining hall. Kroger and Burger King were within walking distance, and I had made several buddies who liked to walk with me to both places.
Things at Savannah State were going pretty well. My grades were good, my roommate (who is still one of my dearest friends) and I got alone great, I had a boyfriend, and I had made a lot of new friends. Not to mention, two of my good friends from home came to Savannah State as well. Things were on the up and up until......................................................................
Sunday, January 16, 2011
My last year of high school let the crash dieting begin.........
I stopped playing basketball in the 11th grade, I quit the color guard in the 11th grade, I gave up track too. As a senior all that was on my mind was graduating and leaving Newnan, GA. I did the work/study program so I got out of school early everyday. Of course, as soon as I got out, I went and ate out. I had a job, a car, what else could have been better.
Well, not participating in my activities and eating the way that I was started to show. I gained weight and it puzzled my mom so badly. Well, it was prom time and I had to get a dress. We went to Shannon Mall, Rich's and I tried on the perfect dress......... size 8 WAY TOO SMALL, size 10 TOO SMALL, size 12 REAL TIGHT. I refused to even look at the 14. I really wanted the blue dress, so I promised my mom I would lose the 10lbs needed so that the dress would fit correctly. This was the start of my very first CRASH DIET!
I didn't know how to diet, all I knew was, eat less, exercise, and you would lose weight. This is true, but I didn't understand that you had to eat something, I didn't understand really any aspect of what it meant to really eat less............ So, I would go all day and just eat a yogurt and popcorn. I will never forget, this...................
I had been on this diet for about two weeks and I guess I was losing weight. Lord knows I should've been because I sure as heck wasn't eating. Well, my best friend from middle school and I use to go to Taco Bell about once a week when we got out at half day. I went with her to taco bell, but I didn't order, I just sat there and ate an apple. I was so proud, and all I ate all day was that apple. My friend was over my house and my mom was asking about my diet. I proudly told my mom that all I had eaten that day was an apple and she was so proud of me. I actually went 3 days straight on just an apple and milk. I was working out too. I am surprised I didn't pass out!
Well, yes, I lost the weight and I got in the dress. The dress ended up being a little loose and was almost too big. Now, did I gain back the weight I loss. Heck YEAH!!! As soon as I put that dress on, I ate everything I could put my hands on.
Now, this was the first of many crash diets. Looking back, this is where the pattern began. Lose 10-15lbs through straight deprivation, deprive myself of any and everything until I break................. then eat everything in sight and gain it all back plus more.
Naturally, I had to crash diet over the summer. I couldn't start college off fat. So, I crashed over the summer and lost about 15-20lbs..........................
Then, I left for college and the real roller coaster dieting began.
Well, not participating in my activities and eating the way that I was started to show. I gained weight and it puzzled my mom so badly. Well, it was prom time and I had to get a dress. We went to Shannon Mall, Rich's and I tried on the perfect dress......... size 8 WAY TOO SMALL, size 10 TOO SMALL, size 12 REAL TIGHT. I refused to even look at the 14. I really wanted the blue dress, so I promised my mom I would lose the 10lbs needed so that the dress would fit correctly. This was the start of my very first CRASH DIET!
I didn't know how to diet, all I knew was, eat less, exercise, and you would lose weight. This is true, but I didn't understand that you had to eat something, I didn't understand really any aspect of what it meant to really eat less............ So, I would go all day and just eat a yogurt and popcorn. I will never forget, this...................
I had been on this diet for about two weeks and I guess I was losing weight. Lord knows I should've been because I sure as heck wasn't eating. Well, my best friend from middle school and I use to go to Taco Bell about once a week when we got out at half day. I went with her to taco bell, but I didn't order, I just sat there and ate an apple. I was so proud, and all I ate all day was that apple. My friend was over my house and my mom was asking about my diet. I proudly told my mom that all I had eaten that day was an apple and she was so proud of me. I actually went 3 days straight on just an apple and milk. I was working out too. I am surprised I didn't pass out!
Well, yes, I lost the weight and I got in the dress. The dress ended up being a little loose and was almost too big. Now, did I gain back the weight I loss. Heck YEAH!!! As soon as I put that dress on, I ate everything I could put my hands on.
Now, this was the first of many crash diets. Looking back, this is where the pattern began. Lose 10-15lbs through straight deprivation, deprive myself of any and everything until I break................. then eat everything in sight and gain it all back plus more.
Naturally, I had to crash diet over the summer. I couldn't start college off fat. So, I crashed over the summer and lost about 15-20lbs..........................
Then, I left for college and the real roller coaster dieting began.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Reverse Psychology
We have all heard of using reverse psychology to get people to do what we want. I am here to tell you that using reverse psychology in a negative manner to get someone to lose weight does not work at all. In fact, I believe it does the exact opposite. As I have mentioned, I have never been stick thin, but in middle and high school I was average size and you best believe, my parents worked harder than I did to keep me from being obese.
People who love us who don't have a weight problem really don't understand what it means to struggle with food, weight, etc. They think it is easy, push back from the table. Hell, if it were that easy nobody would have an issue. They often use reverse psychology out of love to try and motivate us. I am going to list a few of the reverse psychology or negative motivation that I received:
-Nicole, you are going to high school and nobody is going to want to be friends with the fat girl. You need to lose at least 10lbs this summer, because people aren't going to want to be your friend.
-Nicole, don't you want your clothes to look neat on you? If you get any bigger you are going to look sloppy and your clothes won't lay right.
-Nicole, your friend Suzie (fake name) is so thin, I bet she doesn't eat double, or she won't have a weight problem.
- Mrs. Blank (fake name) told me that her daughter doesn't won't to be big like her so all she ate for dinner was a bag of microwave popcorn, she won't have a weight issue.
Now, in my heart of hearts I know that the person who said these things to me was saying them out of love. They didn't suffer with a weight issue so they didn't know how to help. Would this person ever hurt me, NO. But did these things hurt me? Yes! And the crazy part about it is.......... These words hurt me and I didn't even realize that they hurt me. I didn't realize that just like so many other things, I pushed these statements deep down and buried them with food.
Nicole
People who love us who don't have a weight problem really don't understand what it means to struggle with food, weight, etc. They think it is easy, push back from the table. Hell, if it were that easy nobody would have an issue. They often use reverse psychology out of love to try and motivate us. I am going to list a few of the reverse psychology or negative motivation that I received:
-Nicole, you are going to high school and nobody is going to want to be friends with the fat girl. You need to lose at least 10lbs this summer, because people aren't going to want to be your friend.
-Nicole, don't you want your clothes to look neat on you? If you get any bigger you are going to look sloppy and your clothes won't lay right.
-Nicole, your friend Suzie (fake name) is so thin, I bet she doesn't eat double, or she won't have a weight problem.
- Mrs. Blank (fake name) told me that her daughter doesn't won't to be big like her so all she ate for dinner was a bag of microwave popcorn, she won't have a weight issue.
Now, in my heart of hearts I know that the person who said these things to me was saying them out of love. They didn't suffer with a weight issue so they didn't know how to help. Would this person ever hurt me, NO. But did these things hurt me? Yes! And the crazy part about it is.......... These words hurt me and I didn't even realize that they hurt me. I didn't realize that just like so many other things, I pushed these statements deep down and buried them with food.
Nicole
Monday, January 10, 2011
My very first diet
Well, I have pretty much been on a diet since I was in 4th grade. I remember we went on a diet as a family, my dad, brother and I, (my mom weighed around 110, so she never had a need to diet even though she always worried about her weight). It was the hotdog diet, I remember only eating what I was told I could. My mom got the diet from somebody and I remember it was centered around being able to eat hotdogs without the bun of course. I woke at the end of three days excited because I just knew all my extra fluffiness would be gone. Of course it wasn't, I clearly remember waking up, pulling back the covers and looking at my legs. I don't know what I expected to see, but whatever it was I didn't see it. That is how I found it, going on a diet wasn't a miracle and weight didn't just melt away. Well, that summer my mom and I went walking everyday and did exercises at home. I ate only what my mom feed me and all the extra baby fat I had on me just feel off. That was the first diet of thousands.
I never really understood how to diet. I just knew that if you didn't eat, if I starved myself, the weight would fall off. I used to wonder where it went because I couldn't see it actually fall off my body. LOL.
Once, I had a friend from out of town over to spend the night. My mom had to work, so we stayed home. My friend and I ate chicken nuggets until we were literally sick. My friend went to the restroom and put her finger down her throat because she said she was sick. I told my mother about it and I will never forget what she said.................... "Well, that is good, you will see that she will never have a weight problem because she is watching it now and doesn't want to get to big." Now, as an adult I realize that my mom wasn't telling me to go put my finger down my throat, but as a 14 year old, that is what I heard."
Did I do this later in life, yes, I sure did. But that is about 7 years away.................. Which equals another 5 to 6 blogs away. LOL
I never really understood how to diet. I just knew that if you didn't eat, if I starved myself, the weight would fall off. I used to wonder where it went because I couldn't see it actually fall off my body. LOL.
Once, I had a friend from out of town over to spend the night. My mom had to work, so we stayed home. My friend and I ate chicken nuggets until we were literally sick. My friend went to the restroom and put her finger down her throat because she said she was sick. I told my mother about it and I will never forget what she said.................... "Well, that is good, you will see that she will never have a weight problem because she is watching it now and doesn't want to get to big." Now, as an adult I realize that my mom wasn't telling me to go put my finger down my throat, but as a 14 year old, that is what I heard."
Did I do this later in life, yes, I sure did. But that is about 7 years away.................. Which equals another 5 to 6 blogs away. LOL
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Any ole' excuse will do............
In a previous blog, I explained that my mom cooked breakfast daily. She also cooked lunch (on weekends, holidays, and summer breaks), and dinner. She never bought chips, cookies, etc. so getting junk food was a treat and boy was it hard. Eating out was a REAL treat and I remember, I would look for any excuse in the world to eat out and my mom would find a any reason for us to eat at home. LOL. As an adult I get it.......... we didn't have a lot of money so eating out just wasn't in the budget. As a kid I so craved salty, surgary, fat-filled food and I would go through any lengths to get it. I remember going up the street to Mrs. Bolton's house, (my old baby sitter who kept me from a baby until I went to school, God rest her soul...... she was such a wonderful lady). I would go up there and just eat and eat, and if they didn't have the junky snacks I wanted, she would get them for me, or she would take me to get FAST FOOD. Now, I never let my parents know this, that would have ruined everything. Once, I went to the bathroom and I heard her husband say, "I think Nicole just comes up here to eat." As a child I didn't understand the magnitude of his comment. I just thought, man, Mr. Bolton is on to my game. Now, I feel humilated and embarrassed by his statement. How embarrassing, I went to their home and acted as if my parents did feed me. I appeared to be a user who only wanted something from them. I guess in a way that was true, who am I fooling, that is all the way true. I just feel horrible about it.
During the summers we stayed in Dahlongea, GA. and my grandpa would give me $5.00 a day. Most days I put the $5.00 in my drawer, other days I would walk to the corner store and buy me my junk food treats. I would get funyan's, snickers, and a Nehi peach drink. Then I would go around the block to the fudge factory and load up there. On good days, my friends and I would race to the McDonald's and I would get my fast food lunch. McDonald's was only 2 miles away. Then we would walk back and I would act as if I hadn't eaten anything and I would eat whatever my mom had cooked.
Now, when I started driving........ three things happened. 1) I got a job 2) I was able to feed my food addiction without anyone knowing 3) I really started gaining weight.
Now, getting a job........ I started working at Hardee's and I ate from the minute I got to work until the minute I left. I ate fry after fry after fry, and I had unlimited amount of fountain soda. Then, I would come home and swear Hardee's food was nasty. Ha! That was such a lie. We sold chicken, biscuits ice cream, and milk shakes. I would put ice cream on top of the biscuits, add ice cream and fresh strawberries.
Being able to feed my habit was so much easier and since I had a job I had my own money and nobody would ever know. I would skip school at lunch, leave, go get my drug, eat in the car and come back to school before anyone ever knew. Looking back it is sort of funny. I would sprint to the car, drive to a drive-thru, eat super fast, then sprint back to class before anyone ever knew.
Lastly, I really started gaining weight. I probably gained 20lbs when I turned 16 and got the keys to my own car.
This is where the crazy dieting began...................
During the summers we stayed in Dahlongea, GA. and my grandpa would give me $5.00 a day. Most days I put the $5.00 in my drawer, other days I would walk to the corner store and buy me my junk food treats. I would get funyan's, snickers, and a Nehi peach drink. Then I would go around the block to the fudge factory and load up there. On good days, my friends and I would race to the McDonald's and I would get my fast food lunch. McDonald's was only 2 miles away. Then we would walk back and I would act as if I hadn't eaten anything and I would eat whatever my mom had cooked.
Now, when I started driving........ three things happened. 1) I got a job 2) I was able to feed my food addiction without anyone knowing 3) I really started gaining weight.
Now, getting a job........ I started working at Hardee's and I ate from the minute I got to work until the minute I left. I ate fry after fry after fry, and I had unlimited amount of fountain soda. Then, I would come home and swear Hardee's food was nasty. Ha! That was such a lie. We sold chicken, biscuits ice cream, and milk shakes. I would put ice cream on top of the biscuits, add ice cream and fresh strawberries.
Being able to feed my habit was so much easier and since I had a job I had my own money and nobody would ever know. I would skip school at lunch, leave, go get my drug, eat in the car and come back to school before anyone ever knew. Looking back it is sort of funny. I would sprint to the car, drive to a drive-thru, eat super fast, then sprint back to class before anyone ever knew.
Lastly, I really started gaining weight. I probably gained 20lbs when I turned 16 and got the keys to my own car.
This is where the crazy dieting began...................
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