At this point, I was back in Newnan working at Arnall Middle School, teaching 7th grade math. I know longer waited tables, and I was working on my Doctoral degree. I had purchased a home in Union City and I was on my way to becoming an assistant principal. Career wise, I was on track, but my personal life was off track.
I made the appointment, they sent me all this info to read before my appointment. I remember going to the mall the day of my appointment. I went to Southlake Mall, I didn't want to go to that stupid appointment, and I thought of every reason in the world that I should not go. At the mall before my appointment I ate a chocolate chip double doozie.(Don't know how I remember that but I do) I hadn't had anything "bad" for me since the emergency room visit, nor had I binged, nor had I made myself throw-up. See, I didn't have a problem, it had been a week. So, why did I need to go to that stupid appointment.
I spoke to Shona on my ride to Ridgeview. I kept telling her how stupid it was and how I didn't see why I was even going. Well........... I got there...... and immediately turned my nose up. I filled out some papers and waited. Then I went to the back area, filled out more papers and waited. Then I met this lady, she looked to be in her late 20's early 30's. The asked me a lot of questions........ had me fill out this long sheet full of questions....... Then I waited again while they reviewed my info. I answered most of the questions honestly. Okay, I am lying, I lied on most of the questions. Once again........ I am not stupid and I knew that if I had answered those questions honestly, they would have admitted me. So, I sort of fudged the truth and made my problem seem less that what I know now it really was.
That plain Jane looking lady with the stringy looking brown hair and the skin that needed sun or a tanning bed came back into the room with me. She started talking........ honestly, I don't remember too much of what she said because I was giving her plain looking self a much needed make over in my head. Then she said something that really pissed me off and stopped my mind from making her over! She said....... I see you have a very expensive bag.... buying expensive things won't fix your problem. That bag I know cost over $300.00 and it won't make you happy, it only will make things worse. You look as if you..................... blah blah blah, she said some more BS about spending money and my purse isn't going to make my problems go away.
Really! She didn't know me. It was a dooney and burke bag. WOW! In my mind I am like, you plain country bumpkin. How dare she judge me off one purse. How dare she........ well that was it. I was done, my 4 hour appointment lasted 2 hours because Nicole blew that joint. Yeap, I sure did.......... I nicely gave that lady a piece of my mind, and I got my dooney and burke purse and walked out of that stupid Ridgeview place.
I didn't need that place because there wasn't anything wrong with me. I didn't call anybody until I got home. Then I hyped up my situation the way only Nicole Anderson Keith could. I told Shona all about the country bumpkin lady. I told my mom and Joe (my boyfriend during all of this, God rest his soul) too........... It is funny...... I remember Shona discussing how the lady needed to see my closet and see the other Dooney bag's and the Coach bag's too. Whatever.
Then Shona asked me, so what are you going to do. I remember promising to go see a counsler. I am a woman of my word. I went........ But it was an event too........
Sunday, February 20, 2011
The emergency room......
My laxative taking, throwing up habit only got worse. I would binge then throw up. When I say binge, I mean binge. I would eat up to 10,000 calories in one sitting, here's an example of something I ate March 2003, (I found this in an old journal).......... Big Mac, large fry, two apple pies, two buritto supreme's, nacho bell grande, Mr. Goodbar. I ate all of that in one sitting. Here's another one.......... Med. supreme pizza from domino's, cheese sticks, box of thin mints. Yes, I ate all of that in one sitting as well. Good part, I didn't gain any weight because I got rid of it all.
Well, one Saturday, my friend Dee B. and I drove to Augusta to see our friend Tawana's new baby boy. I drove...... on the way down, we stopped at Krystal in Lithonia. My stomach didn't feel right, so I didn't eat anything eles that day. On the way back, I was feeling just okay. My stomach wasn't right, but I was okay. I was driving and we are talking and clowning like normal. All of a sudden, sharp pains hit me. The pain came from my back and shot all the way around to my stomach, my chest, every where. I had to pull over and let Dee drive. Once I got home, I crawled into the bed. I honestly couldn't even stand up straight. As the evening went on the pains got worse and I started throwing up. I was heaving, it was horrible. Around mid-night, I couldn't take it anymore and called my then best friend Shona (you will see by the end of this blog why I said then best friend). I woke Shona up, she was at my house within minutes, but those minutes seemed like hours. As she drove, I moaned, I moved from side to side, the pain was literally unbearable. We made it to the emergency room, Shona drove like a bat out of hell and got us the quickly. I was in so much pain I didn't have to wait in the waiting room, they took me to the back area ASAP. This is where I got exposed!
Shona wouldn't leave my side. I was in so much pain it was hard for me to talk. I tried my best to tell Shona she didn't have to come back with me, but she wouldn't leave my side. They had given me a pan to hold since I kept throwing up. At this point I was throwing up blood..... I looked over at Shona and tears were coming out of her eyes. The nurse started asking me A LOT of questions. I had two options....... option A) Lie, and pray they could still figure out what was wrong with me option B) Tell the truth and become expose. Being that I am not dumb, I went with option B. The nurse asked me what medicines I took. I told the truth and mentioned the diet pills that I popped from time to time. Shona looked surprised because those pills kept me up all night and I had promised her I wouldn't take them anymore. I mentioned the laxatives, oh yeah, I mentioned making myself throw up. Uh-oh! Ding! I actually said it outloud. I admitted this to people.
The put an IV in me, I had thrown up so much nothing else would come out. I begged Shona not to call my parents, not yet. We stayed in that hospital for hours. I mean HOURS. All night, we didn't leave until Sunday morning. In the end, they fixed me up, explained what was wrong, gave me some medicine, told me that I had bulimia.
They said I had IBS, stomach ulcers, and I was dehydrated. They mentioned that they thought that I might have some severe esophageal problems and that I should follow up with my PCP as soon as possible. They also mentioned that I needed to get help for my eating disorder.
Eating disorder???????? HUH? What were they talking about. I don't have an eating disorder! Why do they keep talking about bulimia? I am a black female, I can't have bulimia. We don't get that. They don't know what they are talking about!
Well, Shona gave me a deadline to tell my parents or she was going to do it. She also stood by me through the entire process and is still standing by me. That is why she isn't my best friend, she is my sister. If it wasn't for her that night, if it wasn't for how she supported me then and supports me now, I don't know if I would have made it through that ordeal. She told me what I didn't want to hear, through the entire process....... she told me the truth, no matter how raw and uncensored it was.
Back to the blog...... My PCP ordered a lot of test, did a lot of lecturing, and ordered me to go to this place called Ridgeview for a test. What a minute.... Ridgeview. I was a teacher, I know what Ridgeview is. It is a place where crazy people go. No ma'am, I ain't going there. Nope! Not me!
My PCP gave me all this info on Bulimia.... my PCP kept using that bulimia word too. It really got on my nerves that people kept using that word when they talked to me...............
My PCP also suggested that I get help for my problem. In Nicole's mind, I didn't have a problem. Everybody who thought I had a problem, were the people with the problem.
My mother made sure I called Ridgeview and set up that stupid appointment. Yes, I called the appointment stupid. Shona kept saying....... you are going so stop complaining and stop calling it stupid. I went alright...... And for those of you that know Nicole Keith, you know the appointment wasn't smooth and easy.
Well, one Saturday, my friend Dee B. and I drove to Augusta to see our friend Tawana's new baby boy. I drove...... on the way down, we stopped at Krystal in Lithonia. My stomach didn't feel right, so I didn't eat anything eles that day. On the way back, I was feeling just okay. My stomach wasn't right, but I was okay. I was driving and we are talking and clowning like normal. All of a sudden, sharp pains hit me. The pain came from my back and shot all the way around to my stomach, my chest, every where. I had to pull over and let Dee drive. Once I got home, I crawled into the bed. I honestly couldn't even stand up straight. As the evening went on the pains got worse and I started throwing up. I was heaving, it was horrible. Around mid-night, I couldn't take it anymore and called my then best friend Shona (you will see by the end of this blog why I said then best friend). I woke Shona up, she was at my house within minutes, but those minutes seemed like hours. As she drove, I moaned, I moved from side to side, the pain was literally unbearable. We made it to the emergency room, Shona drove like a bat out of hell and got us the quickly. I was in so much pain I didn't have to wait in the waiting room, they took me to the back area ASAP. This is where I got exposed!
Shona wouldn't leave my side. I was in so much pain it was hard for me to talk. I tried my best to tell Shona she didn't have to come back with me, but she wouldn't leave my side. They had given me a pan to hold since I kept throwing up. At this point I was throwing up blood..... I looked over at Shona and tears were coming out of her eyes. The nurse started asking me A LOT of questions. I had two options....... option A) Lie, and pray they could still figure out what was wrong with me option B) Tell the truth and become expose. Being that I am not dumb, I went with option B. The nurse asked me what medicines I took. I told the truth and mentioned the diet pills that I popped from time to time. Shona looked surprised because those pills kept me up all night and I had promised her I wouldn't take them anymore. I mentioned the laxatives, oh yeah, I mentioned making myself throw up. Uh-oh! Ding! I actually said it outloud. I admitted this to people.
The put an IV in me, I had thrown up so much nothing else would come out. I begged Shona not to call my parents, not yet. We stayed in that hospital for hours. I mean HOURS. All night, we didn't leave until Sunday morning. In the end, they fixed me up, explained what was wrong, gave me some medicine, told me that I had bulimia.
They said I had IBS, stomach ulcers, and I was dehydrated. They mentioned that they thought that I might have some severe esophageal problems and that I should follow up with my PCP as soon as possible. They also mentioned that I needed to get help for my eating disorder.
Eating disorder???????? HUH? What were they talking about. I don't have an eating disorder! Why do they keep talking about bulimia? I am a black female, I can't have bulimia. We don't get that. They don't know what they are talking about!
Well, Shona gave me a deadline to tell my parents or she was going to do it. She also stood by me through the entire process and is still standing by me. That is why she isn't my best friend, she is my sister. If it wasn't for her that night, if it wasn't for how she supported me then and supports me now, I don't know if I would have made it through that ordeal. She told me what I didn't want to hear, through the entire process....... she told me the truth, no matter how raw and uncensored it was.
Back to the blog...... My PCP ordered a lot of test, did a lot of lecturing, and ordered me to go to this place called Ridgeview for a test. What a minute.... Ridgeview. I was a teacher, I know what Ridgeview is. It is a place where crazy people go. No ma'am, I ain't going there. Nope! Not me!
My PCP gave me all this info on Bulimia.... my PCP kept using that bulimia word too. It really got on my nerves that people kept using that word when they talked to me...............
My PCP also suggested that I get help for my problem. In Nicole's mind, I didn't have a problem. Everybody who thought I had a problem, were the people with the problem.
My mother made sure I called Ridgeview and set up that stupid appointment. Yes, I called the appointment stupid. Shona kept saying....... you are going so stop complaining and stop calling it stupid. I went alright...... And for those of you that know Nicole Keith, you know the appointment wasn't smooth and easy.
Pictures
People always say that you can spot a person with an eating disorder. I decided to post pictures of me during the time that I was taking laxatives and making myself throw-up.
This is a picture of Eric B. and myself in 2002. We had lunch with a group of people at Maggiono's one of my favorite Italian resturants. I ate plenty..... (It was all free) so I ate a lot! I actually depostied the food I ate in the Maggiono restroom.
In Vegas at a convention.
This is a picture of Eric B. and myself in 2002. We had lunch with a group of people at Maggiono's one of my favorite Italian resturants. I ate plenty..... (It was all free) so I ate a lot! I actually depostied the food I ate in the Maggiono restroom.
In Vegas at a convention.
My weight loss excursion: Well.........
My weight loss excursion: Well.........: "I stayed in South Fulton for two years, and the first year I was there I gained around 80lbs. Yes, I gained that much in one school year. ..."
Well.........
I stayed in South Fulton for two years, and the first year I was there I gained around 80lbs. Yes, I gained that much in one school year. So, it was time to do what I have become so good at. This time, I was going to do better though. I went back to my pills........ Dr. Bass, was too far away and his hours didn't work with my new job. So, a friend of mine introduced me to Dr. Smith in Riverdale. He gave me pills, shots, blah.........blah.............blah, same old story, just another doctor. Well, I lost some weight, but it wasn't as fast, and I didn't feel like the pills were really working for me.
Well.............. I started taking laxatives before I at something fattening. It was supposed to be a one time thing, but it turned into a weekly thing, every other day thing, then a daily thing. I was still working at O'Charley's waiting tables, taking pills, and taking laxatives. I was also working out every free minute I got. Every time I ate something I wasn't supposed to eat, I would take a laxative, and work out. I was doing it and I was doing big. I had lost over 80lbs, and this time I was going to keep it off.....
I really don't know what made me do it, I was at O'Charley's and I ate two rolls, I felt so guilty, I went into the restroom, put my finger down my throat and threw the rolls back up. Just like that, it was that easy. That was the very first time I had ever done that, too bad it wasn't the last time. The second time I did this was at the Cheesecake Factory. I was the math contact for my school in South Fulton. We had a math contact meeting there, I had planned on eating healthy, but....... it didn't work out that way. I ate like a pig.. I ate everything I wanted, plus what I didn't want. Immediately, I went into the restroom put my finger down my throat, and made it all better.
This wasn't supposed to happen, it was supposed to be a one time thing. Well, if you know me, nothing is ever a one time thing, and I take everything to the extreme, including throwing up. I stopped taking pills everyday and just took them from time to time. I did slow down with the laxatives, but I increased the number of times I threw up food and I increased my workouts.
Life was good. I had a master's degree, I had an add on in educational leadership, I was finishing my 6 year degree in educational leadership, and I was about to start working on my doctorate in education leadership. I was finally keeping the weight off. I was hot stuff, I was getting so much male attention, it was unreal. Life was so great, or so I thought.
But, like that good old saying goes........... All good things must come to an end. Well my good thing did come to an end........ but I would have picked another way for this to end.................
Well.............. I started taking laxatives before I at something fattening. It was supposed to be a one time thing, but it turned into a weekly thing, every other day thing, then a daily thing. I was still working at O'Charley's waiting tables, taking pills, and taking laxatives. I was also working out every free minute I got. Every time I ate something I wasn't supposed to eat, I would take a laxative, and work out. I was doing it and I was doing big. I had lost over 80lbs, and this time I was going to keep it off.....
I really don't know what made me do it, I was at O'Charley's and I ate two rolls, I felt so guilty, I went into the restroom, put my finger down my throat and threw the rolls back up. Just like that, it was that easy. That was the very first time I had ever done that, too bad it wasn't the last time. The second time I did this was at the Cheesecake Factory. I was the math contact for my school in South Fulton. We had a math contact meeting there, I had planned on eating healthy, but....... it didn't work out that way. I ate like a pig.. I ate everything I wanted, plus what I didn't want. Immediately, I went into the restroom put my finger down my throat, and made it all better.
This wasn't supposed to happen, it was supposed to be a one time thing. Well, if you know me, nothing is ever a one time thing, and I take everything to the extreme, including throwing up. I stopped taking pills everyday and just took them from time to time. I did slow down with the laxatives, but I increased the number of times I threw up food and I increased my workouts.
Life was good. I had a master's degree, I had an add on in educational leadership, I was finishing my 6 year degree in educational leadership, and I was about to start working on my doctorate in education leadership. I was finally keeping the weight off. I was hot stuff, I was getting so much male attention, it was unreal. Life was so great, or so I thought.
But, like that good old saying goes........... All good things must come to an end. Well my good thing did come to an end........ but I would have picked another way for this to end.................
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Starting a new chapter
Well, I did it.... I graduated from FVSU. I decided to take a job in my home town teaching. So, I moved back home and I started teaching 6th grade. I had so many things to adjust to... Like living at home with my parents after being on my own for 4 years, going to a job with older people, not really having in friends at home to go out with on a daily bases like in college. Also, I was probably the youngest person in my school building and I was one of only two black people. I had gone to an all black college. So all of this took some adjusting. It didn't take me long to adjust and I ended up liking my co-workers. They were really nice people who were always willing to help.
I did go through a lil depression though. I was away from the guy that I thought was my "soul mate" who I will call WT. I started grad school, and I got two part time jobs, O'Charley's and Macy's. If I wasn't in school, I was at my real job, or a part time job. I rarely slept, and I ate any and everything I could fine. I waited tables on the weekends, and I worked at Macy's from 5-9PM, and I took two to three classes a sememster. All I did was eat, work, and sleep. I worked seven days a week. Naturally, I gained A TON of weight. I was wearing a size 22. I was having trouble taking deep breaths so I went to the doctor. He said that it was all of the extra weight weighing on my lungs, and I needed to lose weight. So, I did. I went to Dr. Bass, who hooked me up. He gave me pills, and shots, told me to eat 1000 calories or less and to exercise. I followed his directions, actually, I became a little obsessed with his directions. I exercised twice a day. I did taebo, I ran, I ate 700-800 calories, and I lost weight. I was still real young so it was easy. I got down to a size 12 and all was good again.
I started back getting a lot of male attention. It seemed like everywhere I went, I got attention. All of the attention made me so uncomfortable. Men stopping me, men trying to get me to pull over, parents trying to talk to me.
Looking back, I would be willing to bet my paycheck that I sabatoged my weight loss on purpose. I would be willing to bet that I was scared, didn't know how to handle the attention, and reverted back to what was comfortable to me. Food!
Well, I only stayed in Newnan a little over a year. I got my own apartment in Union City, which is about 15 minutes from downtown, Atl. I finished my master's, I quit Macy's, but I kept waiting tables on the weekend and I was still teaching.
I stopped seeing Dr. Bass because "I WAS FIXED" I was a size 12. I got a job teaching in South Fulton County, and I started a leadership program. I was back in school........
Well, I am willing to bet that you all know what happened next.
I did go through a lil depression though. I was away from the guy that I thought was my "soul mate" who I will call WT. I started grad school, and I got two part time jobs, O'Charley's and Macy's. If I wasn't in school, I was at my real job, or a part time job. I rarely slept, and I ate any and everything I could fine. I waited tables on the weekends, and I worked at Macy's from 5-9PM, and I took two to three classes a sememster. All I did was eat, work, and sleep. I worked seven days a week. Naturally, I gained A TON of weight. I was wearing a size 22. I was having trouble taking deep breaths so I went to the doctor. He said that it was all of the extra weight weighing on my lungs, and I needed to lose weight. So, I did. I went to Dr. Bass, who hooked me up. He gave me pills, and shots, told me to eat 1000 calories or less and to exercise. I followed his directions, actually, I became a little obsessed with his directions. I exercised twice a day. I did taebo, I ran, I ate 700-800 calories, and I lost weight. I was still real young so it was easy. I got down to a size 12 and all was good again.
I started back getting a lot of male attention. It seemed like everywhere I went, I got attention. All of the attention made me so uncomfortable. Men stopping me, men trying to get me to pull over, parents trying to talk to me.
Looking back, I would be willing to bet my paycheck that I sabatoged my weight loss on purpose. I would be willing to bet that I was scared, didn't know how to handle the attention, and reverted back to what was comfortable to me. Food!
Well, I only stayed in Newnan a little over a year. I got my own apartment in Union City, which is about 15 minutes from downtown, Atl. I finished my master's, I quit Macy's, but I kept waiting tables on the weekend and I was still teaching.
I stopped seeing Dr. Bass because "I WAS FIXED" I was a size 12. I got a job teaching in South Fulton County, and I started a leadership program. I was back in school........
Well, I am willing to bet that you all know what happened next.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Off Topic, but I had to share!
As of today, I have lost 151 pounds!!!! OMG! I can wear a size 10 out of The Limited, Express, New York and Company, the Loft. I should be happy about this right? I should love buying clothes right? Well I don't. I have to try on everything and nothing fits right. But, I am glad that I have lost 151 pounds and I am happy that I don't take insulin or high blood pressure meds anymore.
I plan on blogging tomorrow. But, I did want to share this news. Size 6 here I come.
I plan on blogging tomorrow. But, I did want to share this news. Size 6 here I come.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Well, during college, I really started hiding my eating. I had a job so I had money and I had a car. I feel in love with Real Coke, and would chug 2-liters a day, I feel in love with snickers, and I would eat 3 to 4 of them a day. I also feel in love with chips, Krystals, McDonalds, and the Huddle House. My roommate was a manager at KFC, so I feel in love with KFC. I was a waitress at Shoney's and Ryan's so I feel in love with their food too. I also feel in love with candy, jolly ranchers, skittles, etc. I just kept picking up bad habit after bad habit.
Well, I pledged Alpha Kappa Alpha while in college. We were getting ready for a step show and it was time to get our outfits. I was working at Goody's part-time (I have worked some of everywhere) and they had these cute green suits. Everybody agreed on the suit.............. only one issue! Everybody was a size 2, a size 4, a size 6, but me...... I was a size 16. The suit wouldn't fit me, so I had to have my suit made. I was so hurt, so humilated, so embarrassed. My sorors didn't make a big deal out of it, and acted as if it was all okay. But, to me it wasn't. It was just another knock to my already low self-esteem.
Yes, I just mentioned low self-esteem...... if I would've wrote this back in 1996, I would have never said that I had low-self esteem. I mean, I grew up being told I was pretty every day of my life. People would stop me on the street and tell me I was pretty, I was beautiful, I had pretty skin, a pretty smile, etc. So there was no way I had low-self esteem. Well, I did.......... I had bottom of the ocean self-esteem, and the more weight I gained, or the more disappointment I had, the lower my already extra low self-esteem became. I will speak more about my self-esteem issues later. Back to the subject.
Well, I picked up my home-made green suit, and it fit, but...... it didn't fit like everybody elses did. The pants were "in the water" but, I didn't have a choice, I had to wear it......... In my mind, it was my fault because I was fat and it was my fault that I couldn't control my weight.
I made it through the step-show, and I have the video to prove it.......
Well, I pledged Alpha Kappa Alpha while in college. We were getting ready for a step show and it was time to get our outfits. I was working at Goody's part-time (I have worked some of everywhere) and they had these cute green suits. Everybody agreed on the suit.............. only one issue! Everybody was a size 2, a size 4, a size 6, but me...... I was a size 16. The suit wouldn't fit me, so I had to have my suit made. I was so hurt, so humilated, so embarrassed. My sorors didn't make a big deal out of it, and acted as if it was all okay. But, to me it wasn't. It was just another knock to my already low self-esteem.
Yes, I just mentioned low self-esteem...... if I would've wrote this back in 1996, I would have never said that I had low-self esteem. I mean, I grew up being told I was pretty every day of my life. People would stop me on the street and tell me I was pretty, I was beautiful, I had pretty skin, a pretty smile, etc. So there was no way I had low-self esteem. Well, I did.......... I had bottom of the ocean self-esteem, and the more weight I gained, or the more disappointment I had, the lower my already extra low self-esteem became. I will speak more about my self-esteem issues later. Back to the subject.
Well, I picked up my home-made green suit, and it fit, but...... it didn't fit like everybody elses did. The pants were "in the water" but, I didn't have a choice, I had to wear it......... In my mind, it was my fault because I was fat and it was my fault that I couldn't control my weight.
I made it through the step-show, and I have the video to prove it.......
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