That summer, Shona and I were really traveling. We would wake up, decide we were bored, get online and book a trip.
Let me start with our Cancun trip. We rarely sat next to each other on the planes, Shona would be like, we don't have to sit together, and I wanted so badly to tell her, I need you to sit next to me........ but that pride is a crazy thing. I was too proud to tell my sister the following:
- I have to get a seat belt extension
- The arm rest doesn't go down, so if the person next to me wants to let it down, I sit in pain the entire ride.
- I am so big I really need two seats, so I have to sit forward so I won't smush the person next to me.
But, I didn't tell her, I just suffered. You may be asking yourself, what would telling her have done? Well, she wouldn't have cared if I needed the arm rest up. She is smaller so I would have had the arm rest up, plus a few inches from her seat, and she wouldn't have cared if our shoulders touched. A stranger does not want to ride on a plane for 3 to 4 hours with someone and be practically sitting in their lap the entire time.
So ALL plane rides were miserable. They became so miserable that I finally just stopped traveling. I made up lies as to why I couldn't. But the real reason was.......... I was just too big. Okay, now moving on with the story.
Don't get me wrong! I had a blast in Cancun, but it was a limited blast. There were so many things I wanted to do, but physically I just couldn't. Shona went to the ruins, God I so badly wanted to go, but I knew I couldn't. This soon became a trend. The trend became, me wanting so badly to explore, to do things, but not being able to, so I just didn't. I pretended it didn't interest me. I would even say....... You go ahead, that really doesn't interest me.
Shona and I got into a fight on that trip too. We sure did and it was a weight related fight. We were on the bus in Cancun and it was something one of us wanted to do, and I couldn't because of my weight and she said something and it struck a personal nerve. When I say a personal nerve, I mean, it really had nothing to do with Shona, it had everything to do with Nicole. Shona was just the innocent by stander who got caught in the fight, because she was the one that was there. As I blog, you all will notice that poor Shona ends up being the innocent person that takes the venting a lot. It's hard to believe that she has still hung around and stuck all this out with me.
Well, I gave Shona a piece of my mind. I let her know that I weighed over 300 pounds and I couldn't and she didn't understand because she wasn't fat. Trust me, that Shona will give it back to me, so she told me her thoughts. It is funny now.
I actually came home from Cancun a day early. Not because Shona and I had an arguement. The fight just lasted the bus ride, we were done when we finished riding the bus. I honeslty came home because I was miserable and uncomfortable and couldn't take anymore!
I came home digusted, hurting, miserable, and dying on the inside. I felt hopeless..... So I did what I do best I ate.
That was the best part of traveling back home. I had a lay over in Houston, so I got to eat American food. You see, I did not eat much in Cancun because I didn't care for the food. So, when I got to the Houston airport, I put it DOWN!!! Me putting it down at the resturants in at the airport almost caused me to miss my connection flight. Seriously, I almost didn't make it. My legs were so big that I could barely walk to my terminal and pull my luggage. I was practically in tears, I was sweating. That walk was so painful. I made it with no time to spare.
I came home, feeling defeated. I put on my happy face, acted as if all was well, and kept moving. I kept living out the outside, but inside, I was dead......
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Getting it together
Well, I was cleaning up my life. I had actually lost weight, and really wasn't trying. I was on my way, now I had to clean up this money mess I had made. While I had been binging, I had been ignoring other things, things that were important.
Let me start off with this........ I HATE mail. I have been known to go to the mailbox, look through the mail, then put it back in the mailbox. I don't open it, I just make a special place and stack it up until the feeling hits me and I decide to open it. Well, while I was binging, I did just that! I ignored the bills as they came, I just pretended they didn't exist.
When I finally did open the mail, the bills were just crazy. Now, naturally, I paid attention to the obvious bills, but the other bills, I just let add up. I knew I was spending out of control, but I had credit and I used that credit. I had been sending in the minimum payment, and not even taking the time to see how much I was in debt or how much interest I was paying. When I started digging into the debt, it wasn't pretty. So I did what I do best, I went extreme. I went from spending to not spending. I used coupons, I got rid of my expensive nice luxary car and got me a nice inexpensive ford taurus. I pretty much sat at home! It is funny now, when people would call me I would say...."I am practicing my new life style." My new lifestyle was doing nothing but watching every penny I spent. Well, with me it is all or nothing, so when I went so extreme with my money, I finally ended up breaking. Well, I didn't break with the money, I loosened up and spent a little again, and re-did my budget and gave myself a little wiggle room.
But, I broke down again and started binging. I now wonder if my extreme new life style caused me to break. I wonder if putting so much restriction on my budget caused me to rebel in some fashion or another. I can be so extreme and controlling at times. I like to be in total control of everything. I now think that when I am not in total control, I get frustrated and just say "bump it" and I give up all control.
I binged and binged, and I kept it hid. People would say, you don't eat much, I don't know why you are big. I now laugh because I ate more than anyone would have ever guessed, I just hid it. I would go out with friends and eat only a little, I would even eat something healthy. Then, when I was alone, I would eat in massive amounts. I would go to resturants sit down and eat, then order take out like it was someone else. LOL. It was for me. Just crazy stuff. I lied to people about food, about what I ate? Why? Who does that? Well, I did. And looking back, it seems so silly. Of all the things to lie about, why lie about FOOD?
Years and years of binging, yo-yo dieting, etc. Finally took a toll on me. It should have been the best times, but.................
Let me start off with this........ I HATE mail. I have been known to go to the mailbox, look through the mail, then put it back in the mailbox. I don't open it, I just make a special place and stack it up until the feeling hits me and I decide to open it. Well, while I was binging, I did just that! I ignored the bills as they came, I just pretended they didn't exist.
When I finally did open the mail, the bills were just crazy. Now, naturally, I paid attention to the obvious bills, but the other bills, I just let add up. I knew I was spending out of control, but I had credit and I used that credit. I had been sending in the minimum payment, and not even taking the time to see how much I was in debt or how much interest I was paying. When I started digging into the debt, it wasn't pretty. So I did what I do best, I went extreme. I went from spending to not spending. I used coupons, I got rid of my expensive nice luxary car and got me a nice inexpensive ford taurus. I pretty much sat at home! It is funny now, when people would call me I would say...."I am practicing my new life style." My new lifestyle was doing nothing but watching every penny I spent. Well, with me it is all or nothing, so when I went so extreme with my money, I finally ended up breaking. Well, I didn't break with the money, I loosened up and spent a little again, and re-did my budget and gave myself a little wiggle room.
But, I broke down again and started binging. I now wonder if my extreme new life style caused me to break. I wonder if putting so much restriction on my budget caused me to rebel in some fashion or another. I can be so extreme and controlling at times. I like to be in total control of everything. I now think that when I am not in total control, I get frustrated and just say "bump it" and I give up all control.
I binged and binged, and I kept it hid. People would say, you don't eat much, I don't know why you are big. I now laugh because I ate more than anyone would have ever guessed, I just hid it. I would go out with friends and eat only a little, I would even eat something healthy. Then, when I was alone, I would eat in massive amounts. I would go to resturants sit down and eat, then order take out like it was someone else. LOL. It was for me. Just crazy stuff. I lied to people about food, about what I ate? Why? Who does that? Well, I did. And looking back, it seems so silly. Of all the things to lie about, why lie about FOOD?
Years and years of binging, yo-yo dieting, etc. Finally took a toll on me. It should have been the best times, but.................
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Reality Hit
Well, "That Lady" told me that I should not deprieve myself, because that sends me into binges. So, I didn't deprieve myself. Actutally, I did well for a while. I didn't binge, I didn't take laxatives, I didn't throw up, I didn't do anything extreme. I guess I was somewhat normal for a little while.
While I was NORMAL, my head was clear. I wrote in a journal (another suggestion from the lady), and I organized my life. Boy was it a mess! Those binges were expensive, buying clothes to fit my body because of the binges were expensive. All the shoes, purses, jewlrey, and food had added up! Hell, I didn't realize it, but I was in DEBT! Looking back, in one of my journals, I had spent in one day $150.00 just on food. (And there were plenty of days that I did this, I just didn't document it) WHOA! At this point in my life I don't spend that on food in two weeks! In one day, I spent roughly $150.00 bucks. That is INSANE! Okay, you can close your mouth now. I went to Mrs. Winners for an early breakfast and had two steak biscuits, and a cinnimon swirl. Then, I met my buddy BG around 1030AM at Ihop and I had an omlet with pancakes. When I left there I went to the grocery store, where I purchased, chips, cookies, etc. and spent roughly 25.00. (Yes, I ate all the junk before I went to bed). For lunch, around 200PM, I went to the Corner Cafe and had wings, all flats with onion rings and a drink. Afterwards, I went into Shannon Mall and bought 2 double dooizes from the cookie company ( I finished them off before I made it back home). That evening, Shona and I went to Long Horn where I had an appetizer, and a ribeye steak meal, with fried cheesecake. Yeap, sit and total it all, you will get rougly $150.00. Sad part is.......... I had a lot of days like this. Well, these binges over the course of a few years, plus the cost of the doctor's visits to get my drugs, plus the cost of new clothes, to fit my body.(Cause everybody know's Nicole likes clothes at any size and hates wearing the same thing) put me in a bind. It wasn't until I got clean that I realized the other side effects of my drug. I was in debt. We are talking real debt. I had department store credit cards, I had major bank credit cards, that added up to the tune of over 25,000 bucks. Yeap.
Well, I was in school, and for my doctoral degree I had to take out student loans. The IRS has never been my friend. I had a car note, hosptial bills, mortgage, and major credit card bills. No wonder I stayed high on my drug (food)! With a clear mind I was able to see the damage I had done.
How the heck was I going to fix this mess. Well, I did it the only way Nicole Anderson Keith knew how. I used Nicole's logic. I went to the extreme.
While I was NORMAL, my head was clear. I wrote in a journal (another suggestion from the lady), and I organized my life. Boy was it a mess! Those binges were expensive, buying clothes to fit my body because of the binges were expensive. All the shoes, purses, jewlrey, and food had added up! Hell, I didn't realize it, but I was in DEBT! Looking back, in one of my journals, I had spent in one day $150.00 just on food. (And there were plenty of days that I did this, I just didn't document it) WHOA! At this point in my life I don't spend that on food in two weeks! In one day, I spent roughly $150.00 bucks. That is INSANE! Okay, you can close your mouth now. I went to Mrs. Winners for an early breakfast and had two steak biscuits, and a cinnimon swirl. Then, I met my buddy BG around 1030AM at Ihop and I had an omlet with pancakes. When I left there I went to the grocery store, where I purchased, chips, cookies, etc. and spent roughly 25.00. (Yes, I ate all the junk before I went to bed). For lunch, around 200PM, I went to the Corner Cafe and had wings, all flats with onion rings and a drink. Afterwards, I went into Shannon Mall and bought 2 double dooizes from the cookie company ( I finished them off before I made it back home). That evening, Shona and I went to Long Horn where I had an appetizer, and a ribeye steak meal, with fried cheesecake. Yeap, sit and total it all, you will get rougly $150.00. Sad part is.......... I had a lot of days like this. Well, these binges over the course of a few years, plus the cost of the doctor's visits to get my drugs, plus the cost of new clothes, to fit my body.(Cause everybody know's Nicole likes clothes at any size and hates wearing the same thing) put me in a bind. It wasn't until I got clean that I realized the other side effects of my drug. I was in debt. We are talking real debt. I had department store credit cards, I had major bank credit cards, that added up to the tune of over 25,000 bucks. Yeap.
Well, I was in school, and for my doctoral degree I had to take out student loans. The IRS has never been my friend. I had a car note, hosptial bills, mortgage, and major credit card bills. No wonder I stayed high on my drug (food)! With a clear mind I was able to see the damage I had done.
How the heck was I going to fix this mess. Well, I did it the only way Nicole Anderson Keith knew how. I used Nicole's logic. I went to the extreme.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Never simple
Things with me are rarely simple. I mean, in my mind things are clear, they are black and white. However, I can from time to time leave the people who love me scratching their heads. On the outside, I appear to be the same all the time, I appear to be simple, easy going, etc. However; there can be moments in my life where I am implusive. There are moments where I can become super extreme, and there are moments that I can just hear what Nicole wants to hear!!!
Well, I went to see the shrink. I don't know her name because I honestly called her, "THAT LADY" whenever I made any type of reference to anyone about her. Actually, now that I look back, I treated that entire experience as if it were joke, and I got jokingly results.
I went and saw, "That Lady" around 3 or 4 times. The first visit resulted in me spending an hour answering questions and explaining what happened at Ridgeview and how that plain Jan looking lady "TRIED ME." It was also spent with me explaining how I really didn't have a problem and how the entrie situation was blown way up!
The next visit, I literally just sat on the couch and didn't say too much. Wasn't much for me to say, "That Lady" was like so, Nicole, tell my why you think you are here. And Nicole was pretty much like, if I knew I wouldn't be here and you are the professional you tell me. That session was a waste of my insurance money. The next session she tried a different method and had a bunch of questions for me, I answered them, then I began to talk. I talked about my eating and dieting habits. I talked about my goals, my asperations, and how I plan pretty much everything out. I sort of talked about "my ways" and for those of you who know me, you know that when Nicole sets her mind out to do something she goes all or nothing. I went back to see the lady one more time.
Did I get anything out of it? You bet I did...........
Out of everything that lady talked to me about, I got this out of it...... Nicole you are an extremist, and whatever you do you do it to the extreme. With your type of personality you should never go on a diet, because what you do is, you deny, you deny, you deny, you make it so hard that you finally break down and when you do...... you binge then you feel guilty then you get rid of it.
Was she worth the insurance money? Yeap, cause I haven't abused laxatives, nor thrown up since. And, I took the opportunity for about two years to never watch what I ate because, that lady told me that I should never diet.
Well.............. that created a new set of issues......
Well, I went to see the shrink. I don't know her name because I honestly called her, "THAT LADY" whenever I made any type of reference to anyone about her. Actually, now that I look back, I treated that entire experience as if it were joke, and I got jokingly results.
I went and saw, "That Lady" around 3 or 4 times. The first visit resulted in me spending an hour answering questions and explaining what happened at Ridgeview and how that plain Jan looking lady "TRIED ME." It was also spent with me explaining how I really didn't have a problem and how the entrie situation was blown way up!
The next visit, I literally just sat on the couch and didn't say too much. Wasn't much for me to say, "That Lady" was like so, Nicole, tell my why you think you are here. And Nicole was pretty much like, if I knew I wouldn't be here and you are the professional you tell me. That session was a waste of my insurance money. The next session she tried a different method and had a bunch of questions for me, I answered them, then I began to talk. I talked about my eating and dieting habits. I talked about my goals, my asperations, and how I plan pretty much everything out. I sort of talked about "my ways" and for those of you who know me, you know that when Nicole sets her mind out to do something she goes all or nothing. I went back to see the lady one more time.
Did I get anything out of it? You bet I did...........
Out of everything that lady talked to me about, I got this out of it...... Nicole you are an extremist, and whatever you do you do it to the extreme. With your type of personality you should never go on a diet, because what you do is, you deny, you deny, you deny, you make it so hard that you finally break down and when you do...... you binge then you feel guilty then you get rid of it.
Was she worth the insurance money? Yeap, cause I haven't abused laxatives, nor thrown up since. And, I took the opportunity for about two years to never watch what I ate because, that lady told me that I should never diet.
Well.............. that created a new set of issues......
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Ridgeview..........
At this point, I was back in Newnan working at Arnall Middle School, teaching 7th grade math. I know longer waited tables, and I was working on my Doctoral degree. I had purchased a home in Union City and I was on my way to becoming an assistant principal. Career wise, I was on track, but my personal life was off track.
I made the appointment, they sent me all this info to read before my appointment. I remember going to the mall the day of my appointment. I went to Southlake Mall, I didn't want to go to that stupid appointment, and I thought of every reason in the world that I should not go. At the mall before my appointment I ate a chocolate chip double doozie.(Don't know how I remember that but I do) I hadn't had anything "bad" for me since the emergency room visit, nor had I binged, nor had I made myself throw-up. See, I didn't have a problem, it had been a week. So, why did I need to go to that stupid appointment.
I spoke to Shona on my ride to Ridgeview. I kept telling her how stupid it was and how I didn't see why I was even going. Well........... I got there...... and immediately turned my nose up. I filled out some papers and waited. Then I went to the back area, filled out more papers and waited. Then I met this lady, she looked to be in her late 20's early 30's. The asked me a lot of questions........ had me fill out this long sheet full of questions....... Then I waited again while they reviewed my info. I answered most of the questions honestly. Okay, I am lying, I lied on most of the questions. Once again........ I am not stupid and I knew that if I had answered those questions honestly, they would have admitted me. So, I sort of fudged the truth and made my problem seem less that what I know now it really was.
That plain Jane looking lady with the stringy looking brown hair and the skin that needed sun or a tanning bed came back into the room with me. She started talking........ honestly, I don't remember too much of what she said because I was giving her plain looking self a much needed make over in my head. Then she said something that really pissed me off and stopped my mind from making her over! She said....... I see you have a very expensive bag.... buying expensive things won't fix your problem. That bag I know cost over $300.00 and it won't make you happy, it only will make things worse. You look as if you..................... blah blah blah, she said some more BS about spending money and my purse isn't going to make my problems go away.
Really! She didn't know me. It was a dooney and burke bag. WOW! In my mind I am like, you plain country bumpkin. How dare she judge me off one purse. How dare she........ well that was it. I was done, my 4 hour appointment lasted 2 hours because Nicole blew that joint. Yeap, I sure did.......... I nicely gave that lady a piece of my mind, and I got my dooney and burke purse and walked out of that stupid Ridgeview place.
I didn't need that place because there wasn't anything wrong with me. I didn't call anybody until I got home. Then I hyped up my situation the way only Nicole Anderson Keith could. I told Shona all about the country bumpkin lady. I told my mom and Joe (my boyfriend during all of this, God rest his soul) too........... It is funny...... I remember Shona discussing how the lady needed to see my closet and see the other Dooney bag's and the Coach bag's too. Whatever.
Then Shona asked me, so what are you going to do. I remember promising to go see a counsler. I am a woman of my word. I went........ But it was an event too........
I made the appointment, they sent me all this info to read before my appointment. I remember going to the mall the day of my appointment. I went to Southlake Mall, I didn't want to go to that stupid appointment, and I thought of every reason in the world that I should not go. At the mall before my appointment I ate a chocolate chip double doozie.(Don't know how I remember that but I do) I hadn't had anything "bad" for me since the emergency room visit, nor had I binged, nor had I made myself throw-up. See, I didn't have a problem, it had been a week. So, why did I need to go to that stupid appointment.
I spoke to Shona on my ride to Ridgeview. I kept telling her how stupid it was and how I didn't see why I was even going. Well........... I got there...... and immediately turned my nose up. I filled out some papers and waited. Then I went to the back area, filled out more papers and waited. Then I met this lady, she looked to be in her late 20's early 30's. The asked me a lot of questions........ had me fill out this long sheet full of questions....... Then I waited again while they reviewed my info. I answered most of the questions honestly. Okay, I am lying, I lied on most of the questions. Once again........ I am not stupid and I knew that if I had answered those questions honestly, they would have admitted me. So, I sort of fudged the truth and made my problem seem less that what I know now it really was.
That plain Jane looking lady with the stringy looking brown hair and the skin that needed sun or a tanning bed came back into the room with me. She started talking........ honestly, I don't remember too much of what she said because I was giving her plain looking self a much needed make over in my head. Then she said something that really pissed me off and stopped my mind from making her over! She said....... I see you have a very expensive bag.... buying expensive things won't fix your problem. That bag I know cost over $300.00 and it won't make you happy, it only will make things worse. You look as if you..................... blah blah blah, she said some more BS about spending money and my purse isn't going to make my problems go away.
Really! She didn't know me. It was a dooney and burke bag. WOW! In my mind I am like, you plain country bumpkin. How dare she judge me off one purse. How dare she........ well that was it. I was done, my 4 hour appointment lasted 2 hours because Nicole blew that joint. Yeap, I sure did.......... I nicely gave that lady a piece of my mind, and I got my dooney and burke purse and walked out of that stupid Ridgeview place.
I didn't need that place because there wasn't anything wrong with me. I didn't call anybody until I got home. Then I hyped up my situation the way only Nicole Anderson Keith could. I told Shona all about the country bumpkin lady. I told my mom and Joe (my boyfriend during all of this, God rest his soul) too........... It is funny...... I remember Shona discussing how the lady needed to see my closet and see the other Dooney bag's and the Coach bag's too. Whatever.
Then Shona asked me, so what are you going to do. I remember promising to go see a counsler. I am a woman of my word. I went........ But it was an event too........
The emergency room......
My laxative taking, throwing up habit only got worse. I would binge then throw up. When I say binge, I mean binge. I would eat up to 10,000 calories in one sitting, here's an example of something I ate March 2003, (I found this in an old journal).......... Big Mac, large fry, two apple pies, two buritto supreme's, nacho bell grande, Mr. Goodbar. I ate all of that in one sitting. Here's another one.......... Med. supreme pizza from domino's, cheese sticks, box of thin mints. Yes, I ate all of that in one sitting as well. Good part, I didn't gain any weight because I got rid of it all.
Well, one Saturday, my friend Dee B. and I drove to Augusta to see our friend Tawana's new baby boy. I drove...... on the way down, we stopped at Krystal in Lithonia. My stomach didn't feel right, so I didn't eat anything eles that day. On the way back, I was feeling just okay. My stomach wasn't right, but I was okay. I was driving and we are talking and clowning like normal. All of a sudden, sharp pains hit me. The pain came from my back and shot all the way around to my stomach, my chest, every where. I had to pull over and let Dee drive. Once I got home, I crawled into the bed. I honestly couldn't even stand up straight. As the evening went on the pains got worse and I started throwing up. I was heaving, it was horrible. Around mid-night, I couldn't take it anymore and called my then best friend Shona (you will see by the end of this blog why I said then best friend). I woke Shona up, she was at my house within minutes, but those minutes seemed like hours. As she drove, I moaned, I moved from side to side, the pain was literally unbearable. We made it to the emergency room, Shona drove like a bat out of hell and got us the quickly. I was in so much pain I didn't have to wait in the waiting room, they took me to the back area ASAP. This is where I got exposed!
Shona wouldn't leave my side. I was in so much pain it was hard for me to talk. I tried my best to tell Shona she didn't have to come back with me, but she wouldn't leave my side. They had given me a pan to hold since I kept throwing up. At this point I was throwing up blood..... I looked over at Shona and tears were coming out of her eyes. The nurse started asking me A LOT of questions. I had two options....... option A) Lie, and pray they could still figure out what was wrong with me option B) Tell the truth and become expose. Being that I am not dumb, I went with option B. The nurse asked me what medicines I took. I told the truth and mentioned the diet pills that I popped from time to time. Shona looked surprised because those pills kept me up all night and I had promised her I wouldn't take them anymore. I mentioned the laxatives, oh yeah, I mentioned making myself throw up. Uh-oh! Ding! I actually said it outloud. I admitted this to people.
The put an IV in me, I had thrown up so much nothing else would come out. I begged Shona not to call my parents, not yet. We stayed in that hospital for hours. I mean HOURS. All night, we didn't leave until Sunday morning. In the end, they fixed me up, explained what was wrong, gave me some medicine, told me that I had bulimia.
They said I had IBS, stomach ulcers, and I was dehydrated. They mentioned that they thought that I might have some severe esophageal problems and that I should follow up with my PCP as soon as possible. They also mentioned that I needed to get help for my eating disorder.
Eating disorder???????? HUH? What were they talking about. I don't have an eating disorder! Why do they keep talking about bulimia? I am a black female, I can't have bulimia. We don't get that. They don't know what they are talking about!
Well, Shona gave me a deadline to tell my parents or she was going to do it. She also stood by me through the entire process and is still standing by me. That is why she isn't my best friend, she is my sister. If it wasn't for her that night, if it wasn't for how she supported me then and supports me now, I don't know if I would have made it through that ordeal. She told me what I didn't want to hear, through the entire process....... she told me the truth, no matter how raw and uncensored it was.
Back to the blog...... My PCP ordered a lot of test, did a lot of lecturing, and ordered me to go to this place called Ridgeview for a test. What a minute.... Ridgeview. I was a teacher, I know what Ridgeview is. It is a place where crazy people go. No ma'am, I ain't going there. Nope! Not me!
My PCP gave me all this info on Bulimia.... my PCP kept using that bulimia word too. It really got on my nerves that people kept using that word when they talked to me...............
My PCP also suggested that I get help for my problem. In Nicole's mind, I didn't have a problem. Everybody who thought I had a problem, were the people with the problem.
My mother made sure I called Ridgeview and set up that stupid appointment. Yes, I called the appointment stupid. Shona kept saying....... you are going so stop complaining and stop calling it stupid. I went alright...... And for those of you that know Nicole Keith, you know the appointment wasn't smooth and easy.
Well, one Saturday, my friend Dee B. and I drove to Augusta to see our friend Tawana's new baby boy. I drove...... on the way down, we stopped at Krystal in Lithonia. My stomach didn't feel right, so I didn't eat anything eles that day. On the way back, I was feeling just okay. My stomach wasn't right, but I was okay. I was driving and we are talking and clowning like normal. All of a sudden, sharp pains hit me. The pain came from my back and shot all the way around to my stomach, my chest, every where. I had to pull over and let Dee drive. Once I got home, I crawled into the bed. I honestly couldn't even stand up straight. As the evening went on the pains got worse and I started throwing up. I was heaving, it was horrible. Around mid-night, I couldn't take it anymore and called my then best friend Shona (you will see by the end of this blog why I said then best friend). I woke Shona up, she was at my house within minutes, but those minutes seemed like hours. As she drove, I moaned, I moved from side to side, the pain was literally unbearable. We made it to the emergency room, Shona drove like a bat out of hell and got us the quickly. I was in so much pain I didn't have to wait in the waiting room, they took me to the back area ASAP. This is where I got exposed!
Shona wouldn't leave my side. I was in so much pain it was hard for me to talk. I tried my best to tell Shona she didn't have to come back with me, but she wouldn't leave my side. They had given me a pan to hold since I kept throwing up. At this point I was throwing up blood..... I looked over at Shona and tears were coming out of her eyes. The nurse started asking me A LOT of questions. I had two options....... option A) Lie, and pray they could still figure out what was wrong with me option B) Tell the truth and become expose. Being that I am not dumb, I went with option B. The nurse asked me what medicines I took. I told the truth and mentioned the diet pills that I popped from time to time. Shona looked surprised because those pills kept me up all night and I had promised her I wouldn't take them anymore. I mentioned the laxatives, oh yeah, I mentioned making myself throw up. Uh-oh! Ding! I actually said it outloud. I admitted this to people.
The put an IV in me, I had thrown up so much nothing else would come out. I begged Shona not to call my parents, not yet. We stayed in that hospital for hours. I mean HOURS. All night, we didn't leave until Sunday morning. In the end, they fixed me up, explained what was wrong, gave me some medicine, told me that I had bulimia.
They said I had IBS, stomach ulcers, and I was dehydrated. They mentioned that they thought that I might have some severe esophageal problems and that I should follow up with my PCP as soon as possible. They also mentioned that I needed to get help for my eating disorder.
Eating disorder???????? HUH? What were they talking about. I don't have an eating disorder! Why do they keep talking about bulimia? I am a black female, I can't have bulimia. We don't get that. They don't know what they are talking about!
Well, Shona gave me a deadline to tell my parents or she was going to do it. She also stood by me through the entire process and is still standing by me. That is why she isn't my best friend, she is my sister. If it wasn't for her that night, if it wasn't for how she supported me then and supports me now, I don't know if I would have made it through that ordeal. She told me what I didn't want to hear, through the entire process....... she told me the truth, no matter how raw and uncensored it was.
Back to the blog...... My PCP ordered a lot of test, did a lot of lecturing, and ordered me to go to this place called Ridgeview for a test. What a minute.... Ridgeview. I was a teacher, I know what Ridgeview is. It is a place where crazy people go. No ma'am, I ain't going there. Nope! Not me!
My PCP gave me all this info on Bulimia.... my PCP kept using that bulimia word too. It really got on my nerves that people kept using that word when they talked to me...............
My PCP also suggested that I get help for my problem. In Nicole's mind, I didn't have a problem. Everybody who thought I had a problem, were the people with the problem.
My mother made sure I called Ridgeview and set up that stupid appointment. Yes, I called the appointment stupid. Shona kept saying....... you are going so stop complaining and stop calling it stupid. I went alright...... And for those of you that know Nicole Keith, you know the appointment wasn't smooth and easy.
Pictures
People always say that you can spot a person with an eating disorder. I decided to post pictures of me during the time that I was taking laxatives and making myself throw-up.
This is a picture of Eric B. and myself in 2002. We had lunch with a group of people at Maggiono's one of my favorite Italian resturants. I ate plenty..... (It was all free) so I ate a lot! I actually depostied the food I ate in the Maggiono restroom.
In Vegas at a convention.
This is a picture of Eric B. and myself in 2002. We had lunch with a group of people at Maggiono's one of my favorite Italian resturants. I ate plenty..... (It was all free) so I ate a lot! I actually depostied the food I ate in the Maggiono restroom.
In Vegas at a convention.
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