As time went on, I kept getting sicker and sicker. There were days I don't know how I got out of bed. It was hard for me to sleep lying down on my back, when I would lay down on my side, I would wake up and my shoulder would hurt. My feet hurt like nobody's business, I have really high arches and by the end of the day, they would be FLAT and I would be in pain.
I did something that I am not proud of during this time. I became the victim in my mind. In Nicole's mind, people picked on the fat lady. I was the fat lady. You all know me, I can't stand for people to play that victim role. Drives me NUTS. If you don'e like your situation change it. Well, instead of changing it, I made it worse. Please understand, that was the only part of my life that I allowed myself to play the victim role, but that is/was the most important part of my life. It was/is my health.
This is a role that I played so well........ here is an example
We were out to eat for Shona's birthday and one of her other friends were with us. I showed her friend a picture of this guy that liked me. He is a larger guy. Shona's friend said, "oh no, he is big and you are big, I mean real big." I don't know what hurt me more, what she said, or the look on her face when she said it. She looked at me like I was this digusting being. Shona and Cher had left the table and it was just Shona's friend and me. Playing the victim, I just looked at her. She then looked at me and then said, " I mean, I didn't mean it like that, you are a very pretty woman, I was just saying....." then Shona and Cher returned to the table.
I didn't say anything back to her, I just took her words and let the sink in. I then played the victim. I didn't want to be around Shona's friend anymore, I just didn't like her. It is rare for me to not like someone. I just didn't like her. Then, I took it a step further, I got angry at Shona. I was hurt that she didn't defend me at all. Whenever I brought the situation up, I felt like she made excuses for her friend, and her solution was to not blend her friends together again. The victim felt like, dang, my friend, my sister didn't defend me. The victim felt like, I would defend her to the end, wow.
I know that the above is a lot to take in, however; I am going to end this extra long post with this. The above made me realize how judgemental I had been (me the person who felt they weren't judgemental) I realized, how easy it is to play the victim. Instead of me dealing with the issue at hand........... my insecurities, and my low self-esteem... I blamed Shona's friend and I guess I blamed Shona for allowing it to happen.
Well the one thing about my sisterhood with Shona. We have honest unconditional love for one another, I don't blame Shona, I do understnad. We have moved forward from this issue and I know for a fact that we are closer because of things like the above. shona, I do love you unconditionally.
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