People always say.... "If you are that unhappy with your life (situation) change it. I have even said this about different people. Looking back on my own situation, it really isn't that easy.
People who don't suffer from weight issues, or food issues don't get that it isn't as easy as pushing back from the table. Now that I have connected my issue with food to something bigger than just liking the taste, I have somewhat of an idea of what a drug addict, alcohol addict, sex addict, etc. must go through. Your drug is something that you use to cope, it is something that you use to numb your pain.
I was sick, blood sugar EXTRA high, blood pressure HIGH, cholestrol HIGH, etc. and I still went to the drug that was making me sick. Food.
After starting this journey, I realize so many things. I realize, that my addiction to food is a symptom, my diabetics, my high blood pressure, these were all symptoms of a much bigger disease. These things were symptoms of the issues that I was avoiding. Those issues from the past, are what was keeping me sick. Loneliness, low self-esteem, low self-worth, not feeling good enough, etc. these were the "evils" that were causing the symptoms. Not dealing with past hurts and past pains caused me to use other things to mask the real problem.
Dealing with the real problem is something that is so hard and is something that I struggle with as soon as I hit a bump in the road. I find myself now experiencing feelings I never thought I would. I actually cry now. I mean, I cry for things I used to roll my eyes at other people for crying about. I laugh now, because I have a hard time excepting that I am actually EXTREMLY sensetive.
I am learning that it is okay to cry, it is okay to let my feelings be hurt. I just don't allow them to stay hurt, I don't blame others for the hurt. I ask myself, Nicole how are you feeling and why? I then take the time to evaluate my feelings. I try to view my feelings from all angles, this is hard, because human nature is to evaluate our feelings from all angles but our own. It is so easy to blame the other person or the other situation, the hard part is looking at our own actions in all situations.
I titled this post the end, because it is the end of me blogging about what brought me to the point where it was lose weight or die.
However, it isn't the end of my blog. Many of you want to know about my diet, about my workouts, etc. I will also blog about the new things I am slowly learning to deal with. Like being a fat person stuck in a smaller body............ dealing with how people react to me now, dealing with other peoples issues of me not eating the way I used to eat, dealing with my religious journey and making the spirtual connection with the foods that I ate.
I am tired of talking about my past hurts, I have a few more, but they will be in the book. I am at a point where it is really time to move forward and I look forward to you all taking this new journey with me.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Lashing out
This post is a little out of order, but I know it is something that I need to say.
Even though I am baring all in my blogs, I am still not including several intimate parts of my life. This blog will be the only blog where I discuss my male relationships.
One night I was on the computer chatting with, at the time a good male friend. I was upset because I had been stood up by a date YET AGAIN. This was becoming a habit. I was hurt and I told my friend who I will identify as JP. JP's response through me off guard...... he said to me something like this.... Nicole most of the guys I see in the Atl now aren't into big women... I remember when Ray and I came to your apartment and you were small (he didn't use the word small but it was along those lines) and you were living life and happy. Well, this was a year after I had graduated college, I was on diet pills and not eating. This struck a nerve with me.
He was refering to how I looked probably 8-10 years prior wasn't he supposed to be my friend?
I was fed up and tired of my happiness, my male relationships, my everything being based on my size. Over the years, I had been made to feel like I wasn't worthy of being loved because I was so large. I had heard well maybe if you lose some weight, some guys love real big women, I know such and such and she is almost as big as you and she gets plenty of men, you have such a pretty face you just need to lose weight. I was so GOT DAMN tired of this I didn't know what to do.
I dated someone for several years, during this time I gained and lost weight a lot. But I fluctuated between a size 10-16 the first few years of the relationshiop. Well, I got to a point where I couldn't continue to fluctuate and my size 16 became a size 18, the 18 became a size 20, etc. He no longer touched me, no kisses, no nothing. We went to the Bahamas to celebrate and he would like at me like I disgusted him. Finally, we had a conversation, in this conversation he told me that he didn't find me attractive anymore, I was too big and he couldn't do it anymore. Talk about getting the wind knocked out of you. Instead of lashing out and giving him a piece of my mind, I told him that I understood and that I wouldn't want to be with someone as big and unattrative as I had gotten either. After years of dating, I became his friend. Yes, you read correctly. We were friends. I want you all to know that I typed and deleted that line several times because I almost didn't type it.
So when JP made that statement to me, it was literally the straw that broke the camels back. I snapped, I did something out of character for me, I lashed out at him. I sent him an email that to this day, I am ashamed of. I said things that were so mean and hateful. JP caught the built up anger that I had been holding in for years. My email to him was pretty much a letter to everyone particularly men.... who had stood me up, lied to me, said something mean to me, put me down, etc. over the years. I wasn't really telling JP off, I was telling the guy who left me because I had gained weight, all the men who had stood me up, the women who had told me things like...... you are so pretty to be big, you dress so good to be your size.....the little innocent kids who had asked me innocent questions like...... why is your stomach so big, wow... ms. nicole you have real big legs.... ms. nicole you are fat, the young people in the store one day that laughed at me and said she has booty-do, her stomach stick out more than her booty do. I was tired and instead of telling those people they were out of line and rude, I lashed out at JP and ended a friendship. Up until a year or so ago I had the engraved cuff links to prove it. (JP will understand that statement)
Even though I am baring all in my blogs, I am still not including several intimate parts of my life. This blog will be the only blog where I discuss my male relationships.
One night I was on the computer chatting with, at the time a good male friend. I was upset because I had been stood up by a date YET AGAIN. This was becoming a habit. I was hurt and I told my friend who I will identify as JP. JP's response through me off guard...... he said to me something like this.... Nicole most of the guys I see in the Atl now aren't into big women... I remember when Ray and I came to your apartment and you were small (he didn't use the word small but it was along those lines) and you were living life and happy. Well, this was a year after I had graduated college, I was on diet pills and not eating. This struck a nerve with me.
He was refering to how I looked probably 8-10 years prior wasn't he supposed to be my friend?
I was fed up and tired of my happiness, my male relationships, my everything being based on my size. Over the years, I had been made to feel like I wasn't worthy of being loved because I was so large. I had heard well maybe if you lose some weight, some guys love real big women, I know such and such and she is almost as big as you and she gets plenty of men, you have such a pretty face you just need to lose weight. I was so GOT DAMN tired of this I didn't know what to do.
I dated someone for several years, during this time I gained and lost weight a lot. But I fluctuated between a size 10-16 the first few years of the relationshiop. Well, I got to a point where I couldn't continue to fluctuate and my size 16 became a size 18, the 18 became a size 20, etc. He no longer touched me, no kisses, no nothing. We went to the Bahamas to celebrate and he would like at me like I disgusted him. Finally, we had a conversation, in this conversation he told me that he didn't find me attractive anymore, I was too big and he couldn't do it anymore. Talk about getting the wind knocked out of you. Instead of lashing out and giving him a piece of my mind, I told him that I understood and that I wouldn't want to be with someone as big and unattrative as I had gotten either. After years of dating, I became his friend. Yes, you read correctly. We were friends. I want you all to know that I typed and deleted that line several times because I almost didn't type it.
So when JP made that statement to me, it was literally the straw that broke the camels back. I snapped, I did something out of character for me, I lashed out at him. I sent him an email that to this day, I am ashamed of. I said things that were so mean and hateful. JP caught the built up anger that I had been holding in for years. My email to him was pretty much a letter to everyone particularly men.... who had stood me up, lied to me, said something mean to me, put me down, etc. over the years. I wasn't really telling JP off, I was telling the guy who left me because I had gained weight, all the men who had stood me up, the women who had told me things like...... you are so pretty to be big, you dress so good to be your size.....the little innocent kids who had asked me innocent questions like...... why is your stomach so big, wow... ms. nicole you have real big legs.... ms. nicole you are fat, the young people in the store one day that laughed at me and said she has booty-do, her stomach stick out more than her booty do. I was tired and instead of telling those people they were out of line and rude, I lashed out at JP and ended a friendship. Up until a year or so ago I had the engraved cuff links to prove it. (JP will understand that statement)
Monday, July 25, 2011
Will I ever feel better??????
As time went on, I kept getting sicker and sicker. There were days I don't know how I got out of bed. It was hard for me to sleep lying down on my back, when I would lay down on my side, I would wake up and my shoulder would hurt. My feet hurt like nobody's business, I have really high arches and by the end of the day, they would be FLAT and I would be in pain.
I did something that I am not proud of during this time. I became the victim in my mind. In Nicole's mind, people picked on the fat lady. I was the fat lady. You all know me, I can't stand for people to play that victim role. Drives me NUTS. If you don'e like your situation change it. Well, instead of changing it, I made it worse. Please understand, that was the only part of my life that I allowed myself to play the victim role, but that is/was the most important part of my life. It was/is my health.
This is a role that I played so well........ here is an example
We were out to eat for Shona's birthday and one of her other friends were with us. I showed her friend a picture of this guy that liked me. He is a larger guy. Shona's friend said, "oh no, he is big and you are big, I mean real big." I don't know what hurt me more, what she said, or the look on her face when she said it. She looked at me like I was this digusting being. Shona and Cher had left the table and it was just Shona's friend and me. Playing the victim, I just looked at her. She then looked at me and then said, " I mean, I didn't mean it like that, you are a very pretty woman, I was just saying....." then Shona and Cher returned to the table.
I didn't say anything back to her, I just took her words and let the sink in. I then played the victim. I didn't want to be around Shona's friend anymore, I just didn't like her. It is rare for me to not like someone. I just didn't like her. Then, I took it a step further, I got angry at Shona. I was hurt that she didn't defend me at all. Whenever I brought the situation up, I felt like she made excuses for her friend, and her solution was to not blend her friends together again. The victim felt like, dang, my friend, my sister didn't defend me. The victim felt like, I would defend her to the end, wow.
I know that the above is a lot to take in, however; I am going to end this extra long post with this. The above made me realize how judgemental I had been (me the person who felt they weren't judgemental) I realized, how easy it is to play the victim. Instead of me dealing with the issue at hand........... my insecurities, and my low self-esteem... I blamed Shona's friend and I guess I blamed Shona for allowing it to happen.
Well the one thing about my sisterhood with Shona. We have honest unconditional love for one another, I don't blame Shona, I do understnad. We have moved forward from this issue and I know for a fact that we are closer because of things like the above. shona, I do love you unconditionally.
I did something that I am not proud of during this time. I became the victim in my mind. In Nicole's mind, people picked on the fat lady. I was the fat lady. You all know me, I can't stand for people to play that victim role. Drives me NUTS. If you don'e like your situation change it. Well, instead of changing it, I made it worse. Please understand, that was the only part of my life that I allowed myself to play the victim role, but that is/was the most important part of my life. It was/is my health.
This is a role that I played so well........ here is an example
We were out to eat for Shona's birthday and one of her other friends were with us. I showed her friend a picture of this guy that liked me. He is a larger guy. Shona's friend said, "oh no, he is big and you are big, I mean real big." I don't know what hurt me more, what she said, or the look on her face when she said it. She looked at me like I was this digusting being. Shona and Cher had left the table and it was just Shona's friend and me. Playing the victim, I just looked at her. She then looked at me and then said, " I mean, I didn't mean it like that, you are a very pretty woman, I was just saying....." then Shona and Cher returned to the table.
I didn't say anything back to her, I just took her words and let the sink in. I then played the victim. I didn't want to be around Shona's friend anymore, I just didn't like her. It is rare for me to not like someone. I just didn't like her. Then, I took it a step further, I got angry at Shona. I was hurt that she didn't defend me at all. Whenever I brought the situation up, I felt like she made excuses for her friend, and her solution was to not blend her friends together again. The victim felt like, dang, my friend, my sister didn't defend me. The victim felt like, I would defend her to the end, wow.
I know that the above is a lot to take in, however; I am going to end this extra long post with this. The above made me realize how judgemental I had been (me the person who felt they weren't judgemental) I realized, how easy it is to play the victim. Instead of me dealing with the issue at hand........... my insecurities, and my low self-esteem... I blamed Shona's friend and I guess I blamed Shona for allowing it to happen.
Well the one thing about my sisterhood with Shona. We have honest unconditional love for one another, I don't blame Shona, I do understnad. We have moved forward from this issue and I know for a fact that we are closer because of things like the above. shona, I do love you unconditionally.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
The end..........or the beginning.......
Well I returned from Hilton Head to discover that my dad had been placed in at home Hospice. When I got to the house, I found him to be weak and pretty much zoned out. They placed him in a hospital bed in our home. He fought in that bed none stop, pulling, twisting, tugging, turning.......... I sat in the room with him pretty much the entire time. He had to be watched because he would pull his oxygen out his nose.
I am not going to drag this post out because it is just painful. My dad turned 70 years old on July 3rd, he passed on the morning of July 4th. I was standing next to his bed holding his hand when he took his final breath.
I was numb that is probably the only emotion I had. Reality really took a minute to sink in. But when it did finally sink in it hit me hard.
I was angry, I was hurt, I was mad....... it wasn't fair. On the outside, I attempted to put on my brave face, but on the inside, I cried daily. Nights were hard. I turned to my best friend food to numb the pain.
Food helped me numb the pain. I would eat, and eat, and eat until I literally didn't feel anymore. I forgot all about the deal my dad and I made. I remember one night yelling at my dad because he lied to me........ he promised me he wouldn't go anywhere. I know it sounds silly, I get that it wasn't up to him, but hey I was hurting..........
I stopped going to the gym, I cancelled my personal training sessions, I ignored the fact that I was a diabetic, and my health turn a turn for the worse.
My blood sugar was so out of control, that my doctor put me on insulin. Well, I had trouble with insulins, I mean trouble! I was allergic to just about every insulin I tried. I broke out in hives, I still have the scares. The doctor tried at least four different types of insulins, and everytime I used a new insulin, I would break out in these huge red hives, that itched and burned like you wouldn't believe. It itched so bad that it brought tears to my eyes.
Cher actually found an insulin that worked for me. Thank God one of my dearest friends is a pharmacist. I wasn't taking care of myself at all. My blood pressure was really bad, my cholestorol was horrible, my blood sugar was EXTRA HIGH even with my insulin, my A1C was 12, which means that my blood sugar was in the high 200's low 300's on a daily basis. This is very dangerous. I am now surprised that I didn't go into a coma.
Well, not only was my health bad, work was even worse. This was my first full year as principal and things were stressful........ the finicial books were a mess, my office manager and I were afraid we were going to get fired... Family life was bad, everyone was sad, my mom was so depressed she was losing weight.... My boyfriend and I finally called it quits. While my life was over in my mind....
I am not going to drag this post out because it is just painful. My dad turned 70 years old on July 3rd, he passed on the morning of July 4th. I was standing next to his bed holding his hand when he took his final breath.
I was numb that is probably the only emotion I had. Reality really took a minute to sink in. But when it did finally sink in it hit me hard.
I was angry, I was hurt, I was mad....... it wasn't fair. On the outside, I attempted to put on my brave face, but on the inside, I cried daily. Nights were hard. I turned to my best friend food to numb the pain.
Food helped me numb the pain. I would eat, and eat, and eat until I literally didn't feel anymore. I forgot all about the deal my dad and I made. I remember one night yelling at my dad because he lied to me........ he promised me he wouldn't go anywhere. I know it sounds silly, I get that it wasn't up to him, but hey I was hurting..........
I stopped going to the gym, I cancelled my personal training sessions, I ignored the fact that I was a diabetic, and my health turn a turn for the worse.
My blood sugar was so out of control, that my doctor put me on insulin. Well, I had trouble with insulins, I mean trouble! I was allergic to just about every insulin I tried. I broke out in hives, I still have the scares. The doctor tried at least four different types of insulins, and everytime I used a new insulin, I would break out in these huge red hives, that itched and burned like you wouldn't believe. It itched so bad that it brought tears to my eyes.
Cher actually found an insulin that worked for me. Thank God one of my dearest friends is a pharmacist. I wasn't taking care of myself at all. My blood pressure was really bad, my cholestorol was horrible, my blood sugar was EXTRA HIGH even with my insulin, my A1C was 12, which means that my blood sugar was in the high 200's low 300's on a daily basis. This is very dangerous. I am now surprised that I didn't go into a coma.
Well, not only was my health bad, work was even worse. This was my first full year as principal and things were stressful........ the finicial books were a mess, my office manager and I were afraid we were going to get fired... Family life was bad, everyone was sad, my mom was so depressed she was losing weight.... My boyfriend and I finally called it quits. While my life was over in my mind....
Sunday, June 26, 2011
The fight continues
Well, my dad's attitude didn't change, not at all. He was just as up beat and positive as he always was. He was confident that he would beat it again, the doctor was opotmistic, the doctor's attitude was, "you will beat it again, and it will return, and we will go at it again." You see my dad had small cell lung cancer, this type of lung cancer spreads quickly. My dad had beat all odds, even the doctor said that he had never had a patient like him.
I was still losing weight, I was working out with a trainer, things were going well. I had kept my dad's illness low key at work, however, with it being the end of the school year, I had to call my boss to let him know why I would be out of the building a little more than normal the last weeks of school. I took off work and drove my parents downtown to Peidmont hospital where they would be doing the procedure. The cancer was spreading to his liver, so the chemo was put in through his groin area, the chemo was little crystals that were supposed to stop the blood flow to that particular area, and kill the cancer cells. The procedure went smoothly.
Daddy didn't bounce back this time like he normally did. His energy level was low, he didn't feel well, he didn't eat, things were just bad. During this time I was in a relationship and the relationship wasn't going well either. I knew that he was cheating, lying, etc. but I honestly didn't have time to focus on him. My daddy was my only interest.
Inside, I was stressed, outside you would've never known. I cried on a three-way call with Shona and Cher, after that, I just moved forward. I had to be strong. I started missing training sessions, I stopped eating properly and went back to my old way of eating. I was just exsisting.
Things feel apart quickly, I mean quickly. We all held on to hope and prayer even though I had started to except God's will.
Terry (my boyfriend) and I had planned a trip to the Essence festival the weekend of July 4th. Since I had been working long hours, driving to Newnan almost everyday, working online, just not sleeping, etc. My friends were going to Hilton Head, it was supposed to be my birthday trip. I felt guilty for going, but my dad and mom wanted me to go. It was only a two day trip. The trip was horrible. I was in a bad mood, I was nervous, I called my boyfriend, his blue tooth picked up, I heard him in the car with another female, he must've had his phone on silence, and didn't realize. I didn't share this with my friends at first. Then to top it all off, my childhood neighbor called to ask me what was happening at my mom's house. I was like "what are you talking about" she told me that it was an ambulance at my mom's house.
Okay, I can't write anymore. This is too much. I need to go back, I am leaving for a 10 day vacation. I will pick up when I get back.
I was still losing weight, I was working out with a trainer, things were going well. I had kept my dad's illness low key at work, however, with it being the end of the school year, I had to call my boss to let him know why I would be out of the building a little more than normal the last weeks of school. I took off work and drove my parents downtown to Peidmont hospital where they would be doing the procedure. The cancer was spreading to his liver, so the chemo was put in through his groin area, the chemo was little crystals that were supposed to stop the blood flow to that particular area, and kill the cancer cells. The procedure went smoothly.
Daddy didn't bounce back this time like he normally did. His energy level was low, he didn't feel well, he didn't eat, things were just bad. During this time I was in a relationship and the relationship wasn't going well either. I knew that he was cheating, lying, etc. but I honestly didn't have time to focus on him. My daddy was my only interest.
Inside, I was stressed, outside you would've never known. I cried on a three-way call with Shona and Cher, after that, I just moved forward. I had to be strong. I started missing training sessions, I stopped eating properly and went back to my old way of eating. I was just exsisting.
Things feel apart quickly, I mean quickly. We all held on to hope and prayer even though I had started to except God's will.
Terry (my boyfriend) and I had planned a trip to the Essence festival the weekend of July 4th. Since I had been working long hours, driving to Newnan almost everyday, working online, just not sleeping, etc. My friends were going to Hilton Head, it was supposed to be my birthday trip. I felt guilty for going, but my dad and mom wanted me to go. It was only a two day trip. The trip was horrible. I was in a bad mood, I was nervous, I called my boyfriend, his blue tooth picked up, I heard him in the car with another female, he must've had his phone on silence, and didn't realize. I didn't share this with my friends at first. Then to top it all off, my childhood neighbor called to ask me what was happening at my mom's house. I was like "what are you talking about" she told me that it was an ambulance at my mom's house.
Okay, I can't write anymore. This is too much. I need to go back, I am leaving for a 10 day vacation. I will pick up when I get back.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Keeping my promise
Well I kept my promise, I started losing weight. I hired a trainer, I worked out, I let go of sweets, fats, junk food. My blood sugar was GREAT! I was doing what I had promised my dad, so far,I had lost about 50lbs, I was feeling a lot better about myself, and my energy level was higher than it had been in ages, plus my A1C was the best it had been.
My dad was doing his part too. He had changed his diet, given up pork, beef, dairy, was eating raw foods: fruits, veggies, nuts, etc. My mom had been juicing for him daily, we had done research regarding natural cures for cancer, foods that heal, etc. So, my mom would juice for him daily, radishes, carrots, cabbage, fruit, etc. I honestly believe that his change in diet had a lot to with how well he handled/dealt with his disease. I know it had a lot to do with how he didn't suffer as the doctors said it would. I also know it had a lot to do with how high his energy level was the entire time.
We were both doing well, my dad and I. He was cancer free, I was losing weight.
I was at work, and noticed that I had several missed calls from my mom..... I knew that my dad had his normal 3 month check up that day, so when I saw the missed calls my heart dropped. I closed my office door and returned the call. My mom answered and gave me the news that the cancer was back and this time it was in his liver. They wanted to try a new procedure............. this was May.
Funny how our minds work. I remember the conversation word for word. I remember saying, I am not worried mom, he will be fine. This is the cycle, it comes, they treat it, he goes back to being cancer free.... He will be fine. I hung up the phone, called Cherilyn, explained everything to her. Then, I walked to the concession stand in my school, and got me a snack. I decided to start the popcorn maker, I loaded it with extra oil and popped several batches. I fixed super greasy popcorn, added salt, fixed me a few bags, took the popcorn, along with a snickers, an oatmeal raisin pie, a pack of starburst, and a regular coke. I then informed the front office staff that I had popped fresh popcorn and they were welcome to help themselves.
My dad was doing his part too. He had changed his diet, given up pork, beef, dairy, was eating raw foods: fruits, veggies, nuts, etc. My mom had been juicing for him daily, we had done research regarding natural cures for cancer, foods that heal, etc. So, my mom would juice for him daily, radishes, carrots, cabbage, fruit, etc. I honestly believe that his change in diet had a lot to with how well he handled/dealt with his disease. I know it had a lot to do with how he didn't suffer as the doctors said it would. I also know it had a lot to do with how high his energy level was the entire time.
We were both doing well, my dad and I. He was cancer free, I was losing weight.
I was at work, and noticed that I had several missed calls from my mom..... I knew that my dad had his normal 3 month check up that day, so when I saw the missed calls my heart dropped. I closed my office door and returned the call. My mom answered and gave me the news that the cancer was back and this time it was in his liver. They wanted to try a new procedure............. this was May.
Funny how our minds work. I remember the conversation word for word. I remember saying, I am not worried mom, he will be fine. This is the cycle, it comes, they treat it, he goes back to being cancer free.... He will be fine. I hung up the phone, called Cherilyn, explained everything to her. Then, I walked to the concession stand in my school, and got me a snack. I decided to start the popcorn maker, I loaded it with extra oil and popped several batches. I fixed super greasy popcorn, added salt, fixed me a few bags, took the popcorn, along with a snickers, an oatmeal raisin pie, a pack of starburst, and a regular coke. I then informed the front office staff that I had popped fresh popcorn and they were welcome to help themselves.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
The promise
Well, my dad was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. The cancer had spread to his brain. Doctor's gave him 9 months at most to live and said that they would not be a good 9 months. This was hard to digest, I was numb. Once my dad got home, I remember three things he said to me: 1. No matter what, I am going to be just fine, and you will be too. I know exactly what he meant. He meant that if he died he was going to Heaven and he would be just fine, and if he lived he would be just fine. He also meant that he had raised me and taught me all he could and I would be just fine. 2. He said, "it's the fourth quarter now, we aren't going to lose this game, it's just starting." My dad was a retired head football coach. He played sports all his life, went to college on a football scholarship, so sports talk was his thing. 3. He told me that he had a praying Grandma who taught him how to pray.
The doctor's gave him 9 months, he out lived that. Well his illness felt more like a roller coaster ride than anything else. It was full of emotional up's and down's. After his first few months of treatment, the doctor's were amazed. He was cancer free, and during his treatments (brain radiation and chemo) He didn't get sick or weak like they said he would. My dad changed his diet, he gave up diary, beef, pork, my mom juiced for him daily. He exercised, he took natural herbs, vitamins, he did all he could to feel good.
Me on the other hand, I ate through the pain, I ate throught the up's and the down's. You see, he was cancer free, then three months later he went back for a check-up and the cancer was back. He under went treatment again, he came out of treatment cancer free. Then........ I think you see the pattern.
After maybe a year of having cancer, then being cancer free, then finding out it was back (horrible cycle) I had gained about 40-60lbs. My dad noticed and was in tears when he spoke to me about it. He told me that he was worried and that he couldn't sleep at night thinking about something happening to me. He told me that he needed me to be here to look out for my mom when he left and he was scared that I was going to die before him. He also told me that he couldn't die yet because he was worried about my brother and I. On that day he and I made a promise. I promised him I would lose weight only if he promised me he wouldn't die. Well, yes, I get it, I know his dying wasn't up to him or me. He knew that too. He promised me that he would keep doing all he could to fight his cancer, and I promised to lose weight..........
I have cried through this entire post. My shirt has tear stains on it. I miss my daddie(this is how I said his name) more than words could ever describe, I still have an empty spot in my heart that I know will never go away. He was so much too me.
Since it's the summer I have more free time so I will post sooner.
Later
Well......... he was right.
The doctor's gave him 9 months, he out lived that. Well his illness felt more like a roller coaster ride than anything else. It was full of emotional up's and down's. After his first few months of treatment, the doctor's were amazed. He was cancer free, and during his treatments (brain radiation and chemo) He didn't get sick or weak like they said he would. My dad changed his diet, he gave up diary, beef, pork, my mom juiced for him daily. He exercised, he took natural herbs, vitamins, he did all he could to feel good.
Me on the other hand, I ate through the pain, I ate throught the up's and the down's. You see, he was cancer free, then three months later he went back for a check-up and the cancer was back. He under went treatment again, he came out of treatment cancer free. Then........ I think you see the pattern.
After maybe a year of having cancer, then being cancer free, then finding out it was back (horrible cycle) I had gained about 40-60lbs. My dad noticed and was in tears when he spoke to me about it. He told me that he was worried and that he couldn't sleep at night thinking about something happening to me. He told me that he needed me to be here to look out for my mom when he left and he was scared that I was going to die before him. He also told me that he couldn't die yet because he was worried about my brother and I. On that day he and I made a promise. I promised him I would lose weight only if he promised me he wouldn't die. Well, yes, I get it, I know his dying wasn't up to him or me. He knew that too. He promised me that he would keep doing all he could to fight his cancer, and I promised to lose weight..........
I have cried through this entire post. My shirt has tear stains on it. I miss my daddie(this is how I said his name) more than words could ever describe, I still have an empty spot in my heart that I know will never go away. He was so much too me.
Since it's the summer I have more free time so I will post sooner.
Later
Well......... he was right.
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