I have been using food as a way to medicate every since I was a pre-teen. As I think back, I can remember eating a whole package of oreo cookies and blaming my brother. It was easy to blame him because he was bigger than me. I would go over my neighbors house and eat dinner with them, then come home and eat dinner again just like I never ate. I learned how to order pizza via phone without anybody knowing. I would meet the delivery guy at the mailbox, and eat the pizza in the back yard or basement and go into the house like nothing was wrong. My weight stayed in a healthy range because I played basketball, ran track, danced, was in the color guard, I was a very active kid, I guess that's why I never showed major side effects (being obese) growing up. Now, don't get me wrong, I wasn't a stick, but I wasn't fat either. I was your average pre-teen.
Those of you that know me, know that my mind is bad. I have realized, my mind isn't bad, I just forget bad things. I deal with things by not dealing with them, I just push them to the back of my mind and keep moving. So, if you ask me about something negative, you normally get my shoulder shrug, or a puzzled look. For years, I have pushed past hurts, disappointments, etc. to the back. I paint the picture of a person who had the perfect life, and in my mind it was. I would tell people, oh, I had a perfect childhood. My family took vacations, I took piano lessons, dance lessons, my mom cooked breakfast for me every morning, we ate dinner together as a family (mom, dad, and brother), I grew up in two cities, Newnan and Dahlongea, all of things things are true and they were some great times. However; when I started this journey, I dug really deeply and I found somethings that at first I wish would have remained burried. I remember my trusted baby sitter when I was 9 or 10 laying naked beside me in bed and touching all of my body parts, I remember her telling me never to tell anyone because they would hate me, think I was bad, etc. My baby sitter taught me how to curse, and kissed me on the lips. This baby sitter was a trusted family friend, a teenager. This is the first thing I dug up. I had put this away in the back of my mind. I had hidden this from everyone even myself. I was humilated, I was embarrassed, and I was hurt. Did I recognize any of these things as a little girl? Of course not. But what I did know was.............. it wasn't right, and the best way to deal with it was to pretend it never happened.
Well, just typing this out, exposing this has my stomach in knots and my chest and heart heavy. As a 35 year old woman this still saddens my heart. It saddens me that I didn't go to my parents who I knew would protect me. It saddens me that my parents sheltered me so much that I didn't know to go directly to them.
Now, my journey gets even deeper but this is all I can discuss today. Those of you who know me well are probably sitting with your mouths wide open for several reasons. One, I am a very private person who doesn't like people in my business or knowing my business, and two, I have never shared this with you. Well, apparently, I didn't share it with myself because I surpressed this memory so well even I had to dug deeply to bring it back up.....
Talk to you tomorrow,
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ReplyDeleteNicole...as I read this tears come to my eyes, because I now know why God brought us into each other's lives. I too recently admitted to someone that I was also molested at a young age and had buried it deep within. I am so sure this not only contributed to my dependency on food but also why I have the type of relationships I have with men. It's amazing how we can surpress things and cover them up like they never happened. The ties that bind us are even greater than either of us could have ever imagined. Love you. Until tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteOur mind is so powerful Tab. We do these things to protect ourselves, when we are doing the exact opposite. We are hurting ourselves by surpressing. As black women we are taught to keep it moving and not to dwell on our issues, problems, etc. This hurts us more than it helps us. Yes, we shouldn't dwell, however; instead of keeping it moving, we need to stop, think, address, and deal.
ReplyDeleteNicole, I'm speechless,however I know the pain of being molested. The sad part is I told my Mother; but she didn't believe me...... Nevertheless, I am sorry that happen to you; and it looks like you have moved on from this ordeal...
ReplyDeleteTalk to you later...
I just want to say that I am SO PROUD of your strength, and I praise the Lord for your testimony! I love you so much, my friend! :)
ReplyDeleteDon't worry. You are not alone. I went through the same thing at daycare. It was nap time and the girl next to me asked if I wanted to play a game. I said "sure" and she put her hands on me and roamed and I just layed there hoping it would be over soon. I have never told my parents or anyone else. It's not something that hurts me though because I grew up in quite a stressful environment and was use to the pain. But I do understand what you are going through. It can be humiliating and it makes one feel as if they could just erase it from their memory. But you know, at least I can say that I am a stronger person from it. and so can you. Don't keep things bottled up. You will only explode. It's like getting a soda bottle and slowly shaking it and shaking it until ka-blam!It's great that you are using this blog as a way to release your feelings. In fact it's helpful because we are your support group and you have the safety of knowing that you are venting to people somewhat anonymously. I don't know if that makes sense, but I mean that it's good to open up to others. Even strangers. :) because it brings you a step closer to overcoming it. I have been in your shoes and I will help see you through. I know this post is a little old, but none the less I want to be of some support for you :)
ReplyDeleteStay strong! I admire your honesty and determination! :D