People always say.... "If you are that unhappy with your life (situation) change it. I have even said this about different people. Looking back on my own situation, it really isn't that easy.
People who don't suffer from weight issues, or food issues don't get that it isn't as easy as pushing back from the table. Now that I have connected my issue with food to something bigger than just liking the taste, I have somewhat of an idea of what a drug addict, alcohol addict, sex addict, etc. must go through. Your drug is something that you use to cope, it is something that you use to numb your pain.
I was sick, blood sugar EXTRA high, blood pressure HIGH, cholestrol HIGH, etc. and I still went to the drug that was making me sick. Food.
After starting this journey, I realize so many things. I realize, that my addiction to food is a symptom, my diabetics, my high blood pressure, these were all symptoms of a much bigger disease. These things were symptoms of the issues that I was avoiding. Those issues from the past, are what was keeping me sick. Loneliness, low self-esteem, low self-worth, not feeling good enough, etc. these were the "evils" that were causing the symptoms. Not dealing with past hurts and past pains caused me to use other things to mask the real problem.
Dealing with the real problem is something that is so hard and is something that I struggle with as soon as I hit a bump in the road. I find myself now experiencing feelings I never thought I would. I actually cry now. I mean, I cry for things I used to roll my eyes at other people for crying about. I laugh now, because I have a hard time excepting that I am actually EXTREMLY sensetive.
I am learning that it is okay to cry, it is okay to let my feelings be hurt. I just don't allow them to stay hurt, I don't blame others for the hurt. I ask myself, Nicole how are you feeling and why? I then take the time to evaluate my feelings. I try to view my feelings from all angles, this is hard, because human nature is to evaluate our feelings from all angles but our own. It is so easy to blame the other person or the other situation, the hard part is looking at our own actions in all situations.
I titled this post the end, because it is the end of me blogging about what brought me to the point where it was lose weight or die.
However, it isn't the end of my blog. Many of you want to know about my diet, about my workouts, etc. I will also blog about the new things I am slowly learning to deal with. Like being a fat person stuck in a smaller body............ dealing with how people react to me now, dealing with other peoples issues of me not eating the way I used to eat, dealing with my religious journey and making the spirtual connection with the foods that I ate.
I am tired of talking about my past hurts, I have a few more, but they will be in the book. I am at a point where it is really time to move forward and I look forward to you all taking this new journey with me.
