The college struggle

Homecoming 1995 Fort Valley State

I must admit, I feel in love with the valley. I had some really great times there. Don't get me wrong, I had a few bad times, but nothing as dramatic and devastating as Savannah State. But, all in all times were good. I still struggled with my weight, and I would go to Dr. Stein (the fat doctor) and get my best friends when I creeped up too high, until I couldn't get my best friends anymore.

Well, where there is a while there is a way, even though I had to stop seeing Dr. Stein, a new fat doctor came on the scene, Dr. Bass. He was similiar to Dr. Stein, but he gave out meds at his office, so I didn't have to worry about going to get anything filled.

This new pill, Adipex, was okay, but in my mind it wasn't as strong as the phen-phen, however; it did it's job none the less.

I would go all day, not eat, then maybe eat a bite of something at night. I worked full time while I was in college. I waited tables........ working in a restaurant became a motivation for me in a sick sort of way. I would work, and dare myself to eat. I would go to work, serve plates of food, and not touch any. It gave me power to be able to deny myself. The only thing was, I would deny myself for as long as I could, then I would eat everything in site.

I remember my college boyfriend, A.E saying that I had a problem because all I worried about was my weight. Looking back, A.E was correct, I did have a problem. Heck I still do...........

My best friend Phen-Phen

Well, before I went back to school, I really wanted to drop the extra weight I had put on. When I came home from Savannah State I was weighing around 221lbs. My mom had a few friends who had lost weight by going to this doctor. The doctor who I call "the fat doctor" was supposed to help people lose weight. My mom made my appointment and gave me the money to see the doctor. I was a nervous and excited at the same time. The doctor gave me a lecture about my size, explained to me that I should not eat over 1000 calories, told me to exercise everyday, gave me a calorie counter, a food journal, a b-12 shot, and a prescription for these pills...........phen-phen. He told me that I should lose at least 10% of my weight over the next month.

Well, those of you who know me, know that I can go above and beyond. There is no in-between with me, there is no middle ground, it's all or nothing. So, instead of eating 1000 calories a day, I ate 600-800 at the most and I worked out almost every free minute I could. Those pills were like magic, I wasn't hungry and I had so much energy. Well, it wasn't energy, those pills made me jittery. I couldn't be still, I couldn't sleep....... but I didn't care, I was losing weight.

The first month, I lost 30lbs. WOW! I entered Fort Valley weighing under 200 lbs and wearing a size 12/14.

Things were good right???? Of course, I had my phen-phen!!

I had dealt with the sexual assault, (yeah right)............ I had lost the weight (yeah right)........... I was healed (yeah right).....

Those phen-phen pills had become my best friends. I got 30 of those pills a month!!!! I had 30 best friends. If I gained a lil, I just opened my drawer, and pulled out my best buddy phen! Phen kept me in check. Phen also kept me up at night, phen made me irritable, phen made me constipated......

Apparently, those pills weren't safe..... people were dying from them, having heart attacks, etc. I went back to the fat doctor to see pick up my prescription to get my best friends. I got the prescription, went to the drug store, and they wouldn't fill the prescription....... I remember it like it was yesterday...... The guy called me up and told me that he couldn't fill it because it wasn't safe and they no longer carried my drug!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG..... What am I going to do????????

Just keep it moving.........

Well, the "was it my fault" blog really took a lot out of me emotionally. I cried dry tears as I typed the words. Water wouldn't come from my eyes so I wept dry tears. After all this time, talking about that dreadful day sends chills down my spin.

After I came home from Savannah State, I never discussed the event. I told my parents and that was it. I pushed that horrible day as far away from my mind as I could and I did what I always do........... I kept moving. Pushing this away was easy except for......... when I smelled Gin, that is what his breath smelled like. I haven't had a sip of Gin since that night. In the beginning the smell of gin made me throw up (seriously). Then the smell of his colonge made me gag, made me sick to my stomach. If I walked by a guy and they smelled like him, I would get sick, if I was in the department store and I walked by the fragrance counter, I would get sick. It took me over a year to get up enough courage to find out what the name of the colonge that he had on was.

My brain and my senses didn't work well together on this incident. As bad as I wanted to forget this, my sense of smell just wouldn't let me. But, I was strong and I pushed through. I didn't tell anybody, I didn't talk about it. Heck, I even started volunteering at a rape clinic while I was in Fort Valley. I figured I would help those poor women. Who was I fooling, looking back, I was the one who needed help. I would be on call certain days. If my pager went off (yes I said pager), I would report to the Peach County Hospital and meet the rape victim. I was her support........... I was her educator.......... I was her resource. I was a HYPOCRITE!!!! I never once opened my mouth and said, I have been through this, I never once offered my personal expeirences. I kept it all to myself. Heck, I can remember even feeling sorry for some of the women. I can remember one woman who was on drugs, and she was raped by several different men. She was beat up pretty badly, and hurt. I remember having thoughts that I am too embarrassed to share here.

Fort Valley has a lot of poverty, and it is a low economic area, so there are a lot of less educated people in the area. That is where I came in. I had been trained to help, to explain things. In a sick way, I really thought I was better than those other women. You see, in my mind I was better because I was stronger. Here they were in the hospital, getting checked out, crying, shaking, etc. I didn't do all of that. I was strong. I was brave. I handled it on my own. I didn't need all of that because I was Nicole. Well, Nicole didn't handle it. She burried it. She ran from it.... Actually, she became self destructive and ate throught it............

New to this and still learning

Well, I didn't realize I could add pictures......... to the blog. I want to make a slide show, but that will require me to really do some experimenting. So until then, I am going to post a few pictures from high school.

My freshman year

My 10th grade year

My Junior year

My senior picture

The last blog that I wrote really took a lot out of me emotionally. As I wrote the blog, I cried dry tears! I know I won't be able to blog tonight, because mentally and emotionally I am just too tired to do so.

Since you have read my childhood blog, I thought it would be nice to see what size I was in high school.

I bope to blog over the weekend.

Nicole

Was it my fault?

Like I said, things at good ole' Savannah State were going great until............

We were sitting in the dorm lobby playing spades, and the dorm phone rang.  It was for me, it was my roommate who was off campus with another friend of hers.  She wanted me to come where they were, and the guy was going to come pick me up.  So, I stopped playing spades, went and changed clothes and got into the car with T-Money (the name alone should have been a red flag).  We got to a house where there were a few guys, my roommate, her friend, and another female.  They started playing truth or dare, and naturally, I ended up playing as well.  Alcohol was involved and you had a choice to either answer the question, or drink a shot.  As the night went on, I don't know how many shots I took, but I wasn't a drinker so one shot was enough.  We had been there for what seemed like forever and I was SOOOOO ready to go.... that's when the bomb was dropped on me............. Oh, we will take yall home in the morning, it was already past 1 or 2 am.  Everybody, went into different rooms and I was left alone with T-Money.  He started rubbing my face, I would move his hand, then he got real aggressive and was like......... stop playing you know you want this.  I tried to scream, but the music in the house was so loud and he had his hand over my mouth as his body pinned my body down.  I tried to fight him off, I tried to kick, but he was so much stronger than me, and I had been drinking so I wasn't my normal self either.  After he entered me I still tried to scream, I begged for him to stop, but he wouldn't.  Eventually, I just said......... "please just hurry up and finish."  He said to me, what you know you are enjoying this............ his breath smelled like gin (and to this day, the smell of gin makes me want to throw up).  When he finished he just left me lying on that bedroom floor.  We didn't have cell phones then, and I had nobody to call.  So many things went through my mind.  Well, that morning, some other guy took us back to the dorm. I didn't talk the entire ride and when we got back to the dorm, I took a long hot shower.  I showered, and showered, and showered, I scrubbed my body until I was almost raw on the outside. However; no matter how hard I scrubbed, I couldn't get his smell off me. 

No, I didn't call the police, nor did I tell anybody.  Who would I tell? Would they believe me? I mean it was my fault............. I was the one who was off campus at this strange guys house, drinking. Would I get in trouble? I was only 18 years old, I was under age.  I was so disappointed in myself. 

Now, the really crazy thing................... We were sitting in our dorm room and my roommates friend came in, she was like yall.......... my guy friend said that he believes T-Money rapped a girl that night cause he could here a girl screaming, but... blah blah blah. I put blah blah blah......... because that is what she sounded like to me.  I just sat there, numb. I knew she was talking about me and yet I sat and didn't say anything. What would people think of me? I felt so nasty. Why? Why? Well needless to say, I became very introverted. I went to class, the library, and my dorm room.  I called my parents crying weekly and begged them to come get me.  My dad did, he came almost every weekend.  Finally, I broke down, and told them what happened.  My dad was in rage and wanted to kill the guy, but it's almost impossible to find someone named T-Money.  I ended up leaving Savannah State and transferring to Fort Valley State.  That was how I dealt with the situation, I left it, moved on, pushed it to the side............ well, no not really.  I buried it with all of the other hurts and pain that I had felt.

Side note...... People often talk badly about women who don't tell.  I have heard such nasty things about women who were sexually assaoulted and decided to stay silent.  We stay silent because we are scared, we are nervous, we are embarassed, we are humilated, we are damaged, we are hurt........... I didn't won't people looking at me like I was nasty trash.  That is how I felt. I felt like nasty trash and I blamed myself for his actions.  I blamed myself in so many ways.  If I hadn't been drinking, if I hadn't played truth or dare, if I had stayed in the dorm, if I would have screamed louder.............. for years I blamed Nicole Anderson Keith for T-Money's actions.  I can't change the past, but I pray to God for wisdom and strength to help change the future for other people.  I want to tell other people my story.  If my story, if my rape experience will help keep another young girl from going through this horrible event, my pain won't be in vain. 

Leaving the nest.....................

Did I want to go to college??????? Yes and No.  I actually wanted to go to design school, but my dad said, NO Ma'am, you are going to college.  Well actually he said, "not on my dime." So, I found myself applying to colleges very late.  I decided that if I had to go to college I was going to go to a HBCU.  I really wanted to go to Fort Valley State (and I did but after I tried out Savannah State First) but my brother was there so I opted for Savannah State instead (Real Bad Choice).

I spent the summer, getting ready. Dieting and working out.......... I couldn't go to college FAT! Got to Savannah State and my parents helped me unpack and set up my room. I was so anxious for them to leave so I could be GROWN! But, as soon as they left, I wanted to run after their car.  No mom, no dad............ what was I to do??????????? Trust me, it didn't take long for me to figure out what to do......

Within the first few weeks, I had made a good friend who was a local, she lived off campus and had a car! Ching................. She was a little plump and liked to eat just like me, Cha Ching!!!!  I had met a guy who became my boyfriend, he fed me too........ Then, there was the snack bar, and the dining hall.  Kroger and Burger King were within walking distance, and I had made several buddies who liked to walk with me to both places. 

Things at Savannah State were going pretty well. My grades were good, my roommate (who is still one of my dearest friends) and I got alone great, I had a boyfriend, and I had made a lot of new friends. Not to mention, two of my good friends from home came to Savannah State as well.  Things were on the up and up until......................................................................

My last year of high school let the crash dieting begin.........

I stopped playing basketball in the 11th grade, I quit the color guard in the 11th grade, I gave up track too.  As a senior all that was on my mind was graduating and leaving Newnan, GA.  I did the work/study program so I got out of school early everyday.  Of course, as soon as I got out, I went and ate out.  I had a job, a car, what else could have been better. 

Well, not participating in my activities and eating the way that I was started to show.  I gained weight and it puzzled my mom so badly.  Well, it was prom time and I had to get a dress.  We went to Shannon Mall, Rich's and I tried on the perfect dress......... size 8 WAY TOO SMALL, size 10 TOO SMALL, size 12 REAL TIGHT. I refused to even look at the 14.  I really wanted the blue dress, so I promised my mom I would lose the 10lbs needed so that the dress would fit correctly.  This was the start of my very first CRASH DIET!

I didn't know how to diet, all I knew was, eat less, exercise, and you would lose weight.  This is true, but I didn't understand that you had to eat something, I didn't understand really any aspect of what it meant to really eat less............ So, I would go all day and just eat a yogurt and popcorn.  I will never forget, this...................

I had been on this diet for about two weeks and I guess I was losing weight.  Lord knows I should've been because I sure as heck wasn't eating.  Well, my best friend from middle school and I use to go to Taco Bell about once a week when we got out at half day.  I went with her to taco bell, but I didn't order, I just sat there and ate an apple.  I was so proud, and all I ate all day was that apple.  My friend was over my house and my mom was asking about my diet.  I proudly told my mom that all I had eaten that day was an apple and she was so proud of me.  I actually went 3 days straight on just an apple and milk.  I was working out too.  I am surprised I didn't pass out!

Well, yes, I lost the weight and I got in the dress.  The dress ended up being a little loose and was almost too big.  Now, did I gain back the weight I loss.  Heck YEAH!!!  As soon as I put that dress on, I ate everything I could put my hands on. 

Now, this was the first of many crash diets.  Looking back, this is where the pattern began.  Lose 10-15lbs through straight deprivation, deprive myself of any and everything until I break................. then eat everything in sight and gain it all back plus more.

Naturally, I had to crash diet over the summer.  I couldn't start college off fat.  So, I crashed over the summer and lost about 15-20lbs..........................

Then, I left for college and the real roller coaster dieting began.

Reverse Psychology

We have all heard of using reverse psychology to get people to do what we want.  I am here to tell you that using reverse psychology in a negative manner to get someone to lose weight does not work at all.  In fact, I believe it does the exact opposite.  As I have mentioned, I have never been stick thin, but in middle and high school I was average size and you best believe, my parents worked harder than I did to keep me from being obese. 

People who love us who don't have a weight problem really don't understand what it means to struggle with food, weight, etc. They think it is easy, push back from the table.  Hell, if it were that easy nobody would have an issue.  They often use reverse psychology out of love to try and motivate us. I am going to list a few of the reverse psychology or negative motivation that I received:
-Nicole, you are going to high school and nobody is going to want to be friends with the fat girl.  You need to lose at least 10lbs this summer, because people aren't going to want to be your friend.
-Nicole, don't you want your clothes to look neat on you?  If you get any bigger you are going to look sloppy and your clothes won't lay right.
-Nicole, your friend Suzie (fake name) is so thin, I bet she doesn't eat double, or she won't have a weight problem.
- Mrs. Blank (fake name) told me that her daughter doesn't won't to be big like her so all she ate for dinner was a bag of microwave popcorn, she won't have a weight issue.

Now, in my heart of hearts I know that the person who said these things to me was saying them out of love.  They didn't suffer with a weight issue so they didn't know how to help.  Would this person ever hurt me, NO.  But did these things hurt me? Yes! And the crazy part about it is.......... These words hurt me and I didn't even realize that they hurt me.  I didn't realize that just like so many other things, I pushed these statements deep down and buried them with food. 

Nicole

My very first diet

Well, I have pretty much been on a diet since I was in 4th grade.  I remember we went on a diet as a family, my dad, brother and I, (my mom weighed around 110, so she never had a need to diet even though she always worried about her weight).  It was the hotdog diet, I remember only eating what I was told I could.  My mom got the diet from somebody and I remember it was centered around being able to eat hotdogs without the bun of course.  I woke at the end of three days excited because I just knew all my extra fluffiness would be gone. Of course it wasn't, I clearly remember waking up, pulling back the covers and looking at my legs.  I don't know what I expected to see, but whatever it was I didn't see it.   That is how I found it, going on a diet wasn't a miracle and weight didn't just melt away.  Well, that summer my mom and I went walking everyday and did exercises at home.  I ate only what my mom feed me and all the extra baby fat I had on me just feel off.  That was the first diet of thousands. 

I never really understood how to diet.  I just knew that if you didn't eat, if I starved myself, the weight would fall off.  I used to wonder where it went because I couldn't see it actually fall off my body. LOL. 

Once, I had a friend from out of town over to spend the night.  My mom had to work, so we stayed home.  My friend and I ate chicken nuggets until we were literally sick.  My friend went to the restroom and put her finger down her throat because she said she was sick.  I told my mother about it and I will never forget what she said.................... "Well, that is good, you will see that she will never have a weight problem because she is watching it now and doesn't want to get to big."  Now, as an adult I realize that my mom wasn't telling me to go put my finger down my throat, but as a 14 year old, that is what I heard." 

Did I do this later in life, yes, I sure did. But that is about 7 years away.................. Which equals another 5 to 6 blogs away. LOL

Any ole' excuse will do............

In a previous blog, I explained that my mom cooked breakfast daily.  She also cooked lunch (on weekends, holidays, and summer breaks), and dinner. She never bought chips, cookies, etc. so getting junk food was a treat and boy was it hard.  Eating out was a REAL treat and  I remember, I would look for any excuse in the world to eat out and my mom would find a any reason for us to eat at home. LOL.  As an adult I get it.......... we didn't have a lot of money so eating out just wasn't in the budget.  As a kid I so craved salty, surgary, fat-filled food and I would go through any lengths to get it.  I remember going up the street to Mrs. Bolton's house, (my old baby sitter who kept me from a baby until I went to school, God rest her soul...... she was such a wonderful lady).  I would go up there and just eat and eat, and if they didn't have the junky snacks I wanted, she would get them for me, or she would take me to get FAST FOOD.  Now, I never let my parents know this, that would have ruined everything.  Once, I went to the bathroom and I heard her husband say, "I think Nicole just comes up here to eat."  As a child I didn't understand the magnitude of his comment.  I just thought, man, Mr. Bolton is on to my game.  Now, I feel humilated and embarrassed by his statement.  How embarrassing, I went to their home and acted as if my parents did feed me.  I appeared to be a user who only wanted something from them.  I guess in a way that was true, who am I fooling, that is all the way true.  I just feel horrible about it. 

During the summers we stayed in Dahlongea, GA. and my grandpa would give me $5.00 a day.  Most days I put the $5.00 in my drawer, other days I would walk to the corner store and buy me my junk food treats.  I would get funyan's, snickers, and a Nehi peach drink.  Then I would go around the block to the fudge factory and load up there.  On good days, my friends and I would race to the McDonald's and I would get my fast food lunch.  McDonald's was only 2 miles away.  Then we would walk back and I would act as if I hadn't eaten anything and I would eat whatever my mom had cooked.


Now, when I started driving........ three things happened. 1) I got a job 2) I was able to feed my food addiction without anyone knowing 3) I really started gaining weight. 

Now, getting a job........ I started working at Hardee's and I ate from the minute I got to work until the minute I left.  I ate fry after fry after fry, and I had unlimited amount of fountain soda.  Then, I would come home and swear Hardee's food was nasty. Ha! That was such a lie.  We sold chicken, biscuits ice cream, and milk shakes.  I would put ice cream on top of the biscuits, add ice cream and fresh strawberries. 

Being able to feed my habit was so much easier and since I had a job I had my own money and nobody would ever know.  I would skip school at lunch, leave, go get my drug, eat in the car and come back to school before anyone ever knew.  Looking back it is sort of funny.  I would sprint to the car, drive to a drive-thru, eat super fast, then sprint back to class before anyone ever knew.

Lastly, I really started gaining weight.  I probably gained 20lbs when I turned 16 and got the keys to my own car. 

This is where the crazy dieting began...................

Not everyday.

Now don't get me wrong, I didn't get high off my drug everyday. There were times that I would say to myself, STOP!  Even as a pre-teen, I knew that what I was doing wasn't right.  I knew that eating all day everyday, sneaking food, wasn't right.  So, I would tell myself, stop, no more and I would............. for a little while anyway.  Looking back, I so wish that I would have opened up to my parents, I don't know why I didn't.  I know they would have understood and done whatever they could in their power to help me, but I didn't, I kept it bottle up inside.  If I would have shared maybe they would have helped me figure out why? And helped me stop so that I would not have had to suffer in silence for so many years. 

Maybe, my mom wouldn't have kept me on a diet and watched everything I put in my mouth.  Looking back, I am happy she did, and I am mad that she did.  I am happy that my mom watched my food, made me be active, and kept me on a diet when I picked up weight.  I am happy because if she would have let me eat what I wanted when I wanted, I would have been an obsese kid because I was already stuffing myself silently with food.  I will discuss why I am mad, and talk about the first diet I went on later, just not today. 

I still don't know what entered my head and made me open up like this and write this blog.  It is like a seed was planted in me months ago to do this and it just kept growing until I had no choice but to start this blog.  The little voice kept saying, Nicole tell your story, tell the whole story from beginning to end.  There are days that I want to write and the voice will say, no say this.......... wait and say that.  I have received a lot of private emails from people who have said, Nicole, I am a ghost follower...... and I want to thank you for sharing that because it really helped me and they will explain why.  I now know that God is that voice and he is using me as a vessle to help others. 

So, I am going to keep blogging, I am going to keep opening up, even though this takes so much out of me mentally and emotionally.

Also, I don't have this weight thing figured out at all.  I am still very scared, I worry, will I fall off the wagon, will I go back to my old habits.  I thank God for my sister Cher, she keeps me from going too far left, which is something I am good at when I have a goal I want to reach.  I get so focused on a particular goal that I pretty much become obsessed (to the point of being manic) until I reach it.

Until tomorrow,

Nicole

What makes me different.

In society alcoholics, drug addicts, sex addicts, etc. are often looked down upon.  People normal lock up their goods, talk about them and wonder how did they get hooked on their drug of choice.  Well, being a food addict is no different.  The only difference is................ you have to eat to live, which makes being addicted to food an even harder drug to kick. Honestly, I am no different than the drug addict on the street.  I have done some crazy things to get food.  I have even hid my addiction for years from everyone. 

One memory of doing something most people would describe as gross, insane, disgusting, etc. was when I was in 6th grade.  My mother taught at a Jr. High School and I would ride the bus from my elementary school to her school daily.  I remember one of her students bringing chocolate chip cookies.  My mother doesn't eat chocolate and threw the cookies in the trash.  When my mom left her classroom, I went into the trash and got the cookies out. I put them in my bag and I ate them.  Now, the cookies weren't just laying on top on a stack of papers, students had thrown paper balls, etc. on top of them and the trash can was under the pencil sharpener.  Looking back, what makes me different from a crack head who steals to get his/her fix?

I am embarrassed to admit that in years past, I have shaken my head at drug addicts, I have not understood how somebody can get addicted to a control substance.  Well............. I now feel like the pot calling the kettle black, because I have an addiction and just like any other addict, my addiction was slowly killing me..............

Unspoken rules.......

The unspoken rules of a black female are:
1.  Never let anyone see you cry. Pray, Smile, and Keep moving as if nothing is wrong.
2.  If someone hurts you, don't give them the satisfaction of knowing that they hurt your feelings. Pray, 
     smile, and keep moving as if nothing is wrong.
3.   If you are upset, in pain, having a bad day, etc. Pray, smile, and keep moving as if nothing is wrong. 4.  Keep your problems and your business to yourself.  If you are going through things; pray, smile, and
     keep moving as if nothing is wrong.
5.  Be strong! Which really takes care of every rule.  Always pray, smile, and keep moving as if nothing
     is wrong.
As a black female, I was raised to do the above.  I was raised that no matter what, pray, smile, and keep it moving.  So thinking back, I was never taught how to deal with feelings.  I was taught that you really don't deal with feelings/emotions, you just keep living, you just keep moving.  So instead of dealing with disappointment, hurt, anger, pain, etc. I kept moving.

I kept moving when someone hurt my feelings, when someone said something out the way to me, when I didn't get what I wanted, when I was disappointed.  Looking back, I thought I had kept it moving, when in fact, I had stuffed the feelings, I stuffed the hurt, I stuffed the disappointment, I stuffed everything with food. 

Well, I am tired of always smiling and pretending that things don't bother me, that my feelings aren't hurt, that nothing is wrong.  I am ready to deal with things.  Now, this is the hard part.................. How do I deal with these feelings? After I wrote yesterdays blog, I found myself standing in my fridge, looking for my medication (food).  I recognized what I was doing, and I closed the fridge door, put on my gym clothes and went to Zumba class.  I was about to surpress the feelings that arose after I admitted that I was molestated by a female babysitter when I was a child. 

How do you break 35 years of training? How do you learn to deal with pain, hurt, disappointment????

My weight loss excursion: When did the nightmare begin???????

My weight loss excursion: When did the nightmare begin???????: "I have been using food as a way to medicate every since I was a pre-teen. As I think back, I can remember eating a whole package of or..."

When did the nightmare begin???????

I have been using food as a way to medicate every since I was a pre-teen.  As I think back, I can remember eating a whole package of oreo cookies and blaming my brother.  It was easy to blame him because he was bigger than me.  I would go over my neighbors house and eat dinner with them, then come home and eat dinner again just like I never ate.  I learned how to order pizza via phone without anybody knowing.  I would meet the delivery guy at the mailbox, and eat the pizza in the back yard or basement and go into the house like nothing was wrong.  My weight stayed in a healthy range because I played basketball, ran track, danced, was in the color guard, I was a very active kid, I guess that's why I never showed major side effects (being obese) growing up.  Now, don't get me wrong, I wasn't a stick, but I wasn't fat either.  I was your average pre-teen. 

Those of you that know me, know that my mind is bad.  I have realized, my mind isn't bad, I just forget bad things.  I deal with things by not dealing with them, I just push them to the back of my mind and keep moving.  So, if you ask me about something negative, you normally get my shoulder shrug, or a puzzled look.  For years, I have pushed past hurts, disappointments, etc. to the back.  I paint the picture of a person who had the perfect life, and in my mind it was.  I would tell people, oh, I had a perfect childhood.  My family took vacations, I took piano lessons, dance lessons, my mom cooked breakfast for me every morning, we ate dinner together as a family (mom, dad, and brother), I grew up in two cities, Newnan and Dahlongea, all of things things are true and they were some great times.  However; when I started this journey, I dug really deeply and I found somethings that at first I wish would have remained burried. I remember my trusted baby sitter when I was 9 or 10 laying naked beside me in bed and touching all of my body parts, I remember her telling me never to tell anyone because they would hate me, think I was bad, etc.  My baby sitter taught me how to curse, and kissed me on the lips.  This baby sitter was a trusted family friend, a teenager.  This is the first thing I dug up.  I had put this away in the back of my mind.  I had hidden this from everyone even myself.  I was humilated, I was embarrassed, and I was hurt.  Did I recognize any of these things as a little girl? Of course not.  But what I did know was.............. it wasn't right, and the best way to deal with it was to pretend it never happened. 

Well, just typing this out, exposing this has my stomach in knots and my chest and heart heavy.  As a 35 year old woman this still saddens my heart.  It saddens me that I didn't go to my parents who I knew would protect me.  It saddens me that my parents sheltered me so much that I didn't know to go directly to them. 

Now, my journey gets even deeper but this is all I can discuss today.  Those of you who know me well are probably sitting with your mouths wide open for several reasons.  One, I am a very private person who doesn't like people in my business or knowing my business, and two, I have never shared this with you.  Well, apparently, I didn't share it with myself because I surpressed this memory so well even I had to dug deeply to bring it back up.....

Talk to you tomorrow,

How did I get to 337

Losing weight is about so much more than just losing weight.  Over the years I have been on many, many diets and I have lost many, many pounds, only to re-gain the weight, plus more.  This time it finally hit me, losing weight is about so much more than going on a diet, it is more than cutting calories and exercising.  It is also a mental journey, to honestly lose this weight, and keep it off, I had to reach deep inside and figure out how the heck I got so big in the first place. 

Anyone who has never struggled with weight is probably thinking, well the answer to that is easy. You got that size by eating all the time and not exercising.  Those of us who struggle with weight know that if it was that easy nobody would be over weight.  Struggling with weight is so much deeper than eating too much and not working out. 

It's about using food as medication, it's about using food as a drug, it's about using food to mask a bigger issue, it's about using food as a way to mask a much bigger issues.  It is about allowing past hurts and mistakes to conitnue to haunt you. It is about stuffing your feelings and burrying your hurts with food.  Most of us who are overweight do this privately. We do it and we don't even realize what we are doing.

Cutting calories and exercising is actually the easiest part of losing weight.  Digging deep inside and discovering why????????????? Now that is the challenge.  As I continue to blog, I will expose the process I have gone through, and what I have discovered. 

Who am I...........

Well, I am a 35 year old single black female who this time last year weighed 337 lbs and wore a size 26.  I am happy to report that as of today, I weigh 198 lbs and I wear a size 12. 

Actually, I am so much more than that.  I am a middle school principal, I am a daughter, a sister, an aunt, and a friend.  I am a person who loves taking pictures, reading, going to the movies, shopping, make-up, walking nature trails, dancing.  I am a person who cares about other people and loves to see everyone around me happy. I love to laugh, but I can be very serious at times.  I can be a little OCD, a little moody...........  However; for at least the last 10 years, all of these things have been put on the back burner because weighing 337 lbs defined who I was. I was the fat girl. The girl with the pretty face who needed to lose weight.  For so many years, I was the girl that so many people (including me) focused on being the big girl, instead of the girl who offered so much more.

I am new to this blogging thing, however; I have a great story to tell.  Most people discuss their weight loss journey, but I am going to talk about my weight loss excursion, because it has been one........  I still have a ways to go, I want to get down to a size 6.  Then, I have the other excursion........... keeping the weight off.....  I have been down the lose, gain, lose, gain more, lose, gain even more trail more times than I care to admit.

I don't know if anybody has a desire to read my story, but I sure hope so because I know I have a lot to say......

Dr. Coach