Traveling.....

That summer, Shona and I were really traveling. We would wake up, decide we were bored, get online and book a trip.

Let me start with our Cancun trip. We rarely sat next to each other on the planes, Shona would be like, we don't have to sit together, and I wanted so badly to tell her, I need you to sit next to me........ but that pride is a crazy thing. I was too proud to tell my sister the following:
- I have to get a seat belt extension
- The arm rest doesn't go down, so if the person next to me wants to let it down, I sit in pain the entire ride.
- I am so big I really need two seats, so I have to sit forward so I won't smush the person next to me.

But, I didn't tell her, I just suffered. You may be asking yourself, what would telling her have done? Well, she wouldn't have cared if I needed the arm rest up. She is smaller so I would have had the arm rest up, plus a few inches from her seat, and she wouldn't have cared if our shoulders touched. A stranger does not want to ride on a plane for 3 to 4 hours with someone and be practically sitting in their lap the entire time.

So ALL plane rides were miserable. They became so miserable that I finally just stopped traveling. I made up lies as to why I couldn't. But the real reason was.......... I was just too big. Okay, now moving on with the story.

Don't get me wrong! I had a blast in Cancun, but it was a limited blast. There were so many things I wanted to do, but physically I just couldn't. Shona went to the ruins, God I so badly wanted to go, but I knew I couldn't. This soon became a trend. The trend became, me wanting so badly to explore, to do things, but not being able to, so I just didn't. I pretended it didn't interest me. I would even say....... You go ahead, that really doesn't interest me.

Shona and I got into a fight on that trip too. We sure did and it was a weight related fight. We were on the bus in Cancun and it was something one of us wanted to do, and I couldn't because of my weight and she said something and it struck a personal nerve. When I say a personal nerve, I mean, it really had nothing to do with Shona, it had everything to do with Nicole. Shona was just the innocent by stander who got caught in the fight, because she was the one that was there. As I blog, you all will notice that poor Shona ends up being the innocent person that takes the venting a lot. It's hard to believe that she has still hung around and stuck all this out with me.

Well, I gave Shona a piece of my mind. I let her know that I weighed over 300 pounds and I couldn't and she didn't understand because she wasn't fat. Trust me, that Shona will give it back to me, so she told me her thoughts. It is funny now.

I actually came home from Cancun a day early. Not because Shona and I had an arguement. The fight just lasted the bus ride, we were done when we finished riding the bus. I honeslty came home because I was miserable and uncomfortable and couldn't take anymore!

I came home digusted, hurting, miserable, and dying on the inside. I felt hopeless..... So I did what I do best I ate.

That was the best part of traveling back home. I had a lay over in Houston, so I got to eat American food. You see, I did not eat much in Cancun because I didn't care for the food. So, when I got to the Houston airport, I put it DOWN!!! Me putting it down at the resturants in at the airport almost caused me to miss my connection flight. Seriously, I almost didn't make it. My legs were so big that I could barely walk to my terminal and pull my luggage. I was practically in tears, I was sweating. That walk was so painful. I made it with no time to spare.

I came home, feeling defeated. I put on my happy face, acted as if all was well, and kept moving. I kept living out the outside, but inside, I was dead......

Getting it together

Well, I was cleaning up my life. I had actually lost weight, and really wasn't trying. I was on my way, now I had to clean up this money mess I had made. While I had been binging, I had been ignoring other things, things that were important.

Let me start off with this........ I HATE mail. I have been known to go to the mailbox, look through the mail, then put it back in the mailbox. I don't open it, I just make a special place and stack it up until the feeling hits me and I decide to open it. Well, while I was binging, I did just that! I ignored the bills as they came, I just pretended they didn't exist.

When I finally did open the mail, the bills were just crazy. Now, naturally, I paid attention to the obvious bills, but the other bills, I just let add up. I knew I was spending out of control, but I had credit and I used that credit. I had been sending in the minimum payment, and not even taking the time to see how much I was in debt or how much interest I was paying. When I started digging into the debt, it wasn't pretty. So I did what I do best, I went extreme. I went from spending to not spending. I used coupons, I got rid of my expensive nice luxary car and got me a nice inexpensive ford taurus. I pretty much sat at home! It is funny now, when people would call me I would say...."I am practicing my new life style." My new lifestyle was doing nothing but watching every penny I spent. Well, with me it is all or nothing, so when I went so extreme with my money, I finally ended up breaking. Well, I didn't break with the money, I loosened up and spent a little again, and re-did my budget and gave myself a little wiggle room.

But, I broke down again and started binging. I now wonder if my extreme new life style caused me to break. I wonder if putting so much restriction on my budget caused me to rebel in some fashion or another. I can be so extreme and controlling at times. I like to be in total control of everything. I now think that when I am not in total control, I get frustrated and just say "bump it" and I give up all control.

I binged and binged, and I kept it hid. People would say, you don't eat much, I don't know why you are big. I now laugh because I ate more than anyone would have ever guessed, I just hid it. I would go out with friends and eat only a little, I would even eat something healthy. Then, when I was alone, I would eat in massive amounts. I would go to resturants sit down and eat, then order take out like it was someone else. LOL. It was for me. Just crazy stuff. I lied to people about food, about what I ate? Why? Who does that? Well, I did. And looking back, it seems so silly. Of all the things to lie about, why lie about FOOD?

Years and years of binging, yo-yo dieting, etc. Finally took a toll on me. It should have been the best times, but.................

Reality Hit

Well, "That Lady" told me that I should not deprieve myself, because that sends me into binges. So, I didn't deprieve myself. Actutally, I did well for a while. I didn't binge, I didn't take laxatives, I didn't throw up, I didn't do anything extreme. I guess I was somewhat normal for a little while.

While I was NORMAL, my head was clear. I wrote in a journal (another suggestion from the lady), and I organized my life. Boy was it a mess! Those binges were expensive, buying clothes to fit my body because of the binges were expensive. All the shoes, purses, jewlrey, and food had added up! Hell, I didn't realize it, but I was in DEBT! Looking back, in one of my journals, I had spent in one day $150.00 just on food. (And there were plenty of days that I did this, I just didn't document it) WHOA! At this point in my life I don't spend that on food in two weeks! In one day, I spent roughly $150.00 bucks. That is INSANE! Okay, you can close your mouth now. I went to Mrs. Winners for an early breakfast and had two steak biscuits, and a cinnimon swirl. Then, I met my buddy BG around 1030AM at Ihop and I had an omlet with pancakes. When I left there I went to the grocery store, where I purchased, chips, cookies, etc. and spent roughly 25.00. (Yes, I ate all the junk before I went to bed). For lunch, around 200PM, I went to the Corner Cafe and had wings, all flats with onion rings and a drink. Afterwards, I went into Shannon Mall and bought 2 double dooizes from the cookie company ( I finished them off before I made it back home). That evening, Shona and I went to Long Horn where I had an appetizer, and a ribeye steak meal, with fried cheesecake. Yeap, sit and total it all, you will get rougly $150.00. Sad part is.......... I had a lot of days like this. Well, these binges over the course of a few years, plus the cost of the doctor's visits to get my drugs, plus the cost of new clothes, to fit my body.(Cause everybody know's Nicole likes clothes at any size and hates wearing the same thing) put me in a bind. It wasn't until I got clean that I realized the other side effects of my drug. I was in debt. We are talking real debt. I had department store credit cards, I had major bank credit cards, that added up to the tune of over 25,000 bucks. Yeap.

Well, I was in school, and for my doctoral degree I had to take out student loans. The IRS has never been my friend. I had a car note, hosptial bills, mortgage, and major credit card bills. No wonder I stayed high on my drug (food)! With a clear mind I was able to see the damage I had done.

How the heck was I going to fix this mess. Well, I did it the only way Nicole Anderson Keith knew how. I used Nicole's logic. I went to the extreme.

Never simple

Things with me are rarely simple. I mean, in my mind things are clear, they are black and white. However, I can from time to time leave the people who love me scratching their heads. On the outside, I appear to be the same all the time, I appear to be simple, easy going, etc. However; there can be moments in my life where I am implusive. There are moments where I can become super extreme, and there are moments that I can just hear what Nicole wants to hear!!!

Well, I went to see the shrink. I don't know her name because I honestly called her, "THAT LADY" whenever I made any type of reference to anyone about her. Actually, now that I look back, I treated that entire experience as if it were joke, and I got jokingly results.

I went and saw, "That Lady" around 3 or 4 times. The first visit resulted in me spending an hour answering questions and explaining what happened at Ridgeview and how that plain Jan looking lady "TRIED ME." It was also spent with me explaining how I really didn't have a problem and how the entrie situation was blown way up!

The next visit, I literally just sat on the couch and didn't say too much. Wasn't much for me to say, "That Lady" was like so, Nicole, tell my why you think you are here. And Nicole was pretty much like, if I knew I wouldn't be here and you are the professional you tell me. That session was a waste of my insurance money. The next session she tried a different method and had a bunch of questions for me, I answered them, then I began to talk. I talked about my eating and dieting habits. I talked about my goals, my asperations, and how I plan pretty much everything out. I sort of talked about "my ways" and for those of you who know me, you know that when Nicole sets her mind out to do something she goes all or nothing. I went back to see the lady one more time.

Did I get anything out of it? You bet I did...........

Out of everything that lady talked to me about, I got this out of it...... Nicole you are an extremist, and whatever you do you do it to the extreme. With your type of personality you should never go on a diet, because what you do is, you deny, you deny, you deny, you make it so hard that you finally break down and when you do...... you binge then you feel guilty then you get rid of it.

Was she worth the insurance money? Yeap, cause I haven't abused laxatives, nor thrown up since. And, I took the opportunity for about two years to never watch what I ate because, that lady told me that I should never diet.

Well.............. that created a new set of issues......