Well, my dad's attitude didn't change, not at all. He was just as up beat and positive as he always was. He was confident that he would beat it again, the doctor was opotmistic, the doctor's attitude was, "you will beat it again, and it will return, and we will go at it again." You see my dad had small cell lung cancer, this type of lung cancer spreads quickly. My dad had beat all odds, even the doctor said that he had never had a patient like him.
I was still losing weight, I was working out with a trainer, things were going well. I had kept my dad's illness low key at work, however, with it being the end of the school year, I had to call my boss to let him know why I would be out of the building a little more than normal the last weeks of school. I took off work and drove my parents downtown to Peidmont hospital where they would be doing the procedure. The cancer was spreading to his liver, so the chemo was put in through his groin area, the chemo was little crystals that were supposed to stop the blood flow to that particular area, and kill the cancer cells. The procedure went smoothly.
Daddy didn't bounce back this time like he normally did. His energy level was low, he didn't feel well, he didn't eat, things were just bad. During this time I was in a relationship and the relationship wasn't going well either. I knew that he was cheating, lying, etc. but I honestly didn't have time to focus on him. My daddy was my only interest.
Inside, I was stressed, outside you would've never known. I cried on a three-way call with Shona and Cher, after that, I just moved forward. I had to be strong. I started missing training sessions, I stopped eating properly and went back to my old way of eating. I was just exsisting.
Things feel apart quickly, I mean quickly. We all held on to hope and prayer even though I had started to except God's will.
Terry (my boyfriend) and I had planned a trip to the Essence festival the weekend of July 4th. Since I had been working long hours, driving to Newnan almost everyday, working online, just not sleeping, etc. My friends were going to Hilton Head, it was supposed to be my birthday trip. I felt guilty for going, but my dad and mom wanted me to go. It was only a two day trip. The trip was horrible. I was in a bad mood, I was nervous, I called my boyfriend, his blue tooth picked up, I heard him in the car with another female, he must've had his phone on silence, and didn't realize. I didn't share this with my friends at first. Then to top it all off, my childhood neighbor called to ask me what was happening at my mom's house. I was like "what are you talking about" she told me that it was an ambulance at my mom's house.
Okay, I can't write anymore. This is too much. I need to go back, I am leaving for a 10 day vacation. I will pick up when I get back.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Keeping my promise
Well I kept my promise, I started losing weight. I hired a trainer, I worked out, I let go of sweets, fats, junk food. My blood sugar was GREAT! I was doing what I had promised my dad, so far,I had lost about 50lbs, I was feeling a lot better about myself, and my energy level was higher than it had been in ages, plus my A1C was the best it had been.
My dad was doing his part too. He had changed his diet, given up pork, beef, dairy, was eating raw foods: fruits, veggies, nuts, etc. My mom had been juicing for him daily, we had done research regarding natural cures for cancer, foods that heal, etc. So, my mom would juice for him daily, radishes, carrots, cabbage, fruit, etc. I honestly believe that his change in diet had a lot to with how well he handled/dealt with his disease. I know it had a lot to do with how he didn't suffer as the doctors said it would. I also know it had a lot to do with how high his energy level was the entire time.
We were both doing well, my dad and I. He was cancer free, I was losing weight.
I was at work, and noticed that I had several missed calls from my mom..... I knew that my dad had his normal 3 month check up that day, so when I saw the missed calls my heart dropped. I closed my office door and returned the call. My mom answered and gave me the news that the cancer was back and this time it was in his liver. They wanted to try a new procedure............. this was May.
Funny how our minds work. I remember the conversation word for word. I remember saying, I am not worried mom, he will be fine. This is the cycle, it comes, they treat it, he goes back to being cancer free.... He will be fine. I hung up the phone, called Cherilyn, explained everything to her. Then, I walked to the concession stand in my school, and got me a snack. I decided to start the popcorn maker, I loaded it with extra oil and popped several batches. I fixed super greasy popcorn, added salt, fixed me a few bags, took the popcorn, along with a snickers, an oatmeal raisin pie, a pack of starburst, and a regular coke. I then informed the front office staff that I had popped fresh popcorn and they were welcome to help themselves.
My dad was doing his part too. He had changed his diet, given up pork, beef, dairy, was eating raw foods: fruits, veggies, nuts, etc. My mom had been juicing for him daily, we had done research regarding natural cures for cancer, foods that heal, etc. So, my mom would juice for him daily, radishes, carrots, cabbage, fruit, etc. I honestly believe that his change in diet had a lot to with how well he handled/dealt with his disease. I know it had a lot to do with how he didn't suffer as the doctors said it would. I also know it had a lot to do with how high his energy level was the entire time.
We were both doing well, my dad and I. He was cancer free, I was losing weight.
I was at work, and noticed that I had several missed calls from my mom..... I knew that my dad had his normal 3 month check up that day, so when I saw the missed calls my heart dropped. I closed my office door and returned the call. My mom answered and gave me the news that the cancer was back and this time it was in his liver. They wanted to try a new procedure............. this was May.
Funny how our minds work. I remember the conversation word for word. I remember saying, I am not worried mom, he will be fine. This is the cycle, it comes, they treat it, he goes back to being cancer free.... He will be fine. I hung up the phone, called Cherilyn, explained everything to her. Then, I walked to the concession stand in my school, and got me a snack. I decided to start the popcorn maker, I loaded it with extra oil and popped several batches. I fixed super greasy popcorn, added salt, fixed me a few bags, took the popcorn, along with a snickers, an oatmeal raisin pie, a pack of starburst, and a regular coke. I then informed the front office staff that I had popped fresh popcorn and they were welcome to help themselves.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
The promise
Well, my dad was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. The cancer had spread to his brain. Doctor's gave him 9 months at most to live and said that they would not be a good 9 months. This was hard to digest, I was numb. Once my dad got home, I remember three things he said to me: 1. No matter what, I am going to be just fine, and you will be too. I know exactly what he meant. He meant that if he died he was going to Heaven and he would be just fine, and if he lived he would be just fine. He also meant that he had raised me and taught me all he could and I would be just fine. 2. He said, "it's the fourth quarter now, we aren't going to lose this game, it's just starting." My dad was a retired head football coach. He played sports all his life, went to college on a football scholarship, so sports talk was his thing. 3. He told me that he had a praying Grandma who taught him how to pray.
The doctor's gave him 9 months, he out lived that. Well his illness felt more like a roller coaster ride than anything else. It was full of emotional up's and down's. After his first few months of treatment, the doctor's were amazed. He was cancer free, and during his treatments (brain radiation and chemo) He didn't get sick or weak like they said he would. My dad changed his diet, he gave up diary, beef, pork, my mom juiced for him daily. He exercised, he took natural herbs, vitamins, he did all he could to feel good.
Me on the other hand, I ate through the pain, I ate throught the up's and the down's. You see, he was cancer free, then three months later he went back for a check-up and the cancer was back. He under went treatment again, he came out of treatment cancer free. Then........ I think you see the pattern.
After maybe a year of having cancer, then being cancer free, then finding out it was back (horrible cycle) I had gained about 40-60lbs. My dad noticed and was in tears when he spoke to me about it. He told me that he was worried and that he couldn't sleep at night thinking about something happening to me. He told me that he needed me to be here to look out for my mom when he left and he was scared that I was going to die before him. He also told me that he couldn't die yet because he was worried about my brother and I. On that day he and I made a promise. I promised him I would lose weight only if he promised me he wouldn't die. Well, yes, I get it, I know his dying wasn't up to him or me. He knew that too. He promised me that he would keep doing all he could to fight his cancer, and I promised to lose weight..........
I have cried through this entire post. My shirt has tear stains on it. I miss my daddie(this is how I said his name) more than words could ever describe, I still have an empty spot in my heart that I know will never go away. He was so much too me.
Since it's the summer I have more free time so I will post sooner.
Later
Well......... he was right.
The doctor's gave him 9 months, he out lived that. Well his illness felt more like a roller coaster ride than anything else. It was full of emotional up's and down's. After his first few months of treatment, the doctor's were amazed. He was cancer free, and during his treatments (brain radiation and chemo) He didn't get sick or weak like they said he would. My dad changed his diet, he gave up diary, beef, pork, my mom juiced for him daily. He exercised, he took natural herbs, vitamins, he did all he could to feel good.
Me on the other hand, I ate through the pain, I ate throught the up's and the down's. You see, he was cancer free, then three months later he went back for a check-up and the cancer was back. He under went treatment again, he came out of treatment cancer free. Then........ I think you see the pattern.
After maybe a year of having cancer, then being cancer free, then finding out it was back (horrible cycle) I had gained about 40-60lbs. My dad noticed and was in tears when he spoke to me about it. He told me that he was worried and that he couldn't sleep at night thinking about something happening to me. He told me that he needed me to be here to look out for my mom when he left and he was scared that I was going to die before him. He also told me that he couldn't die yet because he was worried about my brother and I. On that day he and I made a promise. I promised him I would lose weight only if he promised me he wouldn't die. Well, yes, I get it, I know his dying wasn't up to him or me. He knew that too. He promised me that he would keep doing all he could to fight his cancer, and I promised to lose weight..........
I have cried through this entire post. My shirt has tear stains on it. I miss my daddie(this is how I said his name) more than words could ever describe, I still have an empty spot in my heart that I know will never go away. He was so much too me.
Since it's the summer I have more free time so I will post sooner.
Later
Well......... he was right.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Side Note Celebration Time
This is a size small from the juniors department
I have reached my goal size. I have never in the history of losing weight actually gotten to a size and wanted to stop.
Other people around me have told me that I was at a good size but I didn't see it. I thought I needed to keep losing and honestly a little part of me still does. Okay, I am lying a huge part of me still does.
Yesterday, I went into Victoria Secret to get a strapless bra. I was on the phone with Shona when I walked into the store. I said to the sales lady, "I need a black strapless bra, no push-up, size 38B. Shona corrected me and said you don't wear that size. I was like yes I do, I told her B cup. Shona was like your back is not a 38. I was like oh yeah you are right. Being that I had just gotten measured for a correct size bra, I knew the right size, I just wasn't use to being that size. I corrected the size to the lady, which is a 36B, but when I got home, put on the bra I had to hook the 36B on the last hook.
After leaving VS I went into Macy's to exchange a black jumpsuit and a shirt I had bought out of the juniors department. I HATE trying on clothes. I didn't realize I could fit stuff out of the juniors department. I was actually walking past the department on my way out of the mall and saw this nice jumpsuit, I looked at it and was like, I probably could wear this in an extra large. I looked at it and was like this looks big, so I looked at the large. When I got to the register the lady told me they ran big and she thought I need a small. I told her no ma'am there was no way I could wear a small in juniors, so I got a medium. While at the register I saw this one sleeve shirt. I asked for it in a large, she was like I really think you could wear the small or med, but she gave me the large shirt.
When I got home I tried them on, the jump suit was tooooo big and so was the shirt. I went back the next day and exchanged and also bought two other cute maxi dresses off the rack in the juniors department. All items were a size small.
Got home tried everything on and looked at the tag of the cute pink dress that I had on. The size was a xs/s. It hit me........ like a ton of bricks. I know this sounds silly but I had to sit down in my chair. Then I started thinking. I wear a solid size 6, and in the loft I can fit a size 4 if it is curvy. I never in my life thought I would be able to wear a size 4/6.
As I sit and take this all in, I think about this long hard journey to get here. I think of the people in my life who helped me get here and I thank God for giving me the strength to do this and for putting the following people in my life:
Cherilyn- She is my logic for when I start doing crazy stuff like working out 3 days a week and trying to live off 800 calories. She reminds me of crazy, foolishness I have tried in the past and she isn't scared to get in my ass when I am doing something just stupid.
Jade- She is my 1st cousin who is more like my sister. Will tell me I am stupid at the drop of a damn, and will always remind me of what is really important. She also reminds me to stop trying to control things because it's not up to me it is up to God.
Rod- When I worry about eating something that I have deemed off my program, he has taught me that it is really okay to eat a cookie or a chip as long as I remember that I am in control. He has also taught me to ignore ignorant people who tell me that I am too skinny because I am not too skinny, I am healthy.
Robert-Has kept me focused on my workouts. Has really pushed me to build muscle and to stop running everyday and to use weights. He has also been on me about the importance of continuing to workout.
Mom- Just everything. God blessed me with a wonderful mom. I could write forever!
Brandon-Straight moral and nutrition support. My first cousin who I have spent hours discussing raw food diets, vegan diets, exercise, etc. with.
Shona- Just standing by me no matter what! Going through my closet and taking my clothes as they got too big to the consignment shop because I am lazy. Going through my closet and taking things with tags out and driving me to the mall and making me return them. I love shopping.......
Chari- My office manager my close friend who reminded me to eat, who listened to my fears, who cheered me on and supported me.
Julie- The best damn trainer I have ever met. Kept pushing me to do more, made me up my calories, made me work on the fear of eating, who has coached me on protein and nutrition and the importance of building muscle. Who isn't afraid to tell Nicole no. I have worked with a few trainers in the past, and none of them have come close to what she does. She is about the business of truly helping people reach their goals. I thank her more than she will ever know.
Kisa- My voice of reason and logic. Kisa helps keep me from getting to OCD, she reminds me to chill and to relax.
Madison- My 15 year old niece, who has helped me more than she will ever know. She has encouraged me so much. Reminded me that it's okay to treat myself because I have to live. She was with me the day I ran my first 5k. She cheered me on the entire way. She has even volunteered to run my next race with me.
Naima- Who actually started crying when she saw me for the first time and I had lost 80lbs. She said, "omg Nicole you look like you did when we first met." Naima always tells me how beautiful I am and is always so loving. Those of you who know me know that I don't think I am as pretty as people tell me. Naima has helped me learn to deal with the compliments I get daily and has taught me to except them. I am still working on excepting them.
There are other people but the people above aren't afraid to tell the know it all, control freak to chill the hell out. Most people don't have the courage to tell me the God's honest truth because I am Dr. Nicole Keith who tells others what to do and who on the surface appears to have it all together. These people don't give a flip about my title, they honestly see me as Nicole. I love this because people who know me know I HATE being known as a title. Which is why in my personal life I have a fit if somebody I consider a friend refers to me as anything other than Nicole.
This post is long! I will get back on track with my story soon. Being that it is summer I will have more time and I will post more.
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