Lashing out

This post is a little out of order, but I know it is something that I need to say.

Even though I am baring all in my blogs, I am still not including several intimate parts of my life. This blog will be the only blog where I discuss my male relationships.

One night I was on the computer chatting with, at the time a good male friend. I was upset because I had been stood up by a date YET AGAIN. This was becoming a habit. I was hurt and I told my friend who I will identify as JP. JP's response through me off guard...... he said to me something like this.... Nicole most of the guys I see in the Atl now aren't into big women... I remember when Ray and I came to your apartment and you were small (he didn't use the word small but it was along those lines) and you were living life and happy. Well, this was a year after I had graduated college, I was on diet pills and not eating. This struck a nerve with me.

He was refering to how I looked probably 8-10 years prior wasn't he supposed to be my friend?

I was fed up and tired of my happiness, my male relationships, my everything being based on my size. Over the years, I had been made to feel like I wasn't worthy of being loved because I was so large. I had heard well maybe if you lose some weight, some guys love real big women, I know such and such and she is almost as big as you and she gets plenty of men, you have such a pretty face you just need to lose weight. I was so GOT DAMN tired of this I didn't know what to do.

I dated someone for several years, during this time I gained and lost weight a lot. But I fluctuated between a size 10-16 the first few years of the relationshiop. Well, I got to a point where I couldn't continue to fluctuate and my size 16 became a size 18, the 18 became a size 20, etc. He no longer touched me, no kisses, no nothing. We went to the Bahamas to celebrate and he would like at me like I disgusted him. Finally, we had a conversation, in this conversation he told me that he didn't find me attractive anymore, I was too big and he couldn't do it anymore. Talk about getting the wind knocked out of you. Instead of lashing out and giving him a piece of my mind, I told him that I understood and that I wouldn't want to be with someone as big and unattrative as I had gotten either. After years of dating, I became his friend. Yes, you read correctly. We were friends. I want you all to know that I typed and deleted that line several times because I almost didn't type it.

So when JP made that statement to me, it was literally the straw that broke the camels back. I snapped, I did something out of character for me, I lashed out at him. I sent him an email that to this day, I am ashamed of. I said things that were so mean and hateful. JP caught the built up anger that I had been holding in for years. My email to him was pretty much a letter to everyone particularly men.... who had stood me up, lied to me, said something mean to me, put me down, etc. over the years. I wasn't really telling JP off, I was telling the guy who left me because I had gained weight, all the men who had stood me up, the women who had told me things like...... you are so pretty to be big, you dress so good to be your size.....the little innocent kids who had asked me innocent questions like...... why is your stomach so big, wow... ms. nicole you have real big legs.... ms. nicole you are fat, the young people in the store one day that laughed at me and said she has booty-do, her stomach stick out more than her booty do. I was tired and instead of telling those people they were out of line and rude, I lashed out at JP and ended a friendship. Up until a year or so ago I had the engraved cuff links to prove it. (JP will understand that statement)

Will I ever feel better??????

As time went on, I kept getting sicker and sicker. There were days I don't know how I got out of bed. It was hard for me to sleep lying down on my back, when I would lay down on my side, I would wake up and my shoulder would hurt. My feet hurt like nobody's business, I have really high arches and by the end of the day, they would be FLAT and I would be in pain.


I did something that I am not proud of during this time. I became the victim in my mind. In Nicole's mind, people picked on the fat lady. I was the fat lady. You all know me, I can't stand for people to play that victim role. Drives me NUTS. If you don'e like your situation change it. Well, instead of changing it, I made it worse. Please understand, that was the only part of my life that I allowed myself to play the victim role, but that is/was the most important part of my life. It was/is my health.

This is a role that I played so well........ here is an example

We were out to eat for Shona's birthday and one of her other friends were with us. I showed her friend a picture of this guy that liked me. He is a larger guy. Shona's friend said, "oh no, he is big and you are big, I mean real big." I don't know what hurt me more, what she said, or the look on her face when she said it. She looked at me like I was this digusting being. Shona and Cher had left the table and it was just Shona's friend and me. Playing the victim, I just looked at her. She then looked at me and then said, " I mean, I didn't mean it like that, you are a very pretty woman, I was just saying....." then Shona and Cher returned to the table.

I didn't say anything back to her, I just took her words and let the sink in. I then played the victim. I didn't want to be around Shona's friend anymore, I just didn't like her. It is rare for me to not like someone. I just didn't like her. Then, I took it a step further, I got angry at Shona. I was hurt that she didn't defend me at all. Whenever I brought the situation up, I felt like she made excuses for her friend, and her solution was to not blend her friends together again. The victim felt like, dang, my friend, my sister didn't defend me. The victim felt like, I would defend her to the end, wow.

I know that the above is a lot to take in, however; I am going to end this extra long post with this. The above made me realize how judgemental I had been (me the person who felt they weren't judgemental) I realized, how easy it is to play the victim. Instead of me dealing with the issue at hand........... my insecurities, and my low self-esteem... I blamed Shona's friend and I guess I blamed Shona for allowing it to happen.

Well the one thing about my sisterhood with Shona. We have honest unconditional love for one another, I don't blame Shona, I do understnad. We have moved forward from this issue and I know for a fact that we are closer because of things like the above. shona, I do love you unconditionally.

The end..........or the beginning.......

Well I returned from Hilton Head to discover that my dad had been placed in at home Hospice. When I got to the house, I found him to be weak and pretty much zoned out. They placed him in a hospital bed in our home. He fought in that bed none stop, pulling, twisting, tugging, turning.......... I sat in the room with him pretty much the entire time. He had to be watched because he would pull his oxygen out his nose.

I am not going to drag this post out because it is just painful. My dad turned 70 years old on July 3rd, he passed on the morning of July 4th. I was standing next to his bed holding his hand when he took his final breath.

I was numb that is probably the only emotion I had. Reality really took a minute to sink in. But when it did finally sink in it hit me hard.

I was angry, I was hurt, I was mad....... it wasn't fair. On the outside, I attempted to put on my brave face, but on the inside, I cried daily. Nights were hard. I turned to my best friend food to numb the pain.

Food helped me numb the pain. I would eat, and eat, and eat until I literally didn't feel anymore. I forgot all about the deal my dad and I made. I remember one night yelling at my dad because he lied to me........ he promised me he wouldn't go anywhere. I know it sounds silly, I get that it wasn't up to him, but hey I was hurting..........

I stopped going to the gym, I cancelled my personal training sessions, I ignored the fact that I was a diabetic, and my health turn a turn for the worse.

My blood sugar was so out of control, that my doctor put me on insulin. Well, I had trouble with insulins, I mean trouble! I was allergic to just about every insulin I tried. I broke out in hives, I still have the scares. The doctor tried at least four different types of insulins, and everytime I used a new insulin, I would break out in these huge red hives, that itched and burned like you wouldn't believe. It itched so bad that it brought tears to my eyes.

Cher actually found an insulin that worked for me. Thank God one of my dearest friends is a pharmacist. I wasn't taking care of myself at all. My blood pressure was really bad, my cholestorol was horrible, my blood sugar was EXTRA HIGH even with my insulin, my A1C was 12, which means that my blood sugar was in the high 200's low 300's on a daily basis. This is very dangerous. I am now surprised that I didn't go into a coma.

Well, not only was my health bad, work was even worse. This was my first full year as principal and things were stressful........ the finicial books were a mess, my office manager and I were afraid we were going to get fired... Family life was bad, everyone was sad, my mom was so depressed she was losing weight.... My boyfriend and I finally called it quits. While my life was over in my mind....