Well my disease got to a point where it kept getting worse and worse. My blood sugar was HORRIBLE. Normal range is 70-100. For a diabetic, anything under 130ish is pretty good. Well, for months and months my blood sugar didn't get under 200, okay I am lying, it didn't go under 250. I was eating horrible, I wasn't exercising and I was stressed more than anyone knew.
You see, stress affects your blood sugar. I had more stress than I ever let on. I am a very internal person. I rarely show how I am feeling, or what I am feeling, and I defintely NEVER express how I am feeling unless you are one of the very few people that I consider unconditially safe. These people I have learned over the years love me no matter what I do or say. It has taking me doing and saying a lot to them for me to see that they still stand by me and love me no matter what. I mean, a lot of the time, I take out my stress, frustration, and anger I feel for other people on them. They take it and still love me! I am so blessed to have: Cher, Shona, Kisa, and Jade. They are my voices of reason, they tell me what I need to hear, not what I want to hear. They aren't afraid to tell me that I am being stupid as hell. Really they could care less if I even get mad at them. Now, understand, I am blessed with a lot of good friends. However, these ladies could care less if I get mad at them, they still tell me the truth.
Now, back on subject. I had just become principal of my school. The school was in a WRECK! We had gang issues, low test scores, 8th graders were selling drugs, some teachers were doing what they wanted- coming to work late, not coming to work, etc. The kids were WILD, no structure. Parents were not happy about the school and they let everyone in the community know it too. Heck, it wasn't safe for boys to go into the restroom, because gang members were jumping innocent boys as they entered the restrooms. Sad part about the school being in a wreck is........... not everyone knew this.
At the same time that I took over this school. My daddy was diagnosed with having stage 4 lung cancer. Talk about somebody's world being rocked. The doctor told us that at most my dad had 9 months left and that was 9 months of non-quality living.
I handled this like I handle most things. I pouted privately for a few days, was angry as HELL, but only those unconditional people knew this. Then, I got over myself and put on my game face and acted as if none of the above mattered.
I have to stop writing now because thinking about this time makes my heart hurt. If you know me personally you know how close my dad and I are. I can't deal with thinking about this right now.
I will post sooner............
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Life with this new disease............
I took it serious at first. I followed the doctor's orders, I followed the diabetic diet, I took my meds, I checked my blood sugar like I was supposed too. Then............. I got off track, I figured out that I could cheat a little and be okay. Well, it went from cheating a little bit, to cheating a whole lot.
I didn't like this stupid disease, not at all. The thing about being a diabetic is................. it is internal, so you really can't see what is going on, and some days, you can't feel it. Truth of the matter is, this disease kills you slowly internally and you don't even realize it. You can trick yourself, trust me I know. I would eat all the wrong stuff, then take an extra pill, drink a lot of water and get my blood sugar back down. Right before it was time for me to do my fasting blood work for my doctor, I would straigthen up. For about 3 to 4 weeks, I would be the perfect diabetic. Then I would go, do my blood work and the doctor not know. You see, the doctor made the mistake of telling me how the blood recycles itself blah, blah, blah. So, I figured out how to keep my doctor from knowing that I wasn't really doing right. PUTTING THAT IN WRITING MADE ME REALIZE I WAS SO STUPID!!!! You see, I have this thing called Nicole's logic. That was Nicole's logic. Yeah, I fooled the doctor, but at the end of the day, I was only HURTING myself.
You see, in my mind, as long as I had the medicine, I was fine. I mean I didn't have high blood pressure, my cholesterol was good. All that was wrong was my SUGAR was a little high.
Well, after about 3 or 4 years of my SUGAR being a little high and me manipilating the doctor, the below happened:
- I developed high blood pressure. (I now know that the reason most diabetics have high blood pressure is because of the sugar in your blood. So even though I didn't have high blood pressure at first, years of too high sugar levels made this happen)
- The tips of my fingers lost a lot of sensitivity. (Years of pricking myself to check my sugar, caused the tips of my fingers to harden. This is something that happens to all diabetics)
- Developed extra scabby skin on my feet. I have to keep my feet done. I won't even go into this, because I am sensitive about my feet.
- Vision got worse. Yeap..........
Now, other things happened as well..........
You see when your blood sugar is high or low you just don't feel good. Actually, you feel like crap. However, you become so used to feeling like crap that you don't even realize you don't feel good. Well diabeties also affects:
Your energy level
Your attitude
Your mood
I had NO energy. All I wanted to do was sit, but I couldn't so I would PUSH through. Well, pushing through no energy makes me irriatable! When your blood sugar isn't stable, meaning it spikes because you don't have it in check, your mood spikes with it. Now that my sugar is in check, people tell me how moody and how mean I was. It actually hurts me because those of you who really know me know that I am the opposite of mean. So for people to preceive me as mean hurts me deeply.
Okay, this post is geeting too long. I have so much more to say about my years as a diabetic, and how this disease affected me.............. I have some new not so good stories to tell ya'll......... Stay tuned.
I didn't like this stupid disease, not at all. The thing about being a diabetic is................. it is internal, so you really can't see what is going on, and some days, you can't feel it. Truth of the matter is, this disease kills you slowly internally and you don't even realize it. You can trick yourself, trust me I know. I would eat all the wrong stuff, then take an extra pill, drink a lot of water and get my blood sugar back down. Right before it was time for me to do my fasting blood work for my doctor, I would straigthen up. For about 3 to 4 weeks, I would be the perfect diabetic. Then I would go, do my blood work and the doctor not know. You see, the doctor made the mistake of telling me how the blood recycles itself blah, blah, blah. So, I figured out how to keep my doctor from knowing that I wasn't really doing right. PUTTING THAT IN WRITING MADE ME REALIZE I WAS SO STUPID!!!! You see, I have this thing called Nicole's logic. That was Nicole's logic. Yeah, I fooled the doctor, but at the end of the day, I was only HURTING myself.
You see, in my mind, as long as I had the medicine, I was fine. I mean I didn't have high blood pressure, my cholesterol was good. All that was wrong was my SUGAR was a little high.
Well, after about 3 or 4 years of my SUGAR being a little high and me manipilating the doctor, the below happened:
- I developed high blood pressure. (I now know that the reason most diabetics have high blood pressure is because of the sugar in your blood. So even though I didn't have high blood pressure at first, years of too high sugar levels made this happen)
- The tips of my fingers lost a lot of sensitivity. (Years of pricking myself to check my sugar, caused the tips of my fingers to harden. This is something that happens to all diabetics)
- Developed extra scabby skin on my feet. I have to keep my feet done. I won't even go into this, because I am sensitive about my feet.
- Vision got worse. Yeap..........
Now, other things happened as well..........
You see when your blood sugar is high or low you just don't feel good. Actually, you feel like crap. However, you become so used to feeling like crap that you don't even realize you don't feel good. Well diabeties also affects:
Your energy level
Your attitude
Your mood
I had NO energy. All I wanted to do was sit, but I couldn't so I would PUSH through. Well, pushing through no energy makes me irriatable! When your blood sugar isn't stable, meaning it spikes because you don't have it in check, your mood spikes with it. Now that my sugar is in check, people tell me how moody and how mean I was. It actually hurts me because those of you who really know me know that I am the opposite of mean. So for people to preceive me as mean hurts me deeply.
Okay, this post is geeting too long. I have so much more to say about my years as a diabetic, and how this disease affected me.............. I have some new not so good stories to tell ya'll......... Stay tuned.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
I hate the doctor's
Well, the doctor could see me the next day.
When I got there they took my blood pressure, and a lot of blood work. She also pricked my finger and listened to me tell her all of the issues I had been having. After it was all over, she said.... you are a diabetic. She was like, your fasting blood sugar is 187, which is high. I am going to put you on this one medicine until your blood work comes back in. When I have all of your blood work, we will meet and go over everything.
I was beyond devastated! I left feeling numb. The first person that I called was my friend Cher. Cher is my line sister from college and one of my closest dearest friends in the world. You can always count on Cher to keep it 100% honest with you, even when you aren't in the mood for it. Cher is also a Pharm. D, so any medicine I have to take, I always run it by her. It's nice to have your on personal pharmacist.
For some reason, I met Cher for lunch at Maggiono's. She was still in disbeleif too, and was adament that it was impossible for me to be a diabetic. Remember, the doctor had only listened to my symptoms and had only done a finger test. My official blood work wasn't back. I showed Cher my meds, and she told me all about the side effects and how one of them makes you pretty much have the runs.
My blood work was back. I met with the doctor, I was a diabetic. My A1C number was a 13 which is extremly high.
The doctor had me go to the diabetic nutrition class, blah, blah, blah.............
When I got there they took my blood pressure, and a lot of blood work. She also pricked my finger and listened to me tell her all of the issues I had been having. After it was all over, she said.... you are a diabetic. She was like, your fasting blood sugar is 187, which is high. I am going to put you on this one medicine until your blood work comes back in. When I have all of your blood work, we will meet and go over everything.
I was beyond devastated! I left feeling numb. The first person that I called was my friend Cher. Cher is my line sister from college and one of my closest dearest friends in the world. You can always count on Cher to keep it 100% honest with you, even when you aren't in the mood for it. Cher is also a Pharm. D, so any medicine I have to take, I always run it by her. It's nice to have your on personal pharmacist.
For some reason, I met Cher for lunch at Maggiono's. She was still in disbeleif too, and was adament that it was impossible for me to be a diabetic. Remember, the doctor had only listened to my symptoms and had only done a finger test. My official blood work wasn't back. I showed Cher my meds, and she told me all about the side effects and how one of them makes you pretty much have the runs.
My blood work was back. I met with the doctor, I was a diabetic. My A1C number was a 13 which is extremly high.
The doctor had me go to the diabetic nutrition class, blah, blah, blah.............
Still traveling.........
After Cancun, there were a few more trips....... Memphis, Bahamas Cruise, and Philly.
Let's see..... Memphis, was cool, good food but a lot of walking. We tried a lot of new restaurants, and saw some major tourist attractions. I got to go to Graceland.... I love Elvis (seriously). Shona went to the races on her own one night because it was just too much for me. I stayed in the room.
Philly....
Shona and I went to Philly to visit my cousins Robert and June. They are an older couple that have been married for over 60 years. They are so much fun, so full of energy and life, you honestly forget that they are in their late 70's early 80's. During this trip I got sick. I mean I didn't get sick to the point that people noticed, but I got sick till the point that it scared me.
You see the first night that we arrived, we took a limo ride to Deleware and ate at this nice seafood restaurant. While at the restaurant, I had trouble catching my breath, I felt honestly like I was dying. I excused myself from the table and went to the bathroom. I sat in one of the chairs and tried to catch my breath. I was also sweating really badly and my vision was blurred. I must have looked real crazy because a lady came in the restroom and asked if I was okay. Then she was like do you need an ambulance. I just sat for a few more minutes, finally caught my breath then I went back out with everyone else. I told my cousin, who is more like an Uncle that I was okay, just had a little cold. We ate and went on with everything.
To get to our room you had to walk up stairs. It was only a few stairs, but I had to stop in the middle of the stairway because I couldn't make it up all of them. My 80 year old cousin gets up every morning at 5 and walks 5 miles. LOL. He asked me if I wanted to join him. Yeah, right. I know it was his way of trying to address my weight. His wife (who I love) mentioned to me in casual conversation that her good friend who had a Ph.D was a diabetic and didn't take care of herself, now she is blind, and has lost one of her legs. She also mentioned that she had a lady friend from the church who had surgery and lost a bunch of weight. Now, I know Ms. June, she was talking to me without saying, Nicole we are worried.
Before we left for our next trip which was a cruise, I noticed some things. I noticed that my toes tingled a little. I noticed that I had less energy than normal. I also noticed that I was sleeping more and I was sweating really badly at night. I ignored everything, which is something that I am really good at. I remember one night I was eating a large gallon thing of ice cream, half way through I felt so sick, I started sweating really badly, and my head felt weird. I went to bed, it was probably 6:00PM, I didn't wake up again until 8:00AM, those of you that really know me, you know that I am a morning person and sleeping until 8:00AM is rare for me.
Well, time for the cruise. Notice, I haven't mentioned diet in a long time. That's because I wasn't on one anymore. Remember, that lady told me I didn't need to diet.
Shona, my friend Pam, and I left for the cruise. We drove to the port. On the cruise, I was more thirsty than normal. So, to quench my thirst, I had adult frozen drinks. Well, after a few of those, I noticed again, man I feel bad. On the way home from the cruise, I was driving, and I couldn't keep my eyes open. We had to pull over and Shona or Pam (I can't remember) had to drive. On the drive back I called my doctor's office and made an appointment.
I hate going to the doctor...............
Let's see..... Memphis, was cool, good food but a lot of walking. We tried a lot of new restaurants, and saw some major tourist attractions. I got to go to Graceland.... I love Elvis (seriously). Shona went to the races on her own one night because it was just too much for me. I stayed in the room.
Philly....
Shona and I went to Philly to visit my cousins Robert and June. They are an older couple that have been married for over 60 years. They are so much fun, so full of energy and life, you honestly forget that they are in their late 70's early 80's. During this trip I got sick. I mean I didn't get sick to the point that people noticed, but I got sick till the point that it scared me.
You see the first night that we arrived, we took a limo ride to Deleware and ate at this nice seafood restaurant. While at the restaurant, I had trouble catching my breath, I felt honestly like I was dying. I excused myself from the table and went to the bathroom. I sat in one of the chairs and tried to catch my breath. I was also sweating really badly and my vision was blurred. I must have looked real crazy because a lady came in the restroom and asked if I was okay. Then she was like do you need an ambulance. I just sat for a few more minutes, finally caught my breath then I went back out with everyone else. I told my cousin, who is more like an Uncle that I was okay, just had a little cold. We ate and went on with everything.
To get to our room you had to walk up stairs. It was only a few stairs, but I had to stop in the middle of the stairway because I couldn't make it up all of them. My 80 year old cousin gets up every morning at 5 and walks 5 miles. LOL. He asked me if I wanted to join him. Yeah, right. I know it was his way of trying to address my weight. His wife (who I love) mentioned to me in casual conversation that her good friend who had a Ph.D was a diabetic and didn't take care of herself, now she is blind, and has lost one of her legs. She also mentioned that she had a lady friend from the church who had surgery and lost a bunch of weight. Now, I know Ms. June, she was talking to me without saying, Nicole we are worried.
Before we left for our next trip which was a cruise, I noticed some things. I noticed that my toes tingled a little. I noticed that I had less energy than normal. I also noticed that I was sleeping more and I was sweating really badly at night. I ignored everything, which is something that I am really good at. I remember one night I was eating a large gallon thing of ice cream, half way through I felt so sick, I started sweating really badly, and my head felt weird. I went to bed, it was probably 6:00PM, I didn't wake up again until 8:00AM, those of you that really know me, you know that I am a morning person and sleeping until 8:00AM is rare for me.
Well, time for the cruise. Notice, I haven't mentioned diet in a long time. That's because I wasn't on one anymore. Remember, that lady told me I didn't need to diet.
Shona, my friend Pam, and I left for the cruise. We drove to the port. On the cruise, I was more thirsty than normal. So, to quench my thirst, I had adult frozen drinks. Well, after a few of those, I noticed again, man I feel bad. On the way home from the cruise, I was driving, and I couldn't keep my eyes open. We had to pull over and Shona or Pam (I can't remember) had to drive. On the drive back I called my doctor's office and made an appointment.
I hate going to the doctor...............
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Traveling.....
That summer, Shona and I were really traveling. We would wake up, decide we were bored, get online and book a trip.
Let me start with our Cancun trip. We rarely sat next to each other on the planes, Shona would be like, we don't have to sit together, and I wanted so badly to tell her, I need you to sit next to me........ but that pride is a crazy thing. I was too proud to tell my sister the following:
- I have to get a seat belt extension
- The arm rest doesn't go down, so if the person next to me wants to let it down, I sit in pain the entire ride.
- I am so big I really need two seats, so I have to sit forward so I won't smush the person next to me.
But, I didn't tell her, I just suffered. You may be asking yourself, what would telling her have done? Well, she wouldn't have cared if I needed the arm rest up. She is smaller so I would have had the arm rest up, plus a few inches from her seat, and she wouldn't have cared if our shoulders touched. A stranger does not want to ride on a plane for 3 to 4 hours with someone and be practically sitting in their lap the entire time.
So ALL plane rides were miserable. They became so miserable that I finally just stopped traveling. I made up lies as to why I couldn't. But the real reason was.......... I was just too big. Okay, now moving on with the story.
Don't get me wrong! I had a blast in Cancun, but it was a limited blast. There were so many things I wanted to do, but physically I just couldn't. Shona went to the ruins, God I so badly wanted to go, but I knew I couldn't. This soon became a trend. The trend became, me wanting so badly to explore, to do things, but not being able to, so I just didn't. I pretended it didn't interest me. I would even say....... You go ahead, that really doesn't interest me.
Shona and I got into a fight on that trip too. We sure did and it was a weight related fight. We were on the bus in Cancun and it was something one of us wanted to do, and I couldn't because of my weight and she said something and it struck a personal nerve. When I say a personal nerve, I mean, it really had nothing to do with Shona, it had everything to do with Nicole. Shona was just the innocent by stander who got caught in the fight, because she was the one that was there. As I blog, you all will notice that poor Shona ends up being the innocent person that takes the venting a lot. It's hard to believe that she has still hung around and stuck all this out with me.
Well, I gave Shona a piece of my mind. I let her know that I weighed over 300 pounds and I couldn't and she didn't understand because she wasn't fat. Trust me, that Shona will give it back to me, so she told me her thoughts. It is funny now.
I actually came home from Cancun a day early. Not because Shona and I had an arguement. The fight just lasted the bus ride, we were done when we finished riding the bus. I honeslty came home because I was miserable and uncomfortable and couldn't take anymore!
I came home digusted, hurting, miserable, and dying on the inside. I felt hopeless..... So I did what I do best I ate.
That was the best part of traveling back home. I had a lay over in Houston, so I got to eat American food. You see, I did not eat much in Cancun because I didn't care for the food. So, when I got to the Houston airport, I put it DOWN!!! Me putting it down at the resturants in at the airport almost caused me to miss my connection flight. Seriously, I almost didn't make it. My legs were so big that I could barely walk to my terminal and pull my luggage. I was practically in tears, I was sweating. That walk was so painful. I made it with no time to spare.
I came home, feeling defeated. I put on my happy face, acted as if all was well, and kept moving. I kept living out the outside, but inside, I was dead......
Let me start with our Cancun trip. We rarely sat next to each other on the planes, Shona would be like, we don't have to sit together, and I wanted so badly to tell her, I need you to sit next to me........ but that pride is a crazy thing. I was too proud to tell my sister the following:
- I have to get a seat belt extension
- The arm rest doesn't go down, so if the person next to me wants to let it down, I sit in pain the entire ride.
- I am so big I really need two seats, so I have to sit forward so I won't smush the person next to me.
But, I didn't tell her, I just suffered. You may be asking yourself, what would telling her have done? Well, she wouldn't have cared if I needed the arm rest up. She is smaller so I would have had the arm rest up, plus a few inches from her seat, and she wouldn't have cared if our shoulders touched. A stranger does not want to ride on a plane for 3 to 4 hours with someone and be practically sitting in their lap the entire time.
So ALL plane rides were miserable. They became so miserable that I finally just stopped traveling. I made up lies as to why I couldn't. But the real reason was.......... I was just too big. Okay, now moving on with the story.
Don't get me wrong! I had a blast in Cancun, but it was a limited blast. There were so many things I wanted to do, but physically I just couldn't. Shona went to the ruins, God I so badly wanted to go, but I knew I couldn't. This soon became a trend. The trend became, me wanting so badly to explore, to do things, but not being able to, so I just didn't. I pretended it didn't interest me. I would even say....... You go ahead, that really doesn't interest me.
Shona and I got into a fight on that trip too. We sure did and it was a weight related fight. We were on the bus in Cancun and it was something one of us wanted to do, and I couldn't because of my weight and she said something and it struck a personal nerve. When I say a personal nerve, I mean, it really had nothing to do with Shona, it had everything to do with Nicole. Shona was just the innocent by stander who got caught in the fight, because she was the one that was there. As I blog, you all will notice that poor Shona ends up being the innocent person that takes the venting a lot. It's hard to believe that she has still hung around and stuck all this out with me.
Well, I gave Shona a piece of my mind. I let her know that I weighed over 300 pounds and I couldn't and she didn't understand because she wasn't fat. Trust me, that Shona will give it back to me, so she told me her thoughts. It is funny now.
I actually came home from Cancun a day early. Not because Shona and I had an arguement. The fight just lasted the bus ride, we were done when we finished riding the bus. I honeslty came home because I was miserable and uncomfortable and couldn't take anymore!
I came home digusted, hurting, miserable, and dying on the inside. I felt hopeless..... So I did what I do best I ate.
That was the best part of traveling back home. I had a lay over in Houston, so I got to eat American food. You see, I did not eat much in Cancun because I didn't care for the food. So, when I got to the Houston airport, I put it DOWN!!! Me putting it down at the resturants in at the airport almost caused me to miss my connection flight. Seriously, I almost didn't make it. My legs were so big that I could barely walk to my terminal and pull my luggage. I was practically in tears, I was sweating. That walk was so painful. I made it with no time to spare.
I came home, feeling defeated. I put on my happy face, acted as if all was well, and kept moving. I kept living out the outside, but inside, I was dead......
Getting it together
Well, I was cleaning up my life. I had actually lost weight, and really wasn't trying. I was on my way, now I had to clean up this money mess I had made. While I had been binging, I had been ignoring other things, things that were important.
Let me start off with this........ I HATE mail. I have been known to go to the mailbox, look through the mail, then put it back in the mailbox. I don't open it, I just make a special place and stack it up until the feeling hits me and I decide to open it. Well, while I was binging, I did just that! I ignored the bills as they came, I just pretended they didn't exist.
When I finally did open the mail, the bills were just crazy. Now, naturally, I paid attention to the obvious bills, but the other bills, I just let add up. I knew I was spending out of control, but I had credit and I used that credit. I had been sending in the minimum payment, and not even taking the time to see how much I was in debt or how much interest I was paying. When I started digging into the debt, it wasn't pretty. So I did what I do best, I went extreme. I went from spending to not spending. I used coupons, I got rid of my expensive nice luxary car and got me a nice inexpensive ford taurus. I pretty much sat at home! It is funny now, when people would call me I would say...."I am practicing my new life style." My new lifestyle was doing nothing but watching every penny I spent. Well, with me it is all or nothing, so when I went so extreme with my money, I finally ended up breaking. Well, I didn't break with the money, I loosened up and spent a little again, and re-did my budget and gave myself a little wiggle room.
But, I broke down again and started binging. I now wonder if my extreme new life style caused me to break. I wonder if putting so much restriction on my budget caused me to rebel in some fashion or another. I can be so extreme and controlling at times. I like to be in total control of everything. I now think that when I am not in total control, I get frustrated and just say "bump it" and I give up all control.
I binged and binged, and I kept it hid. People would say, you don't eat much, I don't know why you are big. I now laugh because I ate more than anyone would have ever guessed, I just hid it. I would go out with friends and eat only a little, I would even eat something healthy. Then, when I was alone, I would eat in massive amounts. I would go to resturants sit down and eat, then order take out like it was someone else. LOL. It was for me. Just crazy stuff. I lied to people about food, about what I ate? Why? Who does that? Well, I did. And looking back, it seems so silly. Of all the things to lie about, why lie about FOOD?
Years and years of binging, yo-yo dieting, etc. Finally took a toll on me. It should have been the best times, but.................
Let me start off with this........ I HATE mail. I have been known to go to the mailbox, look through the mail, then put it back in the mailbox. I don't open it, I just make a special place and stack it up until the feeling hits me and I decide to open it. Well, while I was binging, I did just that! I ignored the bills as they came, I just pretended they didn't exist.
When I finally did open the mail, the bills were just crazy. Now, naturally, I paid attention to the obvious bills, but the other bills, I just let add up. I knew I was spending out of control, but I had credit and I used that credit. I had been sending in the minimum payment, and not even taking the time to see how much I was in debt or how much interest I was paying. When I started digging into the debt, it wasn't pretty. So I did what I do best, I went extreme. I went from spending to not spending. I used coupons, I got rid of my expensive nice luxary car and got me a nice inexpensive ford taurus. I pretty much sat at home! It is funny now, when people would call me I would say...."I am practicing my new life style." My new lifestyle was doing nothing but watching every penny I spent. Well, with me it is all or nothing, so when I went so extreme with my money, I finally ended up breaking. Well, I didn't break with the money, I loosened up and spent a little again, and re-did my budget and gave myself a little wiggle room.
But, I broke down again and started binging. I now wonder if my extreme new life style caused me to break. I wonder if putting so much restriction on my budget caused me to rebel in some fashion or another. I can be so extreme and controlling at times. I like to be in total control of everything. I now think that when I am not in total control, I get frustrated and just say "bump it" and I give up all control.
I binged and binged, and I kept it hid. People would say, you don't eat much, I don't know why you are big. I now laugh because I ate more than anyone would have ever guessed, I just hid it. I would go out with friends and eat only a little, I would even eat something healthy. Then, when I was alone, I would eat in massive amounts. I would go to resturants sit down and eat, then order take out like it was someone else. LOL. It was for me. Just crazy stuff. I lied to people about food, about what I ate? Why? Who does that? Well, I did. And looking back, it seems so silly. Of all the things to lie about, why lie about FOOD?
Years and years of binging, yo-yo dieting, etc. Finally took a toll on me. It should have been the best times, but.................
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